Moving on more than 2 years after breakup

[irishbella]

Hi all,
I'm new here. I'm in my early 30s and I've run out of options and do not know how or when I'm ever going to move forward. My ex left me over 2 years ago. It was an incredibly painful and difficult breakup. We had a very intense relationship for over 4 years. We owned a home together, spent all of our time together, but had started arguing frequently. One day while I was at work, he packed one bag, walked out, and never came back. For the next few months we had almost daily contact although only to arrange things like our pets and bills. I completely broke down and could no longer cope. I went through the motions of life and had to medicate in order to just survive the emotional pain. Finally, feeling unable to handle the despair and loneliness, my family flew out to me and moved me 1000 miles back to my hometown.

Over 2 years later, I have a new job, my own place, I've dated a bit, however, I cannot seem to move past this person. I genuinely break down and cry on a daily basis. The absence of my ex in my life is so profound and causes me so much pain, I don't know how to continue getting by. I'm hurting so badly. I thought time was supposed to heal. Why can I not get past this person. Has anyone else ever experienced this much pain this long after a relationship has ended? Or do I have emotional problems and/or some sort of obsessive mental illness?

[xMan]

i don't think that you'll ever fully get over it, however my suggestion for you would be to date until you find someone you can loose your thoughts with, just because your with them.

Sorry to hear about the break up, kind of harsh :\

i hope everything gets better for you

[Mute]

I'm no professional, or I've never been in a relationship for longer than a year, so I can't help 100%. However, I will give my opinions on the situation from the information you've provided. I could be completely off with anything I say, so apologies beforehand if I am.

First thing I noticed you say (not only because it was in the first sentence) was that you're in your early 30s. You're getting in that stage of your life where all your friends you knew are now settled down and married, and you're single. This probably has something to do with why you can't get over the break-up if you ask me.. maybe you feel like you'll never find someone else to settle down with besides him, and you were already that far into the relationship, so why just give it up and move on when you've already established something that deep? If that's the case, you need to step back and look at your life, how far you've come and how much farther you have to go. There are plenty fish in the sea, but you're only thinking about your ex. When you go on dates, think positively about how you could build new and better relationships, instead of giving up and going back to crying over him. You've got a lot to live for.

Now let me ask you this, have you conveyed your feelings to your ex?
If not, maybe try doing that. Even if he rejects you it could be a good thing, maybe you'll finally realize it's over, and it always feels good to get things off your chest instead of keeping them in, and who knows? He might even feel the same way. (But don't get your hopes up).


Try getting some other activities to even keep your mind off the idea of dating. Join a gym, ride your bike, sign-up for a yoga class. Exercise is a great way to keep your mind off things. Get some more things to keep you busy, and maybe you'll meet someone who will sweep you off your feet there, you never know what could happen. But crying and being depressed about it will not help.

Good luck to you in the future and I hope any of my advice has helped.

[irishbella]

Thank you both for taking the time to read my situation and offer advice.

Mute, some of what you said is definitely true. At my age I do believe it's harder to be single when I had expectations of being with that person forever. We were engaged and planning a family.

He does know my feelings. We are still in contact.. far too often actually. He tells me sometimes he still loves me but because we will never be together again, that does not help the situation. It makes it worse. I know that cutting off communication with him completely could help alot. But even when we go weeks or months without speaking, I'm still in this place of utter despair. Turning to him for comfort makes things more difficult as it reopens the wounds once its clear we arent going to be together again. The rejection is refreshed and the hurt even deeper.
It doesn't feel like there is anyone out there I can ever be that comfortable with again. I know I'm sounding very cliche here, but I just feel broken, damaged, and incapable of finding someone who can both accept my past baggage, but also is emotionally stable and healthy themselves.

[Mute]

Then I would definitely suggest you stop talking to him. When you talk to him it's just a reminder of what's happened, the less you think about it the better. At first it will seem bad but you'll get used to the idea of not being able to talk to him and eventually accept it. I don't think it's healthy for you to talk to him, what if he ends up finding another woman and settling down with her? That would probably make you feel even worse.
If you plan on doing that you're going to need to stay positive like I mentioned before and have a strong will, an urge to move on. It's really the only thing you can do if you don't want to stay like this forever.

[Bяian ♪]

You have to be positive Bella. You are saying 'at your age' it might be hard to ever feel the way you do about someone again, especially to start a family with. Well I completely dis-agree with this. I think your early 30's is a perfect time to find someone else, you are still relatively young and in your prime. Most people tend to enjoy the single life in their 20's then settle down in their 30's. It's going to take a while to get over this guy, no doubt about it but you don't have a mental illness thats for sure. Your heart is broken but it will mend. If this guy is capable of simply packing up and leaving after a 4 year relationship then he isn't the one for you. This to me wipes out his claims of still 'loving' you. You will find someone new, someone who isn't the type of guy who would just randomly leave you and break your heart. Give it time tho, talk to friends, go out and have fun and flirt with other guys. You will soon forget about him and your dreams of starting a family with your TRUE soul-mate will still be in tact. All the best.

[irishbella]

I agree with what you're saying. Trust me I've thought of him finding someone else. I can't even deal with the concept. I can't even type it out without the tears starting to flow heavily.

I exercise daily, I'm part of my Church community, I have a very close knit family.. I've tried anti-depressants, therapy, diet.. yet still I'm in so much emotional pain that sometimes it's crippling. I can't listen to music at all... any type of music evokes an emotional response and I begin to cry. I can't watch certain tv shows or talk/hear about certain places because I break down. I break down every single day. Sometimes in the few moments after I've cried for a while I feel cleansed.. and a little better. But then the whole thing just starts all over the next day. I don't want to think about him anymore. I don't want to hurt and miss him. I don't want him to be someone I miss.

I just want to be happy again.

[Mute]

Maybe you're doing too much then, not giving yourself enough time to think about what's really going on and what needs to be done at this point. I feel like you're trapped in this thought that only he can make you happy. Have an open mind. You're not really giving yourself credits where credits are due either. I'm sure you're a great person with a great future, but you're not letting yourself do that because of the thought of him and not yourself.
This isn't some sort of medical condition, might I add, you're just blocking it all out. Pills are a joke, don't let them fool you. The only person who can change things is you. You have the ability to do it I promise.

I can't really give you any other advice other than what I've already given you. I'm almost positive the only solution sounds like you need to stop talking to him, then after you've accepted the idea that he's gone, and your mind is clear, start dating again.

[Livewire]

There's no other option but to move on really. I'm watching someone experience the same - well actually, a worse situation.
Marriage ending after 23 years.
Time heals all buddy. Good luck.

[Guest]

I know how you feel. I was with the only guy I ever loved for 7 years. We broke up 5 years ago and my heart still aches about it. I fell into a deep depression and it feels now like I am barely getting out of that hole. He did wrong and so did I. I blamed myself and replayed over and over in my mind how the relationship ended and kept thinking about the what ifs. I blamed myself for my sadness because I had opportunities to work things out and get back together but my emotions would not allow me to. I started dating someone immediately after the breakup, which led to me lying about my new relationship, avoiding places where I might run into my ex, feeling like I had to watch my back because I didnt want my ex to hear I was with someone new. And this someone new I stayed with for 4 years! The entire new relationship I was in was torture. I cared about this person but still loved my ex. I started to have anxiety attacks, I couldnt sleep. I flunked out of graduate school, stayed unemployed for 2 years. I couldnt get motivated to do anything. I was on my way to law school when this breakup happened only to find myself sitting there like a lost soul. After 4 years, i broke up with this new person and owned up to my feelings and the truth. My relationship with my only love would never happen again and starting a relationship with someone new never relieves the pain. It makes it worse. I realized once I owned up to the mistakes and took an outside view of my relationship, I realized that this happened for a reason and LIFE GOES ON.

Trust me, it may take a long time to get over what happened. You never really get over the person completely. They have a hold on your heart but slowly that hold lets go little by little. You'll never forget him. You'll always look back, at times with fondness and times of sadness and regret why things didnt work out. But things happen for a reason. I woke up everyday for years not wanting to get out of bed. I hated life. And when he popped back in my life last year to re-start again only to find out he moved in with someone the same week, it became apparent that this is MY LIFE, my feelings, MY TIME to be happy. I deserved to be happy. He is now with this new girl, moved to Colorado, and is having a baby with her. Things that me and him had always talked about and planned for. GONE...with someone else. I have since crawled out of that deep, black, sad hole I was in for 5 years. I realized I need to fall in love again... with MYSELF. To take care of myself, to deserve something and someone better. I defined my own happiness. I am gonna be great for someone else... they're they lucky ones! I finally met someone who I know I could fall in love with. I admire him from a distance but in crushing on this new guy, I realized how much better I could do. Even if this guy never noticed me, i might meet someone that catches my eye just as well and fall hard in love again. I now look back at my ex and think he is a fool. I look at the things I tolerated but hated...and I realize I didnt love him as much I thought i did. we get wrapped up in the emotional ties of a relationship. Our life revolves around it and thats the hardest part of letting go.

There is life out there trust me. Five years after the break up im still dealing with the effects. But im beginning to be much happier. I never took medication or sought help with a therapist although i should have. its the best thing you could do for yourself... to dig deep into your thoughts and feelings and allow your spirit to take you forward and show you that YOU are the one who is responsible for your happiness. Dont be a hostage to that person who isnt willing to show you more than their selfish and convenient wants. Best of luck to you.