11-19-2012, 09:10 PM
I'm not an open person. My circumstances in life don't allow me to be and so I often get a lot bottled up. My life is currently in shambles and I just need to get it all out. I don't care what you think or say about it, but I need it to be viewed by someone I guess.
First off, I'm diagnosed with disdymic disorder (a form of depression), schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, and OCD. I have never used these as excuses but letting people know I have them can sometimes lend perspective to why I may see the world the way I do.
I was raised in a reclusive manner by ultra conservative, homeschooling Christian parents. Think Westboro Baptist type people. I hate them with a passion, well, my mother mostly. She was incredibly controlling, having pussy whipped my dad into meekness, she was abusive and controlling of me. We lived in the country on 10 acres and I was not allowed to associate with anyone who wasn't homeschooled and in our home church. That's another thing: Home churching. Christian itself is bad enough in my opinion (no offense to Christians here, but I tend to believe that most of you are poor advertising for your religion), but we couldn't even settle on a Church to go to because my mother's beliefs were so radically different and uncompromising. Petty things became a big deal, while major issues in life were bypassed and sidestepped. When I began listening to Eminem at the tender age of 16 (I'm 20 now) my mother would organize "family meetings" where she would literally intervene and force me to stop listening to this ungodly music. No joke. Same thing for movies, books, anything really. Outside of a 4-H group, I never knew anyone as a kid. When I was 8 years old, I had a semi-sexual encounter with another boy. It was a "show me yours I'll show you mine" kind of moment that would have been completely normal in any other household. My parents found out and they became worried that I was gay and I was taught far more about homosexuality at that tender age than I ever cared to know.
When I was 15 I became enrolled into a homeschooled speech and debate club that consisted of about 20 or so members per group, and would meet with hundreds at each tournament. This was my first real experience with people at all and it failed horribly. I attempted to make friends, but the only friend I actually had there was someone whom I had met through our church groups. When I openly declared via Facebook that I was no longer a Christian, he wrote a letter of apology to me and disbanded our friendship. Some friend, some Christian...Anyway, at this speech club, I was consistently ignored. I'm tall and fairly aggressive so most people never really mocked me once I started "bulking up" but I was usually ignored and considered a "freak" by most. I'm a thin guy and have been teased for it in the past. Once, when I was 7, a neighbor kid hit me because I looked different. I've been in fights regularly since then, but nothing ever really serious. I make a good target I guess.
When I was 18, I began aligning myself with LaVey's Church of Satan. I don't believe in Satan as a deity and I want to make it clear that this is a secular, atheistic religion that makes no claims of real deity to anyone or thing. If you want more information on it, look at their website, but I won't go into details here. I have not changed my views and I am also an Individualist Anarchist, following the political views laid down by the likes of Max Stirner. Quite the opposite of my upbringing. Part of it makes sense to me, but the other part is simply to distance myself from my parents as much as possible.
When I was 18, I left home with $1,000 to my name for Florida where I lived with a girlfriend for some time. There I hacked into my employer's computer and stole about 500 GB of client data which I proceeded to sell online. A year later, after moving back in with my parents for financial reasons, a knock came on my door and I was arrested by the FBI for "unauthorized access to a computer". I was charged on only one count and was sentenced to 10 months in the BOP and $6k in restitution. The judge then split the sentence so I would only spend 5 months in prison, and the rest would be spent on an ankle bracelet. I was also given 3 years probation. I'm currently on the ankle bracelet now, having just gotten out of the prison about a month ago. I'm court ordered to live with my parents while on the bracelet.
So my current situation really blows. I have no job, and no real way of getting one at the moment. They make it as hard as possible to look for a job while requiring me to get one before December 15th. I'm applying literally everywhere I can. From IT jobs down to concrete plants, to retail or flipping burgers. I'll work anywhere, for any pay. I just don't have any luck with these things. I'm a certified PI which is now longer useful due to my felony. I'm going to get CEH certified starting next year. I'm in debt to my college and I have restitution to pay. I can't go to school for financial reasons, nor am I sure I really want to. My girlfriend just broke up with me which really hurt. She had made a lot of claims and promises which she didn't keep and it's on my mind very heavy right now. My luck with women is horrible. I'm naturally attracted to the "bad girl" type. The ones with daddy issues who will always fudge you over in the end. I have a so-called "friend" who is the only person I currently know who is angry with me because he thinks I'm not trying to get a job or make anything of myself. He's lived a charmed life, and his personality is the exact opposite of me: He's the "nice guy", the do gooder. He doesn't realize how difficult life can be, even though he hasn't really made anything of himself either.
I've lost hope for the most part. I kinda ran out of reasons to wake up in the morning. Ever since I was a kid I've had fantasies about death which has lead at least one therapist to alert the police about. Suicide or murder play on my mind often, and sometimes it feels like I might explode. I have self control I feel, however, and I don't think I'll act on these impulses any time soon. I don't know. Everything is kind of falling apart right now in my life. I need a break. It's like one bad thing after another. I can handle a lot of crap, but when it's all there at once it gets hard.
In prison I had my first experience with meth. I've experimented with x, acid, weed, etc, but meth was one I always told myself I'd never try. Well, I lied I guess. I don't know what that means, but I guess I liked the high. I don't want to be addicted to anything else right now really, so I'm not pursuing it, especially while on probation, but it was a good high.
Anyway. End rant I guess.
TL;DR
Life sucks then we die
First off, I'm diagnosed with disdymic disorder (a form of depression), schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, and OCD. I have never used these as excuses but letting people know I have them can sometimes lend perspective to why I may see the world the way I do.
I was raised in a reclusive manner by ultra conservative, homeschooling Christian parents. Think Westboro Baptist type people. I hate them with a passion, well, my mother mostly. She was incredibly controlling, having pussy whipped my dad into meekness, she was abusive and controlling of me. We lived in the country on 10 acres and I was not allowed to associate with anyone who wasn't homeschooled and in our home church. That's another thing: Home churching. Christian itself is bad enough in my opinion (no offense to Christians here, but I tend to believe that most of you are poor advertising for your religion), but we couldn't even settle on a Church to go to because my mother's beliefs were so radically different and uncompromising. Petty things became a big deal, while major issues in life were bypassed and sidestepped. When I began listening to Eminem at the tender age of 16 (I'm 20 now) my mother would organize "family meetings" where she would literally intervene and force me to stop listening to this ungodly music. No joke. Same thing for movies, books, anything really. Outside of a 4-H group, I never knew anyone as a kid. When I was 8 years old, I had a semi-sexual encounter with another boy. It was a "show me yours I'll show you mine" kind of moment that would have been completely normal in any other household. My parents found out and they became worried that I was gay and I was taught far more about homosexuality at that tender age than I ever cared to know.
When I was 15 I became enrolled into a homeschooled speech and debate club that consisted of about 20 or so members per group, and would meet with hundreds at each tournament. This was my first real experience with people at all and it failed horribly. I attempted to make friends, but the only friend I actually had there was someone whom I had met through our church groups. When I openly declared via Facebook that I was no longer a Christian, he wrote a letter of apology to me and disbanded our friendship. Some friend, some Christian...Anyway, at this speech club, I was consistently ignored. I'm tall and fairly aggressive so most people never really mocked me once I started "bulking up" but I was usually ignored and considered a "freak" by most. I'm a thin guy and have been teased for it in the past. Once, when I was 7, a neighbor kid hit me because I looked different. I've been in fights regularly since then, but nothing ever really serious. I make a good target I guess.
When I was 18, I began aligning myself with LaVey's Church of Satan. I don't believe in Satan as a deity and I want to make it clear that this is a secular, atheistic religion that makes no claims of real deity to anyone or thing. If you want more information on it, look at their website, but I won't go into details here. I have not changed my views and I am also an Individualist Anarchist, following the political views laid down by the likes of Max Stirner. Quite the opposite of my upbringing. Part of it makes sense to me, but the other part is simply to distance myself from my parents as much as possible.
When I was 18, I left home with $1,000 to my name for Florida where I lived with a girlfriend for some time. There I hacked into my employer's computer and stole about 500 GB of client data which I proceeded to sell online. A year later, after moving back in with my parents for financial reasons, a knock came on my door and I was arrested by the FBI for "unauthorized access to a computer". I was charged on only one count and was sentenced to 10 months in the BOP and $6k in restitution. The judge then split the sentence so I would only spend 5 months in prison, and the rest would be spent on an ankle bracelet. I was also given 3 years probation. I'm currently on the ankle bracelet now, having just gotten out of the prison about a month ago. I'm court ordered to live with my parents while on the bracelet.
So my current situation really blows. I have no job, and no real way of getting one at the moment. They make it as hard as possible to look for a job while requiring me to get one before December 15th. I'm applying literally everywhere I can. From IT jobs down to concrete plants, to retail or flipping burgers. I'll work anywhere, for any pay. I just don't have any luck with these things. I'm a certified PI which is now longer useful due to my felony. I'm going to get CEH certified starting next year. I'm in debt to my college and I have restitution to pay. I can't go to school for financial reasons, nor am I sure I really want to. My girlfriend just broke up with me which really hurt. She had made a lot of claims and promises which she didn't keep and it's on my mind very heavy right now. My luck with women is horrible. I'm naturally attracted to the "bad girl" type. The ones with daddy issues who will always fudge you over in the end. I have a so-called "friend" who is the only person I currently know who is angry with me because he thinks I'm not trying to get a job or make anything of myself. He's lived a charmed life, and his personality is the exact opposite of me: He's the "nice guy", the do gooder. He doesn't realize how difficult life can be, even though he hasn't really made anything of himself either.
I've lost hope for the most part. I kinda ran out of reasons to wake up in the morning. Ever since I was a kid I've had fantasies about death which has lead at least one therapist to alert the police about. Suicide or murder play on my mind often, and sometimes it feels like I might explode. I have self control I feel, however, and I don't think I'll act on these impulses any time soon. I don't know. Everything is kind of falling apart right now in my life. I need a break. It's like one bad thing after another. I can handle a lot of crap, but when it's all there at once it gets hard.
In prison I had my first experience with meth. I've experimented with x, acid, weed, etc, but meth was one I always told myself I'd never try. Well, I lied I guess. I don't know what that means, but I guess I liked the high. I don't want to be addicted to anything else right now really, so I'm not pursuing it, especially while on probation, but it was a good high.
Anyway. End rant I guess.
TL;DR
Life sucks then we die