My grandmother is ill

[Virtual Reality]

Hello Solidify,

I took the time to read through it all, and this seems like a problem that can easily tarnish your entire family. What your grandmother went through was obviously something extremely tough for anybody to cope with, so the side effects she is experiencing could only be natural because of emotional distress, and her overall age. It's really hard for me to offer any advice for such a complex situation. The only real thing I can advise is to try to speak with your mother. Based on what I read, it seems you truly do have good insight on what's going on. Try to sit down with your mother and explain things. Let her know that the way she may be abusing her, (whether intentional or unintentional), will not fix things. I am sure you both love your grandmother very much, and only want the best for her as she is practically at the end of her life. Just do your best to try to give your input, and it will hopefully help de-stress your mother.

It was very kind of you to take care of your grandmother that day. Although it is not an easy task, maybe you could let your mother know that you will try to take care of her like that more often? The more you keep your grandmother out of your mother's hair, the less stressed she may become. With that being said, I am not suggesting you put your life on hold in order to take care of your grandmother full-time. Just a couple extra hours a week may make all the difference. You never know, unless you try.

I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in, and I am even more sorry for not being able to provide sufficient advice. I did the best I could in order to assist you in solving your problem. Please give us all another update soon, as more information may eventually lead to a member supplying advice good enough to effect your current cirxumstances in a positive way. It was very brave of you to share all of this, and I commend you for it. I really hope you can somehow assist both your mother and your grandmother with their current issues.

All The Best,
Virtual Reality

[Beautiful]

It sounds like there is a problem here, your grandmother is in no condition to be in a house with a (Please do not get offended, this is how I took it) Abusive care-taker. Firstly, what calms your grandmother down, or keeps her busy? Do the movies work? The main thing (If you can't afford a nursing home) Is to keep your mother collective and not angry/abusive, and to keep your grandmother busy. Try finding activities, (For someone at an older age and with Alzheimers) Coloring books, playing cards, cross words (Easy level), Childish as they are they can keep her busy and her mind active. If she gets tired, or completes them easily get harder crosswords/coloring books/games etc. But try your hardest to keep the stress off your mother. Something will happen eventually, and your grandmother will most likely get hurt. Is there an uncle/aunt that can take care of her? Instead of your mother?

[Riggs]

If she is still rehabilitational, then I think the only way to mend her apparent ‘vegetable’ mind might be to force her into accepting the reality of her trauma: that her son killed himself, and she found a way to divert that emotional pain by characterizing the personality traits of a ‘vegetable’ she isn’t. Maybe she feels guilty because, to an extent, she might have known of her son’s intention to kill himself or of his emotional distress leading up to it, but due to her failure to act or intervene, she now subconciously holds herself responsible and chooses to never acknowledge the extent of what she feels responsible for.

Guilt and hurt are maybe what cause her to invent a secondary persona - one in which she is too physically and mentally challenged to be held responsible for the trauma she experienced.

Your situation reminds me a little of the movie Shutter Island, where a mental patient is actually given his secondary persona ‘role’ to ‘play’ until the doctors of the institution decide his mind is into the role far enough for them to provide evidence of the harsh truth he denies, thus causing him to accept the concious reality he has created for himself due to his trauma.

I do believe that we (as humans) need to often rehearse emotions we might not otherwise enjoy rehearsing, as to occassionally remind us of who we really are. The same reason we pay to watch a sad movie... we don’t like being sad, but we’ll pay to watch one because we like to rehearse those emotions every so often. It reminds us of who we really are beneath our forever changable exterior.

I’ve never studied psychiatry, and I’m pretty much basing my entire theory on the lesson I believe I learned from a very well written movie, but I honestly believe that maybe it would be worth sitting her down and providing a forceful reminder of the truth with tangible evidence she can’t deny. It probably sounds fudged up, but pictures of his life (to prove and remind her of his existence), pictures of his death (if they can be obtained), and a concise yet direct statement from you referencing the specifics of the scene might be enough for your grandmother to accept what happened and remember the past. Emphasize with her that she is not responsible for what happened, and that you understand the reasons why she portrays herself the way she does now. However, if she continues living this second persona life, she’s ultimately destroying what little family she has left, further meaning her son died for nothing.

A ‘vegetable’ with memory loss wouldn’t be able to contemplate evidence you provide anyway, let alone understand it. So if she really is forever broken, I can’t see how you will be doing her any mental harm trying. If she shows ANY emotional distress from what she sees, then you know she isn’t a complete ‘vegetable’ and that she remembers what she pretends she doesn't. So push harder with the truth until the reality she’s denied for so long surfaces emotionally.

Again, this is all just a theory. Assuming your grandmother’s mind is still rehabilitational, I’d advise seeking help from a qualified psychiatrist before even considering acting on anything I’ve just typed. I do wish you the best of luck though, and hope that maybe my theory has been of some guidance towards a method that might work...

[Solidify]

what calms your grandmother down, or keeps her busy?

At this point, almost nothing. Even when either of us would sit and watch TV with her, it'll only keep her in place for a certain period of time. After that, she experiences this uncontrollable urge to get up, almost as if she's suffering from OCD, but that's not the case. When I started paying more attention to her reasoning for needing to get up off the sofa, it always has something to do with my mom. I've come to the conclusion that after my uncle's passing, she's very clingy and always up my mother's ass, so to speak. Normal?

Also, my mother does not want my grandmother to fall asleep during the day because she wants her to sleep at night, otherwise she'll go wake her up. And I'm sure most of you know, several months of interrupted sleep can be very annoying. You prey on your sleep and that it'll replenish your day's energy consumed. My mom doesn't have that opportunity and I really feel bad because I really do help out as much as I can.

Is there an uncle/aunt that can take care of her? Instead of your mother?

The only option, my aunt, was ruled out. We tried it but my grandmother kept waking up my baby cousin in the middle of the night and my uncle didn't want her there. So, we had no choice.

the only way to mend her apparent ‘vegetable’ mind might be to force her into accepting the reality of her trauma: that her son killed himself

For several months, we've had a clinic specialist come to our home once a week to speak to her about it. But some days, she remembers it and walks around our house with no endpoint in mind just crying out my uncle's name and others, she knows and clearly mentions that he died, usually when she sees me. For instance, if I take a shower and hop over to my room, she'll see me and whine about how I remind her of her son when he was young. But the next day, you may find her wandering about in the night, or even day, calling out her son's name, as if she's expecting him to answer.

Please give us all another update soon, as more information may eventually lead to a member supplying advice good enough to effect your current circumstances in a positive way.

I will do my best to keep updating this thread will information as it comes to me but keep in mind, I post information on this thread as mere replies, so for any newcomers, if you'd like to provide a suitable response or advice, please read my OP and replies in an effort to avoid repeated suggestions.

Lastly, I really do appreciate the time and effort you have all put into assuring my family's well-being. Your responses are all very in-depth, insightful and undoubtedly more useful than those of SF's owner's sister site, Hack Forums; the home of immaturity.

[Virtual Reality]

No problem. I really enjoyed doing my best to help you with your family matters! I completely agree about the HF thing, too. I would of never posted something like this on HF. Lastly, thanks for the +REP. I appreciate that my contribution did not go unacknowledged. If you need anymore help, let me know.

[Solidify]

If you need anymore help, let me know.

Will do. I'll be sure to.

[Carrol]

I think this is actually a pretty common problem and will only become more common as the baby boom generation gets older. After reading your post, I think it's great that you are watching out for your grandmother and protecting her. I know you said that your parents can't afford a nursing home but there may be assistance out there for your grandmother. I wouldn't know exactly what city or county or state department to contact but I would look into financial assistance for your grandmother to pay for a nursing home. -Carrol, Health Insurance Advisor

[Solidify]

I wouldn't know exactly what city or county or state department to contact but I would look into financial assistance for your grandmother to pay for a nursing home.

We already have. The problem is that there is a somewhat of a 'waiting' list.

[Guest]

KK 4 all those who dont know Nursing homes ARE freakin HELL! residents get treated like crap, abused... My 37 year old mother lives in one... She has ms and we cant provide care... She misses her meds daily people dont give a crap, break her items etc

[Solidify]

KK 4 all those who dont know Nursing homes ARE freakin HELL! residents get treated like crap, abused... My 37 year old mother lives in one... She has ms and we cant provide care... She misses her meds daily people dont give a crap, break her items etc

You shouldn't generalize for all nursing homes based on your experience with one.