Artist depression

[artgirl2015]

Hello and Good Morning,

I am an artist. I love all types of art. But lately I have been very frightened of my dreams. I wish I weren't. Sometimes I am extremely motivated and sometimes I ball up into a fetal position and cry like today. But today I can't cry. All of my tears of anger and rage and fear are rattling behind my chest and I don't know how to release without having a panic attack trying to force myself to engage in artistic expression to get it out. I am lacking a firm support system. One I can call on and not feel like I'm inconveniencing them by saying how I feel. Because sometimes the buggy man comes back and my biggest fears are realities again. They are not just nightmares but days are dark too. Just as dark as the pain of being blinded by the sun. It scares me so much that everyone will one day see all of me. That I won't be able to turn off the loneliness of this journey to an independent art career. Do I have to be lonely. I am afraid to be alone sometimes but yet I'm scared that will be my fate and I will never be able to really connect with people.

I beat myself up so much for everything and now I feel like I've been boxing so long that I'm on the floor of a boxing ring, staring at the ceiling asking myself do I really want this.

I need help if anyone has some words that could help me. I know I was rambling and thats not even the half but idk maybe this could help.

Thank you.

[Jolie777]

Hello and Good Morning,

I am an artist. I love all types of art. But lately I have been very frightened of my dreams. I wish I weren't. Sometimes I am extremely motivated and sometimes I ball up into a fetal position and cry like today. But today I can't cry. All of my tears of anger and rage and fear are rattling behind my chest and I don't know how to release without having a panic attack trying to force myself to engage in artistic expression to get it out. I am lacking a firm support system. One I can call on and not feel like I'm inconveniencing them by saying how I feel. Because sometimes the buggy man comes back and my biggest fears are realities again. They are not just nightmares but days are dark too. Just as dark as the pain of being blinded by the sun. It scares me so much that everyone will one day see all of me. That I won't be able to turn off the loneliness of this journey to an independent art career. Do I have to be lonely. I am afraid to be alone sometimes but yet I'm scared that will be my fate and I will never be able to really connect with people.

I beat myself up so much for everything and now I feel like I've been boxing so long that I'm on the floor of a boxing ring, staring at the ceiling asking myself do I really want this.

I need help if anyone has some words that could help me. I know I was rambling and thats not even the half but idk maybe this could help.

Thank you.

Most of the time the very thing we fear is the key to our freedom from it. 
If you fear your dreams, you might want to check out your dreams symbolism and see what your subconscious is trying to tell you eg. where you are stuck. 
For this you might want to keep a dream journal of every dream you have and always remind yourself before you go to sleep that dreams are just dreams and cannot hurt you. Your dream journal can also contain sketches so this way you can turn what brings you down into inspiration...

The loneliness is another thing that never really goes away when you're an artist...your sensibilities will not be met by most people. The western value system favors extroverts and a fast paced lifestyle that is in direct contradiction to the silent introspective lifestyle that is required for artists to flourish. But that's the price you pay, nothing is for free and choosing a lifestyle over another has its ups and downs just like all the choices we make in our life.

It's all a matter of learning how to cope with the bad sides while still being able to enjoy the good sides.