Questions I don't have answers for.

[TheBlackMarket]

Im very sad for you I hate when the parents separates when the kid is still 2 years old. Well it's not so much we can do except giving support and don't give up. But it's better when the parents separates when the kid is very young and not when the kid is like 15 years old and understands more.

Good luck!

[majordave]

Im very sad for you I hate when the parents separates when the kid is still 2 years old. Well it's not so much we can do except giving support and don't give up. But it's better when the parents separates when the kid is very young and not when the kid is like 15 years old and understands more.

Good luck!

My parents divorced when I was about 12. Can't say it especially bothered or effected me, and if it did, I don't remember. If anything, well, they fought a lot while they were together so it was kind of nice not having to listen it any more. It was really nice visiting him all the time at his new apartment in the city, where we could go to all the really cool movie theaters, plays, musical productions, opera, museums, symphonies, etc., and without having to spend an hour afterwards in the car driving home to the suburbs, yaah!

If anything, we spent far more time with our dad, not less. Towards each other, our parents remained fairly neutral. Unless one of us got in trouble, and then they were united and we were punished. There was none of this playing one parent against the other, and whatever happened, it was always OUR fault for having gotten into the situation in the first place.

But then again, they didn't make a big deal about it either, at least not to us. They didn't fight or badmouth each other, again, at least not to us or within earshot, and they definitely wouldn't discuss any potential financial difficulties, or disagreements. Was there less money? Gee, I don't know. Our parents never gave us any money anyway. If we wanted money, we always had to work for it.

[Fallenour]

I know what your going through, ive gone through it several times, having lost 18 families, its quite painful, what your going to have to do is break emotional ties with your past, in the end theyll only bring you down and cause you more pain, and inevitably make you make poor decisions that you might end up regretting for the rest of your life, and hurting loved ones you really care about.

[The Elite]

Falle, how have you lost 18 families?

[johngianni]

Hey Johngi,

First of all, that $300,000? That would be his gross receipts. After he ends up paying for all the expenses involved in completing those projects, along with the overhead of running his business he might only end up netting 10% or $30,000, and that's providing he doesn't run into any unforseen additional expenses that he neglected to include in the contract. And then, out of that remaining $30,000, he has to pay his income taxes and child support to your mom, and everything else. So it's really not as much money as it seems. And yes, I do know what I'm talking about. I'm an accountant and it's what I do for a living. I'd have to actually inspect his books to determine his net profit percentage, but 10% is not that uncommon for a contracting business.

Second, loving responsible parents do not burden their children with their financial difficulties or involve them in their personal problems, especially not where it concerns their divorce. Your parents divorce had nothing to do with you, it wasn't your fault, and your mom/grandfather should not be making it your problem or concern. Parents should never discuss such matters with children, and it's very wrong to do so, especially since it sounds to me as if she may be taking her bitterness over the divorce, and corresponding reduction in income, out on you. Your father's financial responsibility towards your mother for the payment of child support is legally set by the statutes of the state in which you live in, in accordance with court order, and whatever he may earn otherwise, and what he chooses to do with it is none of their business. If your mother believes she is not receiving the proper amount, because she believes your dad is hiding money from her and the court system, then she should be discussing the matter with an attorney. If her attorney believes she has just cause for her concerns, they can obtain a court order that would require your dad to permit a forensic accountant access to his accounts and records to perform an analysis and render a professional determination or opinion -- YO! Forensic accountant speaking!

Do you know why loving parents do not discuss such matters with their children? Because it screws up their heads! Causes depression, tension, anxiety, and all kinds of negative emotional problems that they shouldn't, and wouldn't, have otherwise! And those emotional problems can leave a permanent scar, and loving parents would not want to inflict such damage on their chidren. I don't think your mom is doing this intentionally. Sometimes divorced parents get too caught up in their own problems to realize the full extent of the effect it's having on their children.

Your father does NOT love his stepson more than you! That's not even a remote possibility. You are his son, his living legacy. You were created from his DNA and his blood flows in your veins. Blood is always thicker than water, and he loves you far more. Please don't think your dad isn't fully aware that if anything ever happened between him and your stepmom, that her son would no longer be his stepson, but no matter what, you will ALWAYS be his son!

If he isn't coming around all that much, more likely it's because of the problems between him and your mother which again, have absolutely nothing to do with you. If he seems closed mouthed and somewhat distant, it's probably because he suspects your mom has been "bad-mouthing" him to you, and he's reacting by taking defensive measures, in an attempt to minimize the damage, to hopefully prevent a permanent rift between the two of you. Instead, he's "biding his time" until you are older, out on your own and away from your mother's influence, at which point he's hoping he will have a better chance at becoming a greater part of your life.

I sincerely hope you will consider approaching your mother, explaining how much this is upsetting you, and ask if she will please not discuss your dad with, or in front of you. Again, I don't think she is doing it intentionally and probably doesn't realize how much of an effect it's having on you emotionally.

I wish you and your family all the best!

Perhaps I forgot to include something about the income he makes. My dad is the only one in his business.He has no other employees to pay at all. My dad used to have a safe in his closet at were I used to live in Old Bridge that had large amounts of money in it. When my mom won a court case my dad and his friend go to the house and make a big mess and steal my moms jewlery. My mom took my fathers book with memories of his father, Gianni. Letters and pictures are in that book and my mom holds on to it since my father stole my moms jewelry. Money is not a problem to him, I can tell. My dad works for an owner who owns several places about 12 and he overpays my dad. My dad avoids paying taxes and everything. He doesn't end up with 30,000 or anything close to that with how he runs his work. In addition, my Dad had a lawyer who once worked for the Senator who helped him a lot and they ended up bribing the judge as well. My dad has had many more advantages than my mom which made him get away. The diners who hide my dads income from them require a lawsuit which can cost a lot of money especially for each one. One more thing, my dad and mom never talked for YEARS. From when they got divorced till now. What happened on March 1st was when I had surgery for a tonsillectomy My mom asked if my dad was going to be there and if he did she wouldn't go and same thing for my dad.

[johngianni]

I really want to know , how old are you atm?

I am 14, and how does this really matter?

[smileyface]

You can do it brother. Just believe in yourself.

[majordave]

Perhaps I forgot to include something about the income he makes. My dad is the only one in his business.He has no other employees to pay at all. My dad used to have a safe in his closet at were I used to live in Old Bridge that had large amounts of money in it. When my mom won a court case my dad and his friend go to the house and make a big mess and steal my moms jewlery. My mom took my fathers book with memories of his father, Gianni. Letters and pictures are in that book and my mom holds on to it since my father stole my moms jewelry. Money is not a problem to him, I can tell. My dad works for an owner who owns several places about 12 and he overpays my dad. My dad avoids paying taxes and everything. He doesn't end up with 30,000 or anything close to that with how he runs his work. In addition, my Dad had a lawyer who once worked for the Senator who helped him a lot and they ended up bribing the judge as well. My dad has had many more advantages than my mom which made him get away. The diners who hide my dads income from them require a lawsuit which can cost a lot of money especially for each one. One more thing, my dad and mom never talked for YEARS. From when they got divorced till now. What happened on March 1st was when I had surgery for a tonsillectomy My mom asked if my dad was going to be there and if he did she wouldn't go and same thing for my dad.

How is it that you know ANY of this? Your post only reaffirms what I already said, which is that your mom and grandfather had absolutely no business laying any of this on your shoulders. None of it's your fault, and they shouldn't be making it your problem!

Are you aware that in many states that joint custody is now mandatory? And by joint custody I mean that as long as it is reasonably possible, the children spend 50% of the time with one, and 50% of the time with the other, and most of the time, there is NO child support is given, because custody is shared.

The only time there is ANY child support under these arrangements is if one parent makes significantly more than the other. In which case, generally they do something like taking 15% of each parent's income, dividing it in two, and give 1/2 to each. If your state was a joint custody state, your mother would receive practically nothing,if anything, and you would be spending 1/2 your time with your dad, automatically.

More and more states are doing this, including mine. And most people I know who are divorced now share joint custody arrangements. There's no fighting over child support because there isn't child support to fight over! I have some very close personal friends who went through bitter divorces, and am amazed just how well they've now managed to adjust and get along under these arrangements. Neither one has any power over the other, and they have to negotiate and work together. If they can't, they have to go back into arbritration, which costs them LOTS of money, and neither one will win. So they get along now, they have no other choice!

The reason for this is because it has been found that children benefit more from having an equal input from both parents and child support was intended to be strictly for the benefit of the children, not to benefit a former spouse. Unless your mom was awarded alimony, that money your dad gives is not for her, it's for you, and is only intended to provide for 1/2 of your support, not all. Your parents are divorced. Your dad is not responsible for supporting your mom, only for helping her support you.

Money's also relative, and people tend to spend as much as they make, whether they need to or not. Myself personally, even when I earned just over minimum wage I had lots o extra money, and that's because I'm frugal and have always lived way under my means and still do. Our parents gave us food, clothing and shelter. For money, we were on our own and from the age of 11 on, I never had any problem finding people willing to hire and pay me. Money's never been an issue for me, or my other 3 siblings and as far as we're all concerned, our parents got it right.

Did your dad screw over your mom? Maybe, but she really needs to let it go. Life's not always fair, and there are many things beyond our control. If you hold onto them forever, the only one you suceed in harming is yourself -- however when it comes to divorce, this harms the children even more, and if you sat down and talked to her, she might understand better how it's been effecting you.

Did my dad screw over OUR mom? Yeah, ok, probably, but so what? She never complained because she didn't want her problems to effect US. Besides, between the 4 of us, we have MORE than made up for anything she didn't get from our dad. We actively compete, holding contests between ourselves to come up, and take her on the most luxurious vacations, the fanciest restaurants, the finest furnishings. We treat her like a queen and she wants for nothing. What goes around, comes around, so try to make sure what comes around your way is only good.

Again, I wish you and your family all the best!

[Mute]

I think you should beat up your step brother..

that's what i would do at least.

[johngianni]

How is it that you know ANY of this? Your post only reaffirms what I already said, which is that your mom and grandfather had absolutely no business laying any of this on your shoulders. None of it's your fault, and they shouldn't be making it your problem!

Are you aware that in many states that joint custody is now mandatory? And by joint custody I mean that as long as it is reasonably possible, the children spend 50% of the time with one, and 50% of the time with the other, and most of the time, there is NO child support is given, because custody is shared.

The only time there is ANY child support under these arrangements is if one parent makes significantly more than the other. In which case, generally they do something like taking 15% of each parent's income, dividing it in two, and give 1/2 to each. If your state was a joint custody state, your mother would receive practically nothing,if anything, and you would be spending 1/2 your time with your dad, automatically.

More and more states are doing this, including mine. And most people I know who are divorced now share joint custody arrangements. There's no fighting over child support because there isn't child support to fight over! I have some very close personal friends who went through bitter divorces, and am amazed just how well they've now managed to adjust and get along under these arrangements. Neither one has any power over the other, and they have to negotiate and work together. If they can't, they have to go back into arbritration, which costs them LOTS of money, and neither one will win. So they get along now, they have no other choice!

The reason for this is because it has been found that children benefit more from having an equal input from both parents and child support was intended to be strictly for the benefit of the children, not to benefit a former spouse. Unless your mom was awarded alimony, that money your dad gives is not for her, it's for you, and is only intended to provide for 1/2 of your support, not all. Your parents are divorced. Your dad is not responsible for supporting your mom, only for helping her support you.

Money's also relative, and people tend to spend as much as they make, whether they need to or not. Myself personally, even when I earned just over minimum wage I had lots o extra money, and that's because I'm frugal and have always lived way under my means and still do. Our parents gave us food, clothing and shelter. For money, we were on our own and from the age of 11 on, I never had any problem finding people willing to hire and pay me. Money's never been an issue for me, or my other 3 siblings and as far as we're all concerned, our parents got it right.

Did your dad screw over your mom? Maybe, but she really needs to let it go. Life's not always fair, and there are many things beyond our control. If you hold onto them forever, the only one you suceed in harming is yourself -- however when it comes to divorce, this harms the children even more, and if you sat down and talked to her, she might understand better how it's been effecting you.

Did my dad screw over OUR mom? Yeah, ok, probably, but so what? She never complained because she didn't want her problems to effect US. Besides, between the 4 of us, we have MORE than made up for anything she didn't get from our dad. We actively compete, holding contests between ourselves to come up, and take her on the most luxurious vacations, the fanciest restaurants, the finest furnishings. We treat her like a queen and she wants for nothing. What goes around, comes around, so try to make sure what comes around your way is only good.

Again, I wish you and your family all the best!

Thanks Major, that means a lot. You seem the most effective in this whole thread. My doesn't have much custody over me. Reason is they evaluated him and they seem he isn't a good parent to be taking care of me so that is why I am with my mother. Also, my fathers earnings is hidden since as I claimed he fixes diners with his business the people he works for pays him in cash upfront at the register. That is mainly how he hides any source of income he makes.