Writing for the first time

[NekoChan]

So I know this girl who writes a lot and I mean a lot. By a lot, I mean she writes pretty much 24/7, because she has that much PC time. So we both watch anime and read manga and I have always been interested in my own manga. Since I can't drawn I have been thinking about making my own story in a manga style. Iv read a lot of her fan fictions, that is where I got my inspiration with how my dialog and everything looks. Bare in mind this is my first time
It was like 4:20 AM when I started and it's 4:54 and this is what I have wrote so far, taking a smoke break now.

Spoiler (Click to View)

Aria7e


On a misty daylight our story has begun, when Yin noticed a Déjà vu. He knew he has seen that girl somewhere before, but couldn’t recall where so he just kept walking. When he finally arrived at the house he was already late for the show.

“Come already, no time to waste, they already started” she said. There was a huge tension around the stage as 2 great martial artists battled each other in a friendly match.
“You probably could beat them both, if you came back to fight here” she insisted.
“That is my past, I have told you enough times, I am a different man now” Explained Yin.
While the women got mad “Don’t give me ‘I am a changed man’ crap, you come here every week to watch this fight.”



This is a land of Japan where government can’t reach and every man has to watch out for themselves. It’s a waste land for the criminals and poor people. Mostly populated with Samurais who fight each other for little money. No laws, no police, no military, it’s a paradise for the strong , but hell for the week. Yin is a lazy traveler who has put away his way of the Samurai, saying that the Samurai lost it’s respect in this land long time ago.

While Yin was walking on the street, he accidently bumped into somebody. He didn’t see who it was, the man was in a hurry and just continued walking. When suddenly he heard a voice from behind.
“Is that you Yin” asked the suspicious man. “And who might you you be weird old man” responded Yin, without actually knowing the age of who he was talking with.

[Peter L]

Spend more time introducing the story, I was confused and lost through it all. I see what you're attempting, but try to be as detailed as possible.

[NekoChan]

Spend more time introducing the story, I was confused and lost through it all. I see what you're attempting, but try to be as detailed as possible.

I think you should re-read my thread. Then if you are interested in the story or this thread go look up few anime shows or mangas. Then you come back and delete your comment.

I said it's in a manga and anime style. Manga starts mysteriously too, with little to no story at the start.

[Peter L]

Yeah, I've read manga before. I've read it enough to know a captivating introduction. Yours was dull and boring. It was not mysterious, it came off like an 8 year old wrote it.

Like I clearly said, "I see what you're trying to do," but you weren't doing it well. If you want to be a doucebag, than I'll be honest: your writing sucks and if it took you 34 minutes to write whatever the hell that is than you have miles to go.

Learn to take criticism while it's nice.

[NekoChan]

Yeah, I've read manga before. I've read it enough to know a captivating introduction. Yours was dull and boring. It was not mysterious, it came off like an 8 year old wrote it.

Like I clearly said, "I see what you're trying to do," but you weren't doing it well. If you want to be a doucebag, than I'll be honest: your writing sucks and if it took you 34 minutes to write whatever the hell that is than you have miles to go.

Learn to take criticism while it's nice.

This is the first time I have wrote anything, I lack of creativity like A LOT.
I know this sucks, I posted it for reviews of what I could do better or how is my writing style. I didn't ask if I have a good intro, it's just a test story.

I can take criticism, I have been a designer most of my life, before you judge somebody get to know him, scumbag.

[Peter L]

Your reply to my original comment was extremely and unnecessarily condescending.

[NekoChan]

Your reply to my original comment was extremely and unnecessarily condescending.

Sorry, but considering I am an avid fan of Japan, I think I know more than you how that style of a story should be started and carried on.

Go read some manga fan fictions.

[Peter L]

Yes, whatever. You know the style better? So what? You didn't even come close to achieving what that style does. So that is where my suggestions came from, stop telling me to "go read mangas" when I've already stated I have.

Knowing the style != reproducing the style.

[NekoChan]

Yes, whatever. You know the style better? So what? You didn't even come close to achieving what that style does. So that is where my suggestions came from, stop telling me to "go read mangas" when I've already stated I have.

Knowing the style != reproducing the style.

This is how manga fan fictions are written, it's like a tradition. I know what style am I doing. If you are mad that the sports you play sucks, don't take it out on my thread. I would be happy if you would not respond here anymore.

[Peter L]

This is how manga fan fictions are written, it's like a tradition. I know what style am I doing. If you are mad that the sports you play sucks, don't take it out on my thread. I would be happy if you would not respond here anymore.

Are you kidding me? How is that thread even relevant? Sad excuse for a human we have here...I'm taking a break from SF.