Well, time for another block of text I guess. I'll just get to the point.
Two weeks ago, our school (seniors) was supposed to go on a 7 day school trip. Basically, drinking till you pass out. I didn't want to go cause it costed too much money and I knew it would be shitty for me. After finding out that the travel agency would only refund you half of the money if you don't go, I decided to go anyways. I didn't felt like giving them $300 for nothing. So, I came there, we went to Chechz Republic. I was in a room with no-lifers who neither drink, or smoke or know how to have fun. All they did was solving crosswords and playing cards. So, I spent couple of evenings at other peoples rooms, drinking. After being annoyed by the people who were at those rooms I decided I'll rather sleep instead of being there. So, I was just waiting for those 7 days to pass. Only part of the trip I enjoyed was when we were sightseeing Prague. On the last day, in Poland, Krakow, we were in a hotel. Being annoyed by never being invited by the girls or anyone else to their room, despite the fact that these "no-lifers" were invited to this room with the girls, I was kinda depressed. A lot of them had sex there, or atleast they kissed a girl for first time or something. I've done nothing of that. So, the last day, I came to that room where all of them were, I got drunk and I was speaking to a couple of girls. One of them asked me have I ever had a girlfriend, had sex or kissed one. I replied with "No". She thought I was joking around. When I said to her that I was dead serious, she said nothing. After a minute she said, you can't live like that, with no love, no girls, only alcohol and you alcoholic friends. I said that I know. So, that bummed me out. They all went to another room, while I stayed in another room, alone. I remember these two girls came, asking me if something was wrong. I replied no and said to leave me alone. After half an hour, I went on a balcony and a girl and a friend of mine came there too. The other two couples were making out on the beds and we were "locked-out" on the balcony. We decided just to wait there till they finish. I lost my temper and I just rushed in and walked out of the hotel room. A friend of mine was pissed cause I barged into the room while he was trying to get this girl naked. I didn't care much, nor I do now. I roamed around the hotel and layed on the sofa infront of the reception, till I could get my key. Apparently, alot of people were having sex or made out that night, while I, I was just laying on the couch infront of the reception, like some homeless guy, half-drunk, smelling on vodka and beer. I just want to mention that I was sober the previous six days. Even a friend of mine, who never goes out made out with one of the girls, while I got nothing. That just makes me depressed. Do I really look that repulsive to the girls. Is my personallity that bad? Damn... Well, after coming back home, I got a news that my grandfather died. I didn't look sad from the outside, but I was and stiil am torn from the inside. I didn't even said goodbye to him. I just rushed to the trip, last time I talked to him was when I asked him some money for Saturday night or something like that. I wasn't that close to him, but it's ripping me apart. I always have this feeling that he's still in his room, sleeping, and that he will get out in the morning, to go and buy some bread, maybe roam around the garden and fix some stuff. I just feel like crying, but I can't. And with all those feelings, I still feel like and outcast, that I will never have a girlfriend, nor that I will ever kiss one either. I just feel like crap. Damn, I spent this day going around the shopping malls, buying crap to make myself happy, without any success, and drinking. I just feel like this life isn't even worth living...
EDIT: Forgot to mention, that these two girls came later to my room to ask me what was wrong, and I just screamed on them the get the fudge out from my room and that I just want to sleep. Now they're mad for it. Also, couple of friends of mine said that my behaviour is too agressive, which is true. I attacked one guy who was "hitting" on my friend (girl), she got mad cause of it and said that she will never ask help from me again. Also, my parents and poor as crap, and my grandfather dealed with the bills. I think that the electric company will probably shut us off in the couple of months, bank may even take away our house. I just feel that I reached the end... I don't plan to be homeless or to steal to live. I could live from stealing, I know couple of tricks how to get easy money, but I don't want to do it. I just want to have a normal life but I think it's not possible...
Two weeks ago, our school (seniors) was supposed to go on a 7 day school trip. Basically, drinking till you pass out. I didn't want to go cause it costed too much money and I knew it would be shitty for me. After finding out that the travel agency would only refund you half of the money if you don't go, I decided to go anyways. I didn't felt like giving them $300 for nothing. So, I came there, we went to Chechz Republic. I was in a room with no-lifers who neither drink, or smoke or know how to have fun. All they did was solving crosswords and playing cards. So, I spent couple of evenings at other peoples rooms, drinking. After being annoyed by the people who were at those rooms I decided I'll rather sleep instead of being there. So, I was just waiting for those 7 days to pass. Only part of the trip I enjoyed was when we were sightseeing Prague. On the last day, in Poland, Krakow, we were in a hotel. Being annoyed by never being invited by the girls or anyone else to their room, despite the fact that these "no-lifers" were invited to this room with the girls, I was kinda depressed. A lot of them had sex there, or atleast they kissed a girl for first time or something. I've done nothing of that. So, the last day, I came to that room where all of them were, I got drunk and I was speaking to a couple of girls. One of them asked me have I ever had a girlfriend, had sex or kissed one. I replied with "No". She thought I was joking around. When I said to her that I was dead serious, she said nothing. After a minute she said, you can't live like that, with no love, no girls, only alcohol and you alcoholic friends. I said that I know. So, that bummed me out. They all went to another room, while I stayed in another room, alone. I remember these two girls came, asking me if something was wrong. I replied no and said to leave me alone. After half an hour, I went on a balcony and a girl and a friend of mine came there too. The other two couples were making out on the beds and we were "locked-out" on the balcony. We decided just to wait there till they finish. I lost my temper and I just rushed in and walked out of the hotel room. A friend of mine was pissed cause I barged into the room while he was trying to get this girl naked. I didn't care much, nor I do now. I roamed around the hotel and layed on the sofa infront of the reception, till I could get my key. Apparently, alot of people were having sex or made out that night, while I, I was just laying on the couch infront of the reception, like some homeless guy, half-drunk, smelling on vodka and beer. I just want to mention that I was sober the previous six days. Even a friend of mine, who never goes out made out with one of the girls, while I got nothing. That just makes me depressed. Do I really look that repulsive to the girls. Is my personallity that bad? Damn... Well, after coming back home, I got a news that my grandfather died. I didn't look sad from the outside, but I was and stiil am torn from the inside. I didn't even said goodbye to him. I just rushed to the trip, last time I talked to him was when I asked him some money for Saturday night or something like that. I wasn't that close to him, but it's ripping me apart. I always have this feeling that he's still in his room, sleeping, and that he will get out in the morning, to go and buy some bread, maybe roam around the garden and fix some stuff. I just feel like crying, but I can't. And with all those feelings, I still feel like and outcast, that I will never have a girlfriend, nor that I will ever kiss one either. I just feel like crap. Damn, I spent this day going around the shopping malls, buying crap to make myself happy, without any success, and drinking. I just feel like this life isn't even worth living...
EDIT: Forgot to mention, that these two girls came later to my room to ask me what was wrong, and I just screamed on them the get the fudge out from my room and that I just want to sleep. Now they're mad for it. Also, couple of friends of mine said that my behaviour is too agressive, which is true. I attacked one guy who was "hitting" on my friend (girl), she got mad cause of it and said that she will never ask help from me again. Also, my parents and poor as crap, and my grandfather dealed with the bills. I think that the electric company will probably shut us off in the couple of months, bank may even take away our house. I just feel that I reached the end... I don't plan to be homeless or to steal to live. I could live from stealing, I know couple of tricks how to get easy money, but I don't want to do it. I just want to have a normal life but I think it's not possible...
