04-24-2012, 07:16 PM
Hi SF,
I think it may be proper to start off by saying this is not even close to a suicidal matter.
1. I am not that selfish.
2. I don't have it in me.
3. Taking the "easy way out" has never been something I've done.
Now before I continue, this will most-likely turn into a very lengthy post.
Secondly, I guess it would be right to fill you in on my situation.
For starters, I'm a 16-year-old boy and am a sophomore in high school. I'm active in sports and in my school community. (I play baseball and am an ambassador for my school to all the grade schools in the area.) I'm, for the most part, really smart. I was offered a scholarship for my first two years of high school and tested in the top 20 of my class at the entrance exams. I don't have any problems with socializing, even though I may seem kind of introverted at first. I have a lot of friends and don't have any "enemies" at my school, though there are people who I don't exactly like. I'm not the most popular guy at my school, nor am I the best looking but I have my group of friends and I like to keep it that way. I feel as though I'm respectful enough and kind enough. I don't go out of my way to make people feel bad or anything.
I consider myself really nerdy in a way, but that isn't really something I feel the need to hide. I've played my fair share of video games and MMO games like a gaming geek and I'll admit it. (My gaming experiences enlightened me about the world when I was 11 in ways nothing else could lol) I also consider myself "nerdy" because I like things that aren't the "norm" for people my age. Drawing, writing, anime/manga, and things of the sort that aren't exactly popular with most my age. I'm kind of a mix of everything: a sporty, jockish, gaming nerd, artsy, smart, friendly 16-year-old guy.
I'm posting here today because lately I've been feeling really out of sorts. I find myself lost in a way. It may be pent up frustration from school, baseball, social life, etc. but I feel as though my problem may lie in something deeper.
Lately, Things have seemed to just go by. Everything is just happening but nothing is really significant. It's almost as though I'm just going through the motions. I just don't care for things I used to be so passionate about and things that used to be important to me. I've noticed myself even blowing my closest friends off for no reason at all. I can't even pinpoint what has me acting strangely but something isn't right.
Baseball used to be my entire life. My life would revolve around it. I loved watching it, playing it, debating it, I just loved the sport. I'm pretty good at it, too. That helps for sure. Last year, I lost virtually my entire baseball season due to a mess stemming from a birth defect causing complications with my kidneys and bladder. This year I came in, virtually unknown as to what I was capable of doing and I was being snubbed from the start until maybe 2 weeks ago. Stress from baseball alone had begun to build since last year and I've noticed it's really not the thrill and enjoyment it used to be. I don't have the same fiery passion for it anymore even though my life revolved around it for so long. It's almost like in a year one of the biggest assets to my life was just drained from me. I want to love baseball like I used to, but I can't. It might sound stupid but it's almost as though I feel baseball robbed me of something.
Another major problem with my current state of mind is my concentration, or the lack there of. It doesn't exist anymore. I try my hardest to concentrate but I just can't seem to direct my mind toward one thing for an extensive period of time. Due to this, my grades have seen a severe decline from all A's and B's to mostly C's and D's. I've suddenly lost the will to work at anything at all. My English class has just recently started a research paper on the Scarlet Letter and I already find myself behind on it, clawing to catch up. I find myself blowing off my Geometry class (not actually ditching class, but not bothering to attempt to pay attention) for no apparent reason. The only classes I've managed to keep steady grades in are Spanish and Chemistry. Spanish is mainly due to the fact that I, for some reason, have an uncanny ability to pick up languages naturally and I can't really say why I'm managing to keep up in Chemistry.
I've also taken to social isolation lately. I feel the need to be alone a lot and I can't explain why. Like I said earlier, I've begun blowing my friends off for reasons unknown to me. I find myself locked away in my room a lot lately, most likely just mindlessly attempting to make progress in writing works I started a while ago or drawing, or watching videos on Youtube. I also find myself very territorial of my room (which, unfortunately, I must share with my younger brother. I've made my case to move to the attic, but to no avail.)
I've also noticed, along with this isolation, that I feel less healthy and feel sick more frequently. I feel weak and fatigued and my sleeping pattern is almost non-existent. I feel sick to my stomach and I get really bad headaches. It's almost as if I'm becoming a hypochondriac, although I don't fear that I'm seriously ill. It's almost like my mind is fabricating my sickly feelings.
And lastly, I find myself extremely critical of myself, physically and mentally. I'm not by any means out of shape but I could be thinner. That's never really bothered me before but lately it's bothered me more lately. I haven't developed any unhealthy dietary habits or anything and I don't plan on it, but this sudden change in perspective is definitely a shot to my self esteem. I get nervous easily all of a sudden. I feel as though people are always judging me, and that's never been an issue to me before. I notice that I've begun to over-think things that really aren't worth over-thinking recently. For instance, I find myself questioning my intelligence, my physical ability in sports, my social skills, and things like that.
Lately, I've been wondering if, by chance, I may have some sort(s) of social or mental disorders that may have gone unnoticed the past 16 years. I know I've felt low before and I've definitely had concentration problems before, but they're becoming more common and more persistent. I've done research on Depression, ADD, ADHD, and mental disorders like those and just want to know if there's a possibility that maybe I'm experiencing these issues due to something similar.
Just want some sort of advice from somebody on my situation. I would deeply appreciate any responses. I would just like an honest opinion from someone because I hate feeling so not-me.
I think it may be proper to start off by saying this is not even close to a suicidal matter.
1. I am not that selfish.
2. I don't have it in me.
3. Taking the "easy way out" has never been something I've done.
Now before I continue, this will most-likely turn into a very lengthy post.
Secondly, I guess it would be right to fill you in on my situation.
For starters, I'm a 16-year-old boy and am a sophomore in high school. I'm active in sports and in my school community. (I play baseball and am an ambassador for my school to all the grade schools in the area.) I'm, for the most part, really smart. I was offered a scholarship for my first two years of high school and tested in the top 20 of my class at the entrance exams. I don't have any problems with socializing, even though I may seem kind of introverted at first. I have a lot of friends and don't have any "enemies" at my school, though there are people who I don't exactly like. I'm not the most popular guy at my school, nor am I the best looking but I have my group of friends and I like to keep it that way. I feel as though I'm respectful enough and kind enough. I don't go out of my way to make people feel bad or anything.
I consider myself really nerdy in a way, but that isn't really something I feel the need to hide. I've played my fair share of video games and MMO games like a gaming geek and I'll admit it. (My gaming experiences enlightened me about the world when I was 11 in ways nothing else could lol) I also consider myself "nerdy" because I like things that aren't the "norm" for people my age. Drawing, writing, anime/manga, and things of the sort that aren't exactly popular with most my age. I'm kind of a mix of everything: a sporty, jockish, gaming nerd, artsy, smart, friendly 16-year-old guy.
I'm posting here today because lately I've been feeling really out of sorts. I find myself lost in a way. It may be pent up frustration from school, baseball, social life, etc. but I feel as though my problem may lie in something deeper.
Lately, Things have seemed to just go by. Everything is just happening but nothing is really significant. It's almost as though I'm just going through the motions. I just don't care for things I used to be so passionate about and things that used to be important to me. I've noticed myself even blowing my closest friends off for no reason at all. I can't even pinpoint what has me acting strangely but something isn't right.
Baseball used to be my entire life. My life would revolve around it. I loved watching it, playing it, debating it, I just loved the sport. I'm pretty good at it, too. That helps for sure. Last year, I lost virtually my entire baseball season due to a mess stemming from a birth defect causing complications with my kidneys and bladder. This year I came in, virtually unknown as to what I was capable of doing and I was being snubbed from the start until maybe 2 weeks ago. Stress from baseball alone had begun to build since last year and I've noticed it's really not the thrill and enjoyment it used to be. I don't have the same fiery passion for it anymore even though my life revolved around it for so long. It's almost like in a year one of the biggest assets to my life was just drained from me. I want to love baseball like I used to, but I can't. It might sound stupid but it's almost as though I feel baseball robbed me of something.
Another major problem with my current state of mind is my concentration, or the lack there of. It doesn't exist anymore. I try my hardest to concentrate but I just can't seem to direct my mind toward one thing for an extensive period of time. Due to this, my grades have seen a severe decline from all A's and B's to mostly C's and D's. I've suddenly lost the will to work at anything at all. My English class has just recently started a research paper on the Scarlet Letter and I already find myself behind on it, clawing to catch up. I find myself blowing off my Geometry class (not actually ditching class, but not bothering to attempt to pay attention) for no apparent reason. The only classes I've managed to keep steady grades in are Spanish and Chemistry. Spanish is mainly due to the fact that I, for some reason, have an uncanny ability to pick up languages naturally and I can't really say why I'm managing to keep up in Chemistry.
I've also taken to social isolation lately. I feel the need to be alone a lot and I can't explain why. Like I said earlier, I've begun blowing my friends off for reasons unknown to me. I find myself locked away in my room a lot lately, most likely just mindlessly attempting to make progress in writing works I started a while ago or drawing, or watching videos on Youtube. I also find myself very territorial of my room (which, unfortunately, I must share with my younger brother. I've made my case to move to the attic, but to no avail.)
I've also noticed, along with this isolation, that I feel less healthy and feel sick more frequently. I feel weak and fatigued and my sleeping pattern is almost non-existent. I feel sick to my stomach and I get really bad headaches. It's almost as if I'm becoming a hypochondriac, although I don't fear that I'm seriously ill. It's almost like my mind is fabricating my sickly feelings.
And lastly, I find myself extremely critical of myself, physically and mentally. I'm not by any means out of shape but I could be thinner. That's never really bothered me before but lately it's bothered me more lately. I haven't developed any unhealthy dietary habits or anything and I don't plan on it, but this sudden change in perspective is definitely a shot to my self esteem. I get nervous easily all of a sudden. I feel as though people are always judging me, and that's never been an issue to me before. I notice that I've begun to over-think things that really aren't worth over-thinking recently. For instance, I find myself questioning my intelligence, my physical ability in sports, my social skills, and things like that.
Lately, I've been wondering if, by chance, I may have some sort(s) of social or mental disorders that may have gone unnoticed the past 16 years. I know I've felt low before and I've definitely had concentration problems before, but they're becoming more common and more persistent. I've done research on Depression, ADD, ADHD, and mental disorders like those and just want to know if there's a possibility that maybe I'm experiencing these issues due to something similar.
Just want some sort of advice from somebody on my situation. I would deeply appreciate any responses. I would just like an honest opinion from someone because I hate feeling so not-me.