12-01-2011, 10:24 PM
I didn't know exactly what to call the title. I'll try to explain this nicely put:
I've always been a shy, and extremely selfless person. I'm the kind of guy that cares 10% about myself and 90% about others. I'm also closing up on my emotions. It's like pushing down as hard as you can on a soda can until it breaks. It's so bad that when my mom asked what I wanted for this holiday, I had to bite my tongue and it took me five minutes to finally cough of my answer, because I don't want her to use the money on me. It has seemed to be escalating. I can't show my emotions in front of anyone, at all.
It's like I'm turning into a robot or something. I TYPE my personality and SPEAK and fake one that I use as a sort of 'Facade' to hide my past negative experiences and my intellectuality. Most of the people at my school aren't exactly at the same level intellectually as me. At school, I'm more joking around a bunch and being sarcastic/smart.
When I type, I speak more properly and share my feelings because I don't have to speak them. I even have trouble speaking my feelings when the house is empty, afraid that magically someone is listening to me speak and my family will figure out how I feel about something. It's not the mere simple emotions like anger, or happiness, but more the complex ones like love, and my personal views/opinions on different things in the world.
Hell, I don't even post on Facebook, because my mom is added as my family and I wonder how she'd react if she knew just how different I am from how I act in real life.
It's to the point where I probably couldn't handle a job interview, and half the time I don't even keep eye contact when speaking to people directly. I don't like calling people either....
I have had past traumatic experiences that I've never shared but despite what most 'experts' say about bottling up emotions, I've kept mine hidden for the past 2-3 years quite well. I could be about ready to go on a killing spree but seconds before I did you would probably think I looked happy (not that I'm actually that emotionally disturbed to do that.)
I have no sort of initiative, because I don't like doing stuff without permission. I only activate my brain when someone tells me to do something, like a dog or computer.
Like, whenever I want to speak my mind, I simply imagine me doing that, then I move on. I over-calculate my consequences and because of that I merely imagine half of the things I want to do in life. If I were pushed by a professional psychologist that worked for the government to crack and share my feelings I bet I could last him an entire day.
And please, don't say to simply sit down with my parents and 'talk it out', I'm not that type of person. I usually hide my experiences/feelings, and I'm extremely good at doing that (except for anger, in which I know no one would think is different about me.)
I've always been a shy, and extremely selfless person. I'm the kind of guy that cares 10% about myself and 90% about others. I'm also closing up on my emotions. It's like pushing down as hard as you can on a soda can until it breaks. It's so bad that when my mom asked what I wanted for this holiday, I had to bite my tongue and it took me five minutes to finally cough of my answer, because I don't want her to use the money on me. It has seemed to be escalating. I can't show my emotions in front of anyone, at all.
It's like I'm turning into a robot or something. I TYPE my personality and SPEAK and fake one that I use as a sort of 'Facade' to hide my past negative experiences and my intellectuality. Most of the people at my school aren't exactly at the same level intellectually as me. At school, I'm more joking around a bunch and being sarcastic/smart.
When I type, I speak more properly and share my feelings because I don't have to speak them. I even have trouble speaking my feelings when the house is empty, afraid that magically someone is listening to me speak and my family will figure out how I feel about something. It's not the mere simple emotions like anger, or happiness, but more the complex ones like love, and my personal views/opinions on different things in the world.
Hell, I don't even post on Facebook, because my mom is added as my family and I wonder how she'd react if she knew just how different I am from how I act in real life.
It's to the point where I probably couldn't handle a job interview, and half the time I don't even keep eye contact when speaking to people directly. I don't like calling people either....
I have had past traumatic experiences that I've never shared but despite what most 'experts' say about bottling up emotions, I've kept mine hidden for the past 2-3 years quite well. I could be about ready to go on a killing spree but seconds before I did you would probably think I looked happy (not that I'm actually that emotionally disturbed to do that.)
I have no sort of initiative, because I don't like doing stuff without permission. I only activate my brain when someone tells me to do something, like a dog or computer.
Like, whenever I want to speak my mind, I simply imagine me doing that, then I move on. I over-calculate my consequences and because of that I merely imagine half of the things I want to do in life. If I were pushed by a professional psychologist that worked for the government to crack and share my feelings I bet I could last him an entire day.
And please, don't say to simply sit down with my parents and 'talk it out', I'm not that type of person. I usually hide my experiences/feelings, and I'm extremely good at doing that (except for anger, in which I know no one would think is different about me.)