08-07-2010, 03:29 PM
Hi All,
About a year or so ago, My grandmother and grandfather passed away, For this thread i will be talking about my grandfather. (I am 14)
When i was old enough to know my grandad, He was disabled, First time i knew him, He was on a stick, Then he needed a frame, And then he needed carers to help him and lifts of all sorts ceiling and floor. Just before he died, (weeks before), He was all fine, Everything was fine, Well not perfect, But fine enough, Enough that i was satasfied he was still there and well enough to talk ect and he was somewhat mentally stable apart from some memory problems.
On the day of his death, At late night, Around 10-11pm, My mother got a call that grandad was in a very unstable state and was breathing very heavy and irrisponsive, Coughing alot, Breathing heavy between the coughts as if he went running to the max of his ability and was choking at the same time. We, Me and Mother, Got quickly dressed and drove over there as fast as we could within limits, When we got there, Ablert and Pearl were arriving, (Aunt and Uncle) , And all ran into the bedroom where we was, In the bed unstable condition. We gathered around the bed and of course we knew this was probably the last time of his life.
We got told to leave the room while mother had a private word while he could live, And we all went in the lounge, She came out and we went back in and gathered around again.
I got asked wether i would like to speak to him privately, and i said no because it just felt so quick happening at the time. He died infront of my eyes while i was there and of course i lied back on the other bed in the room and cried my eyes out. And that is that.
The point of the thread is because i am feeling guilty, This comes from when i got the opportunity to speak with him and i did not, And from that day i feel extremely bad about my self not saying that private word. I feel broken down inside and mentally unstable in some ways, I am sat here crying my heart and eyes out while i write this now, With my tears dripping on the keyboard (no joke). Im here sobbing right now because of that guilt feel, I just cannot cope anymore! I need advice and need it quick too. I feel like i have depression in some aspects, My self confidence has dropped and on a depression test i scored off the chart and had a very high rating (VERY HIGH - Well over the amount for severe depression). My life is now on the internet since then, I just feel so wrong inside. Grandad was coming however, Grandma was a shock. She was so stable and well making my jam tarts every week (Just bursted into bigger tears again) and she went in hospital, And i said goodbye to her in hospital thinking to see her next day, and *poof* shes gone too, And i could not even think of the word goodbye it was such a shock.
Before any of you suggest going to a GP or person in real forget it. I need e-advice and fast, and effective too, Daily life is a struggle, With suiside thoughts when i think about them too. Please, Someone help me!
About a year or so ago, My grandmother and grandfather passed away, For this thread i will be talking about my grandfather. (I am 14)
When i was old enough to know my grandad, He was disabled, First time i knew him, He was on a stick, Then he needed a frame, And then he needed carers to help him and lifts of all sorts ceiling and floor. Just before he died, (weeks before), He was all fine, Everything was fine, Well not perfect, But fine enough, Enough that i was satasfied he was still there and well enough to talk ect and he was somewhat mentally stable apart from some memory problems.
On the day of his death, At late night, Around 10-11pm, My mother got a call that grandad was in a very unstable state and was breathing very heavy and irrisponsive, Coughing alot, Breathing heavy between the coughts as if he went running to the max of his ability and was choking at the same time. We, Me and Mother, Got quickly dressed and drove over there as fast as we could within limits, When we got there, Ablert and Pearl were arriving, (Aunt and Uncle) , And all ran into the bedroom where we was, In the bed unstable condition. We gathered around the bed and of course we knew this was probably the last time of his life.
We got told to leave the room while mother had a private word while he could live, And we all went in the lounge, She came out and we went back in and gathered around again.
I got asked wether i would like to speak to him privately, and i said no because it just felt so quick happening at the time. He died infront of my eyes while i was there and of course i lied back on the other bed in the room and cried my eyes out. And that is that.
The point of the thread is because i am feeling guilty, This comes from when i got the opportunity to speak with him and i did not, And from that day i feel extremely bad about my self not saying that private word. I feel broken down inside and mentally unstable in some ways, I am sat here crying my heart and eyes out while i write this now, With my tears dripping on the keyboard (no joke). Im here sobbing right now because of that guilt feel, I just cannot cope anymore! I need advice and need it quick too. I feel like i have depression in some aspects, My self confidence has dropped and on a depression test i scored off the chart and had a very high rating (VERY HIGH - Well over the amount for severe depression). My life is now on the internet since then, I just feel so wrong inside. Grandad was coming however, Grandma was a shock. She was so stable and well making my jam tarts every week (Just bursted into bigger tears again) and she went in hospital, And i said goodbye to her in hospital thinking to see her next day, and *poof* shes gone too, And i could not even think of the word goodbye it was such a shock.
Before any of you suggest going to a GP or person in real forget it. I need e-advice and fast, and effective too, Daily life is a struggle, With suiside thoughts when i think about them too. Please, Someone help me!
