08-05-2013, 02:09 AM
Whatever is wrong with me is getting worse.
I found this friend who care about me a lot and i care about her a lot too, both probably more than we should as we're only friends.
Last week she was admitted to hospital, there's something wrong with her kidney and after being discharged 4 days ago, she was admitted again this morning. She's almost the only reason i have left to live for, she's been through a lot in her life and she's asked me several times to 'take her away to a far away place'. I'm not sure what that means, but i want to protect her with everything I have and I won't let someone hurt her again. Looking after her and making sure she's okay makes me feel like I have a reason to be on this earth. However, I find myself struggling with what I call 'episodes of depression': sometimes I just cant seem to do anything without hating the world or wanting to punch a wall.
During these 'episodes' i just feel like I want to crawl into a hole and die. To the contrary though, I sometimes experience up to an entire day of crazy happiness where all is well and the world is just fine. I don't seem as worried about the world and it's problems and I just enjoy my life. I've searched for a cause of why my moods are so extreme, but i cannot find any direct link to anything in my life. I've learnt to almost live with it, but the depressive mood state I sometimes find myself in seems to be getting worse up to the point where I simply just burst into tears for no reason at all and just lay there for hours hugging a pillow.
I have mixed feelings about wanting to live or not. I won't ever commit suicide, but I've lost my religion about a year ago, and since then I lost almost all my remaining friends because of it. I just don't see the point of this whole living and eventually just dying anyway.
I cannot tell my parents any of this, and I can't afford the help of a professional. But I just have so much I think about and I'm certainly not looking for sympathy, there are people with bigger problems than mine, but I want to be the best friend I can to this girl and right now it seems that my emotional state begins to interfere with that so I feel like I need help, even if it's just for her sake.
If something were to happen to my friend I wouldn't survive, I'm not allowed to visit her and it's already driving me insane.
I found this friend who care about me a lot and i care about her a lot too, both probably more than we should as we're only friends.
Last week she was admitted to hospital, there's something wrong with her kidney and after being discharged 4 days ago, she was admitted again this morning. She's almost the only reason i have left to live for, she's been through a lot in her life and she's asked me several times to 'take her away to a far away place'. I'm not sure what that means, but i want to protect her with everything I have and I won't let someone hurt her again. Looking after her and making sure she's okay makes me feel like I have a reason to be on this earth. However, I find myself struggling with what I call 'episodes of depression': sometimes I just cant seem to do anything without hating the world or wanting to punch a wall.
During these 'episodes' i just feel like I want to crawl into a hole and die. To the contrary though, I sometimes experience up to an entire day of crazy happiness where all is well and the world is just fine. I don't seem as worried about the world and it's problems and I just enjoy my life. I've searched for a cause of why my moods are so extreme, but i cannot find any direct link to anything in my life. I've learnt to almost live with it, but the depressive mood state I sometimes find myself in seems to be getting worse up to the point where I simply just burst into tears for no reason at all and just lay there for hours hugging a pillow.
I have mixed feelings about wanting to live or not. I won't ever commit suicide, but I've lost my religion about a year ago, and since then I lost almost all my remaining friends because of it. I just don't see the point of this whole living and eventually just dying anyway.
I cannot tell my parents any of this, and I can't afford the help of a professional. But I just have so much I think about and I'm certainly not looking for sympathy, there are people with bigger problems than mine, but I want to be the best friend I can to this girl and right now it seems that my emotional state begins to interfere with that so I feel like I need help, even if it's just for her sake.
If something were to happen to my friend I wouldn't survive, I'm not allowed to visit her and it's already driving me insane.