Hello Support Forums!
Gosh, I don't even know what to start with. Well, I joined here because I decided I really needed a place to talk about when I'm having bad days... I've never done this before, despite blogging for years and years and frequenting Tumblr, I keep complaints about my personal life out of them because I didn't want to 'ruin' my happy places on the Internet with my sad thoughts. ._.
I guess the first thing I need to mention is that I'm completely undiagnosed with anything... I have no knowledge of actually having any disorder such as anxiety or depression, as I have no access to any doctor who could tell me so because I'm a low-income (actually NO-income) US resident with no health insurance... the last time I went to the doctor a few years back (an urgent last resort because whatever illness I had left me unable to SPEAK), I was charged $200 for the visit... u_u That was very upsetting, but livable at the time because I was employed at the time, which isn't the case any more, and I don't even have $200 in the bank at this point so seeing a doctor is just a thing that isn't going to happen.
Um. I think I'm jumping around a bit. I don't really even know how to approach talking about what problems I have. Not KNOWING what those problems are is a big contributor to the anxiousness that I feel... (I'm trying to avoid saying "my anxiety" because I do not know if I actually have anxiety and self-diagnosing is bad, bad, bad). Every single day is one spent worrying about needing to see a doctor and being unable to do so. u_u
I'm 24 years old, female, very small of frame. I get sick all the time (sinus infections, I think?) that I just have to soldier on through myself because I can't really get prescriptions and even over-the-counter stuff is too expensive to buy all the time. I used to be employed in a retail position and I stayed there for three years, and every night I would come home aching all over and hating myself for failing to find a better job for myself and not making enough money to pay for the house's bills (my Mom has been unemployed for several years, and my crappy minimum wage job was literally what was paying the household's bills). I had this knowledge pressing on me every day and I spent so much time just crying. Sometimes even during work, I'd have to hide out in the store's bathroom for a while (praying that it wasn't in use) and just sit on the disgusting floor and cry. There are three separate occasions I can think of where I cried in front of the managers, and it was always after they'd ask "How are you today?" or "Where were you yesterday?"
Finally there came the day that I just stayed home, snuggled with the dog on my bed, and cried, cried, cried. I never went back in and I never contacted the managers or anything. I Facebooked one of my friends and fellow employees about a week later and asked if it was bad, and she said they'd probably let me back if I'd just come in and talk to someone. But I really, really, really, physically could not even bring myself to go in there, much less open my mouth and talk to somebody. I didn't even like the place, and I was supposed to somehow make the case that I wanted to stay there?
So that happened in about November of 2011, and I've been technically unemployed since then, but the truth is that I've actually been self-employed. I have blogs that I earn quite a bit from thanks to advertising revenue and other promotion-type posts, and since I was free from going to work all the time I started sewing little cute plushes and I made a LOT of money making those available.
Still, though, the little handfuls of money that I make myself aren't enough to pay for the house, so I have this pressing issue in the back of my mind that if I don't work harder I'm going to lose everything. I job hunted for a good, long time... like 6-7 months out of last year were spent totally dedicated to trying to land an office job, even just doing data entry or something. But I chickened out every time the phone rang (like, heart racing and sometimes I'd start crying) and just THINKING about physically going to an interview in an unfamiliar environment and having to talk to unfamiliar people made me so, so, scared that I would just cry. And I hated myself for it - that the roadblock keeping me from moving forward was MYSELF, and that this isn't something I should be behaving like this over, and that everyone has to go through this, and why can't I do it? And so it was just an endless downward spiral of hating myself more and more and THAT stopped me from ever picking myself up and moving forward TOO.
Ugh, this isn't even everything that I want to vent about. =_= This is so awful. I'll probably come back to this and say some more.
But in the meantime, could I maybe just hear some kind words from other people here? I really just want to hear something nice. It doesn't even have to be about me or any of the problems I mentioned here. Just tell me a story about something nice that happened to you today, even if it's just that you saw a cute picture of a dog on the internet. I really just want some cheering up for now, and I feel really selfish asking for that, because I never do this, I never do things for myself, but I really want to hear some happy stories, or words of encouragement.
ALSO IT'S FREEZING IN MY HOUSE BECAuse I think the heater is broken. ;-; So cold....... *huddles in blankets*
Gosh, I don't even know what to start with. Well, I joined here because I decided I really needed a place to talk about when I'm having bad days... I've never done this before, despite blogging for years and years and frequenting Tumblr, I keep complaints about my personal life out of them because I didn't want to 'ruin' my happy places on the Internet with my sad thoughts. ._.
I guess the first thing I need to mention is that I'm completely undiagnosed with anything... I have no knowledge of actually having any disorder such as anxiety or depression, as I have no access to any doctor who could tell me so because I'm a low-income (actually NO-income) US resident with no health insurance... the last time I went to the doctor a few years back (an urgent last resort because whatever illness I had left me unable to SPEAK), I was charged $200 for the visit... u_u That was very upsetting, but livable at the time because I was employed at the time, which isn't the case any more, and I don't even have $200 in the bank at this point so seeing a doctor is just a thing that isn't going to happen.
Um. I think I'm jumping around a bit. I don't really even know how to approach talking about what problems I have. Not KNOWING what those problems are is a big contributor to the anxiousness that I feel... (I'm trying to avoid saying "my anxiety" because I do not know if I actually have anxiety and self-diagnosing is bad, bad, bad). Every single day is one spent worrying about needing to see a doctor and being unable to do so. u_u
I'm 24 years old, female, very small of frame. I get sick all the time (sinus infections, I think?) that I just have to soldier on through myself because I can't really get prescriptions and even over-the-counter stuff is too expensive to buy all the time. I used to be employed in a retail position and I stayed there for three years, and every night I would come home aching all over and hating myself for failing to find a better job for myself and not making enough money to pay for the house's bills (my Mom has been unemployed for several years, and my crappy minimum wage job was literally what was paying the household's bills). I had this knowledge pressing on me every day and I spent so much time just crying. Sometimes even during work, I'd have to hide out in the store's bathroom for a while (praying that it wasn't in use) and just sit on the disgusting floor and cry. There are three separate occasions I can think of where I cried in front of the managers, and it was always after they'd ask "How are you today?" or "Where were you yesterday?"
Finally there came the day that I just stayed home, snuggled with the dog on my bed, and cried, cried, cried. I never went back in and I never contacted the managers or anything. I Facebooked one of my friends and fellow employees about a week later and asked if it was bad, and she said they'd probably let me back if I'd just come in and talk to someone. But I really, really, really, physically could not even bring myself to go in there, much less open my mouth and talk to somebody. I didn't even like the place, and I was supposed to somehow make the case that I wanted to stay there?
So that happened in about November of 2011, and I've been technically unemployed since then, but the truth is that I've actually been self-employed. I have blogs that I earn quite a bit from thanks to advertising revenue and other promotion-type posts, and since I was free from going to work all the time I started sewing little cute plushes and I made a LOT of money making those available.
Still, though, the little handfuls of money that I make myself aren't enough to pay for the house, so I have this pressing issue in the back of my mind that if I don't work harder I'm going to lose everything. I job hunted for a good, long time... like 6-7 months out of last year were spent totally dedicated to trying to land an office job, even just doing data entry or something. But I chickened out every time the phone rang (like, heart racing and sometimes I'd start crying) and just THINKING about physically going to an interview in an unfamiliar environment and having to talk to unfamiliar people made me so, so, scared that I would just cry. And I hated myself for it - that the roadblock keeping me from moving forward was MYSELF, and that this isn't something I should be behaving like this over, and that everyone has to go through this, and why can't I do it? And so it was just an endless downward spiral of hating myself more and more and THAT stopped me from ever picking myself up and moving forward TOO.
Ugh, this isn't even everything that I want to vent about. =_= This is so awful. I'll probably come back to this and say some more.
But in the meantime, could I maybe just hear some kind words from other people here? I really just want to hear something nice. It doesn't even have to be about me or any of the problems I mentioned here. Just tell me a story about something nice that happened to you today, even if it's just that you saw a cute picture of a dog on the internet. I really just want some cheering up for now, and I feel really selfish asking for that, because I never do this, I never do things for myself, but I really want to hear some happy stories, or words of encouragement.
ALSO IT'S FREEZING IN MY HOUSE BECAuse I think the heater is broken. ;-; So cold....... *huddles in blankets*