01-14-2015, 08:25 PM
This is my first time ever putting my emotions out in the open due to fear of what anyone would tell me, but i haven't found the answer yet so here goes.
I was with a girl (I know same ole story right) it was puppy love at first and i was 12 years old. we went through everything together. First kiss, first dance, first song, basically first everything. We made an oath under God that no matter what would happen to us in the future if we had children or got married to others that if we found each other again we would drop our lives for each other. It wasn't a perfect relationship but the love that we had for each other evolved into something so strong i have yet to find the words to describe it. We then broke up shortly after highschool during college. She tried keeping in contact with me throughout the years but then at the age of 20 i lost contact with her.
I basically went out trying to narcotize myself with casual sex to try and forget her but it seemed that every time i got into bed with a woman all i could think of my first love. Everything would remind me of her, even the little expressions that other women would make that were similar would also remind me of her. I would treat other women the way i would have treated my first love and some of them fell in love with me, but i couldn't bring myself to feel anything for another woman so eventually they would leave. So i stopped dating for a few a year because i thought it just wasn't fair to other women that i wouldn't give myself 100 percent. So after 2 years of giving up hope i met a lovely girl that made me feel something, anything that was remotely close to the love that i only knew. I then grew to care about this person very much and i felt better when i was with her. Then the dreams came of my first love and emotions rushed back in like a flood gate, and what i thought was new love was completely shadowed for the feelings that came rushing back after i awoke. For a few years i kept it to myself and ignored it. Then it happened! My first love found my contact info and sent me a message. We then proceeded to catch up on everything that has transpired in the years that we didn't speak to each other. She told me that she married and had a handsome boy, I told her about my new love. While talking with her I felt so wonderful again. I finally felt like all this time i wasn't crazy for still loving a person after years of not seeing or hearing of them. She then asked me if i remember the Oath that we made so long ago. I responded with of course i remember. She then asked me that if she would get a divorce would I be with her as per our promise, and that she never stopped loving me. At that moment i felt that the right thing to do was to be a gentleman and i told her that i even though i still loved her deeply that I would not want to be the reason to break up a family. In retrospect i should have taken the selfish route and said YES i absolutely would, but alas i did not. We both chalked it up to bad timing. After a few tears were shed we abruptly stopped talking again.
After another year passed i eventually married. Everything felt right with my new girlfriend so i tried making a life with my new found love, i tried to move on. I had a child with my new love but something feels like it's missing and i know it's that i haven't let go of my first love. Even being in bed with my wife i feel unnatracted due to thinking about my first love. I am now 31 years old and I feel like the most terrible person in the world. I am with a woman that loves me dearly with whom i have a child with and that i care about but i'm deeply in love with my first. My first love divorced and is now with an older and very rich man. She looks happy and i havent spoken to her since we spoke before i got married.
I have no illusions in my mind thinking that we will be together again. My life is actually pretty good with my wife except she notices that i could be sort of dry at times. She has no idea of my first love and i have never opened up to let her know about it. I feel like i'm drowning here and i know i need to get over her for my health and sanity lol but i can't get her out of my head.
I apologize that this is so long winded i just had to get it out of my chest in the open because it's something i've been keeping in for so long.
I was with a girl (I know same ole story right) it was puppy love at first and i was 12 years old. we went through everything together. First kiss, first dance, first song, basically first everything. We made an oath under God that no matter what would happen to us in the future if we had children or got married to others that if we found each other again we would drop our lives for each other. It wasn't a perfect relationship but the love that we had for each other evolved into something so strong i have yet to find the words to describe it. We then broke up shortly after highschool during college. She tried keeping in contact with me throughout the years but then at the age of 20 i lost contact with her.
I basically went out trying to narcotize myself with casual sex to try and forget her but it seemed that every time i got into bed with a woman all i could think of my first love. Everything would remind me of her, even the little expressions that other women would make that were similar would also remind me of her. I would treat other women the way i would have treated my first love and some of them fell in love with me, but i couldn't bring myself to feel anything for another woman so eventually they would leave. So i stopped dating for a few a year because i thought it just wasn't fair to other women that i wouldn't give myself 100 percent. So after 2 years of giving up hope i met a lovely girl that made me feel something, anything that was remotely close to the love that i only knew. I then grew to care about this person very much and i felt better when i was with her. Then the dreams came of my first love and emotions rushed back in like a flood gate, and what i thought was new love was completely shadowed for the feelings that came rushing back after i awoke. For a few years i kept it to myself and ignored it. Then it happened! My first love found my contact info and sent me a message. We then proceeded to catch up on everything that has transpired in the years that we didn't speak to each other. She told me that she married and had a handsome boy, I told her about my new love. While talking with her I felt so wonderful again. I finally felt like all this time i wasn't crazy for still loving a person after years of not seeing or hearing of them. She then asked me if i remember the Oath that we made so long ago. I responded with of course i remember. She then asked me that if she would get a divorce would I be with her as per our promise, and that she never stopped loving me. At that moment i felt that the right thing to do was to be a gentleman and i told her that i even though i still loved her deeply that I would not want to be the reason to break up a family. In retrospect i should have taken the selfish route and said YES i absolutely would, but alas i did not. We both chalked it up to bad timing. After a few tears were shed we abruptly stopped talking again.
After another year passed i eventually married. Everything felt right with my new girlfriend so i tried making a life with my new found love, i tried to move on. I had a child with my new love but something feels like it's missing and i know it's that i haven't let go of my first love. Even being in bed with my wife i feel unnatracted due to thinking about my first love. I am now 31 years old and I feel like the most terrible person in the world. I am with a woman that loves me dearly with whom i have a child with and that i care about but i'm deeply in love with my first. My first love divorced and is now with an older and very rich man. She looks happy and i havent spoken to her since we spoke before i got married.
I have no illusions in my mind thinking that we will be together again. My life is actually pretty good with my wife except she notices that i could be sort of dry at times. She has no idea of my first love and i have never opened up to let her know about it. I feel like i'm drowning here and i know i need to get over her for my health and sanity lol but i can't get her out of my head.
I apologize that this is so long winded i just had to get it out of my chest in the open because it's something i've been keeping in for so long.