12-31-2012, 11:54 PM
Hi. My name is Jonathan. Ive stumbled across this web page because im hurting. Because I've wronged people and because I want to be a great person. I'm 27 years old. I live in Central California. Born and raised. Right now, I feel like im the furthest from the perfect person....Like I am the bottom scum of society. You see.....I have been in four (4) serious relationships. I've ruined three (3) and im currently in the fourth (4th). Ive lied.....I do lie. I lie to make myself appear to be a better person than I really am. For example....I will tell my significant other that I'm a part of a cool band or that I got an awesome job. Just make stuff up to make myself appear to be more than I am. I'm not boasting and I'm definitely not proud of what I have done and what I do. I feel like I have tarnished my life....like Ive already ruined my life. I have hurt people so bad in the past. And I know what everyone says....its all my fault. Its my choices. and they would be right. All of them. But the pain of my past hurts me so much. I want to be a good person. But I feel as if I can never be. Now im in the best relationship Ive ever been in. She loves me and I definitely love her. I live with a controlling uncle that wants to control my time and I cannot afford to move out. I work full time and I am trying to make something of myself. Things are just bad. Its been a painful three (3) years with losing my grandmother (who Ive lived with my entire life) to lukeima in 2009 and the family splitting apart and going separate directions to me destroying great relationships with people that I have emotionally hurt and scared forever. And this pain of all of this is honestly unbearable at this point. I mean.....am I getting what I deserve? to be in this sorrow and despair? Ive got handfuls of regrets that I cannot shake. Ive got life that I have used to hurt. I don't want to be the bad person that brings this pain. I just feel overwhelmed and just do not know direction to turn. And despite lying a lot through my life....what I say here is true and from the heart. I'm trying to discover god but Ive got problems. I feel like I keep reaching and failing. My chest hurts and I'm cold. I'm reaching and hoping. I want to feel purpose and I want to feel alive and well. I want to feel anything but pain in my life. I want good. I want life.