A rap I've made.

[Amped]

Yea you got an advantage on me
I'm falling hard for you you see
Slow down and let things rest and set out to be
Before my heart is no longer free
You messin with my emotions makes me go insane
Wish I could use magic and float away like david blaine
Its like you have me under a spell
A spell that has me trapped in a unbreakable cell
Then when I finally let you in, my heart is all yours
You fudged me over beyond all possible cures
I see you with another man
and I cant belive it
It's like this world is out to get me
I can't break loose
I can't escape the pain
You've killed me and threw me into a empty drain
Don't worry, jus remember this sayin
What goes around comes around and you think im jus playin..


Tell me what you think.

[Vish]

I love rep and I like yours too. Nice one bro.

[killerpop89]

You need to work on it little bit but, it's alright.

[Clay]

The middle is the best part. The beginning and ending needs a little work. Overall, not a bad start at all.

[Tate]

You need to add some "internal rhymes" and some alliteration.

Instead of (exampe, I used this in my own rap):
"Lets figure out why you how hip hop will die"

You should use:
"Comon lets pry into why you want real hip hop to die"




Or like in an Eminem song, instead of saying:
"I sat down quicker than a fat person"

You'd say:
"I fell on my ass faster than a fat bitch who sat down to fast"

[Omniscient]

It's actually not too bad. Do you feel this is a song and is there a hook?

[LMCampbell]

It's ok.
I was trying to find a beat with it.
But some of it just didn't go together.

"I see you with another man
and I cant belive it
It's like this world is out to get me"

A bit of editing and I think it could work well.

[Tate]

I make beats in FL studio. I can make you a simple one. Tell me how you want it.

[Virtual Reality]

It's a good start, but really needs some work. I appreciate you being brave enough to post your work online! Keep it up!

[Ocelot]

It's OK. I feel you haven't taken much time over it, time is a must. Go over it and see if you could make it better with different words, illiteration maybe? Some more techniques, google holds alot of information for this sort of stuff. Out of interest, how long have you been writing?