Questions I don't have answers for.

[majordave]

Perhaps I forgot to include something about the income he makes. My dad is the only one in his business.He has no other employees to pay at all. My dad used to have a safe in his closet at were I used to live in Old Bridge that had large amounts of money in it. When my mom won a court case my dad and his friend go to the house and make a big mess and steal my moms jewlery. My mom took my fathers book with memories of his father, Gianni. Letters and pictures are in that book and my mom holds on to it since my father stole my moms jewelry. Money is not a problem to him, I can tell. My dad works for an owner who owns several places about 12 and he overpays my dad. My dad avoids paying taxes and everything. He doesn't end up with 30,000 or anything close to that with how he runs his work. In addition, my Dad had a lawyer who once worked for the Senator who helped him a lot and they ended up bribing the judge as well. My dad has had many more advantages than my mom which made him get away. The diners who hide my dads income from them require a lawsuit which can cost a lot of money especially for each one. One more thing, my dad and mom never talked for YEARS. From when they got divorced till now. What happened on March 1st was when I had surgery for a tonsillectomy My mom asked if my dad was going to be there and if he did she wouldn't go and same thing for my dad.

How is it that you know ANY of this? Your post only reaffirms what I already said, which is that your mom and grandfather had absolutely no business laying any of this on your shoulders. None of it's your fault, and they shouldn't be making it your problem!

Are you aware that in many states that joint custody is now mandatory? And by joint custody I mean that as long as it is reasonably possible, the children spend 50% of the time with one, and 50% of the time with the other, and most of the time, there is NO child support is given, because custody is shared.

The only time there is ANY child support under these arrangements is if one parent makes significantly more than the other. In which case, generally they do something like taking 15% of each parent's income, dividing it in two, and give 1/2 to each. If your state was a joint custody state, your mother would receive practically nothing,if anything, and you would be spending 1/2 your time with your dad, automatically.

More and more states are doing this, including mine. And most people I know who are divorced now share joint custody arrangements. There's no fighting over child support because there isn't child support to fight over! I have some very close personal friends who went through bitter divorces, and am amazed just how well they've now managed to adjust and get along under these arrangements. Neither one has any power over the other, and they have to negotiate and work together. If they can't, they have to go back into arbritration, which costs them LOTS of money, and neither one will win. So they get along now, they have no other choice!

The reason for this is because it has been found that children benefit more from having an equal input from both parents and child support was intended to be strictly for the benefit of the children, not to benefit a former spouse. Unless your mom was awarded alimony, that money your dad gives is not for her, it's for you, and is only intended to provide for 1/2 of your support, not all. Your parents are divorced. Your dad is not responsible for supporting your mom, only for helping her support you.

Money's also relative, and people tend to spend as much as they make, whether they need to or not. Myself personally, even when I earned just over minimum wage I had lots o extra money, and that's because I'm frugal and have always lived way under my means and still do. Our parents gave us food, clothing and shelter. For money, we were on our own and from the age of 11 on, I never had any problem finding people willing to hire and pay me. Money's never been an issue for me, or my other 3 siblings and as far as we're all concerned, our parents got it right.

Did your dad screw over your mom? Maybe, but she really needs to let it go. Life's not always fair, and there are many things beyond our control. If you hold onto them forever, the only one you suceed in harming is yourself -- however when it comes to divorce, this harms the children even more, and if you sat down and talked to her, she might understand better how it's been effecting you.

Did my dad screw over OUR mom? Yeah, ok, probably, but so what? She never complained because she didn't want her problems to effect US. Besides, between the 4 of us, we have MORE than made up for anything she didn't get from our dad. We actively compete, holding contests between ourselves to come up, and take her on the most luxurious vacations, the fanciest restaurants, the finest furnishings. We treat her like a queen and she wants for nothing. What goes around, comes around, so try to make sure what comes around your way is only good.

Again, I wish you and your family all the best!