[LGBT] A guide to coming out. [LGBT]

[Elektrisk]

This tutorial was chosen as the best tutorial in Skill's contest!

A Guide To Coming Out,
by Elektrisk and Vaqxine.

Homo/Bisexuality in a nutshell.

Basically, what you're attracted to is defined as your sexual orientation. Homosexuality is the attraction to your own sex, bisexuality is the attraction to both sexes. It is often suggested that no one is 100% gay or 100% straight. Contemplate the human's ability to recognize beauty (or the lack thereof) in any sex. In modern culture, you often hear females say that another female is ugly or beautiful. This does not imply that she's a lesbian; it merely implies the fact that she embraces her natural sense of vision. The same goes with males. Often, males can be seen joking around calling other guys 'ugly', but how do they know? The same way gay guys know if another guy is attractive or not. Scientists do not know what causes homosexuality/bisexuality, but many scientists and psychologists (including the The American Psychological Association, the American Psychiatric Association, the Australian Psychological Society, and the National Association of Social Workers) claim that trying to change one's natural sexual orientation can be harmful to ones psychological health, and have little to no effect, as per wikipedia.org.

Am I really gay/bi?

If you find yourself attracted to a specific gender (or genders), then yes. See above for the explanation of what being gay or bisexual is, then see if it matches your situation. this is defined as your sexual orientation. Homosexuality is the attraction to your own sex, bisexuality is the attraction to both sexes. If you're walking down the street with your friends and you see a really attractive guy and you think, "It'd be awesome if he randomly started talking with me." then you're most likely homosexual (assuming you're male). I think of it like this; when a person starts realising they might be different, 90% of the time, they deny it. They think, "Well, maybe I'm bisexual; then I can stil lead a (what society calls) "normal" life." This is a coping mechanism. They later on either find out that they are fully gay or lesbian, or definitely bisexual. I have read that bisexual people tend to 'sway' periodically one side to the other, but I'm not bisexual so I can't account for that.

Is it wrong?

It depends on whom you ask. There are certain countries, religions and families which do not tolerate homosexuality/bisexuality as well as others, but there are millions upon millions of gay/bisexual people in the world, and even more who accept it without any problems. You must embrace your own desires. Never let a person get to you just because of which gender you like. Just like racist people, there will always be people who are out to bring you down because of your sexuality. Keep your head high, because in the future, homophobia like it exists today will be a thing of the past, much like sexism against females or racism against blacks.

Who needs to know?

Because they are wrapped up in actually getting out of the closet, many LGBT teens don't take into account WHOM they should tell. Let's think about it; how does letting some random guy that you have never met benefit you? It only gives him an opportunity to harass you. You should, in general, only tell people who you THINK deserve to know. You can't just set your MySpace orientation to 'gay' and expect everything to be a walk in the park like I, did. That just makes you the object of gossip for that week/month/whatever, and if you have attended high school for at least a semester, you should know that HS thrives off of drama and gossip. Think about who deserves to know before you tell the world ^^

How do I know how they'll react?

Simply put; you don't. Coming out to a certain person is a gamble. They'll either a) love you the same, b) be 'eh' about it and eventually stop talking to you, or c) get grossed out for reasons of their own. Here're some ways to 'test the waters' before telling someone your secret. Let it be known that I didn't really do this with anyone when I came out. I did it with the first person I told, my best friend at the time (female), but it wasn't subtle at all. It was a more of, "Hey, what would you think if I were gay?" =p Anyway, there're many ways of 'testing the waters', but here're the most simple: Ask them if you think Obama will repeal the DADT policy (this generally will only work for Americans. DADT = Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Wiki it), if they are a more 'current events' type person, ask them what they think of Sweden legalising same sex marriage this past summer (even though they did it in April or so). Another really good way of testing the waters with someone is saying like, "I just found out that XX is gay.. what should I do?" and see what they say. This will probably work best with your parents, but it could help with a friend situation as well. Also, just use common sense. If a straight guy can stand to sit through a movie like Brüno or I Love You, Man all the way through, then they must not be that homophobic.

How do I go about telling them?

It might just be my personality, but I don't like stalling. When I have something to tell someone, I do it very bluntly. So, if I were you, I'd simply say, "There's something I think you should know; I'm gay." or whatever. This may seem scary, but think of it this way; the moment you tell someone your secret, you can't take it back. The words are out there. You can either think of this as a blessing, or a nightmare. Personally, I think it's a blessing. Once you come out, you can't do anything but move on with life. You should not feel compelled to keep your secret to yourself, 'cause eventually it'll find its own way out, but on the other hand, think before you tell someone. Keeping a secret in general is a big burden, especially when it regards something like someone's sexuality. Anyway, you could do something cliché like text them or leave a note on their door, but it'd be better if you sat down with them and told them. It'll be less awkward that way, 'cause you can answer any questions that they might have. Just remember that after a while, it just stops mattering with most people. Your mom might break down in tears at the reality of you being gay/bi, but eventually, they'll accept it somewhat at the least. My parents have known for over a year and a half now and still aren't completely used to it.

How do I deal with bullying?

Depending on where you live, bullying can be really bad, or it can be virtually nonexistent. Devious teenagers will ALWAYS find something to have a go at you for. The simple truth is that you cannot let what people say get to you. Call me naïve, but if anyone knows about harassment because of sexual orientation, it's an openly gay teen in small-town Oklahoma (me). So, an ideal solution would be to date a hardass, or become one yourself But that's not really convenient for most people, so you have a few options. You can a) ignore the harassment, b) verbally retaliate, c) physically retaliate, d) rely on your friends to stick up for you, e) tell someone. Let's explore these options.

A) Ignoring the harssment has two possible outcomes. The bullies will either think you are weak minded and will continue to harass you, or they will assume you are unaffected by their antics and terminate the harssment. It can be real hard to ignore the harassment, though, so if you decide to utilize this method, then you'll have to practice doing it.

B) Retaliating verbally is like, you know, saying stuff back. Let's take this conversation for example:

Bully: You're a freakin fool/dyke.
Gay/Bi person: What are you gonna tell me next, my name?

Alternatively, you could use a less intelligent but equally effective comeback, such as, "Leave me the fudge alone or I'll curbstomp you." something to that effect. Just be sure that if you say you're going to do something, be prepared to do it!

C) Retaliating physically is self-explanatory, but don't pick a fight with someone who you know can beat you up. Take into account that just because a person is muscular does not mean he or she is adept at physical combat, and just because a person is not muscular does not mean they aren't. Think of this person; do they have a reputation of being violent? Have you heard of them fighting well? I'm not going to give you naive advice such as, "Violence isn't the answer." because sometimes it is, but I'd strongly recommend taking a defensive approach in combat. It would be a lot more embarassing for the bully if you simply made him submit by way of painful locks, as opposed to breaking his jaw. Doing so will also make you seem like a more serene person who was/is in the right, which may protect against you being expelledo r whatever they do in your country.

D) Relying on your friends to stick up for you:
I'm going to assume that you have some friends who remotely care about you. Female friends can take care of the female bullies (yes, they exist) assuming you're male. If you're female, then male friends can take care of the male bullies, and vice versa . There're many things your friends can do, and probably will, about harassment. Your friends could corner a bully, tell them to knock it off or else, and you'd never know about it. They could tell a counselor and get that person in trouble, and you'd never know about it, so never assume that your friends don't care or aren't doing anything, 'cause they probably are. You just have to tell someone about it, even if it's your brothers/parents/friends. I'm not saying that you have to go tell the counselor if you don't want to, but at least tell your friends what's going on.

E) Tell someone:
Personally, I've never told a figure of authority, mainly 'cause I don't think they'd do much about it, and it'd probably only worsen things. However, authoritive figures vary from place to place, so only you know whether or not you should tell them. However, you should always tell your siblings (assuming they're mature enough to understand) and friends. What harm can it do? If you're getting harassed, your friends are gonna stick up for you. If they don't, then they aren't that good of friends, are they?

How do I meet other LGBT people my age?

The Internet is one place, using sites like http://thegyc.com although the internet isn't necessarily safe, so be sure to know who someone is before you meet up with them. Other than that, there are usually local LGBT groups, bars and clubs in most cities, so be sure to look around for them. A popular one is PFLAG. If you can meet at least one gay/bi teen, then you can ask them like, "Where'd you meet your bf/gf?" or "Do you have any other lgbt friends?" or "Where're some gay friendly places to hang out?" ect. Below, some websites have been listed to assist you in your search for comfort. I live near a relatively large town which has like five gay/lesbian bars, and one club for teens.

www.queerattitude.com (Helpful site if you're just starting to come out and need guidance; not a dating site. Though, beware that the people there are annoying as ****.)
www.thegyc.com (Assistance can be sought after in the forums, but don't expect Grade A help. Major dating site for all ages)
http://gayteenforum.org (Forum for teens. However, I think it should be said that 90% of the people there act like /b/tards, and if you don't have an emotional firewall, you're going to be susceptible to harassment. Irony at its best, huh)
www.gay.com (I think it's down at the moment, but mostly dating for men I believe)
www.dlist.com (Dating/friendships for gay/bi men)
www.downelink.com (Dating/friendships for LGBT persons)
www.trevorspace.org (Dating/friends for gay/bi/lesbian teenagers 13-17)
www.connexion.org (Dating/friends for gay/bi/lesbian adults 18+, trevorspace's sister site)

These are just the major ones. There're many more independent sites online, so get to Googleing

[Harvey]

Quality share.

[S0rath 0f the Black Sun]

Great guide. And finally a perfect place for you to share that.

[p0w3r0fchr1st]

Very nice! + props

[Grizzly]

Good guide. I honestly think anyone that thinks of you any different because of your sexuality, well, that person is just not worth your time.

[Vorfin]

Good guide Elek, doesn't really apply to me (Well maybe a tiny Bi-curious, but nothing that requires "coming out") But I can see this as being a great help for anyone "struggling" With an issue like this.

[Omniscient]

Interesting topic. I hadn't even thought of this as a good discussion but obviously a sexuality support thread makes a lot of sense for Emotional Support.

[Skill]

I wasn't expecting this type of thread but it's something that a number of male and female go through in their life.

I like the depth that you have gone too whilst writing this guide. I personally think that it has helped kick start the Emotional Support forum.

I know full well we will be seeing more guides from you in this area of support.

[p0w3r0fchr1st]

I wasn't expecting this type of thread but it's something that a number of male and female go through in their life.

I like the depth that you have gone too whilst writing this guide. I personally think that it has helped kick start the Emotional Support forum.

I know full well we will be seeing more guides from you in this area of support.

Of course. It is good for people who need it.

[Elektrisk]

Thanks a lot for the feedback, guys Hopefully I can write more useful guides in the future ^^