I think I spend at least half of my nights lucid dreaming, I never get tired of it. I don't seem to have nightmares, and when I do I find them very amusing. I love experiencing hypnagogic hallucinations and sleep paralysis. Parts of my dream world are consistent, and others ever-changing. I love the world my mind creates every night. I feel relieved waking up in the middle of the night, because I know I have more time to sleep. It wasn't always like this. I have a really long history with lucid dreaming and hallucinations, but if I were to go that in-depth this post would end up being a novel or something
Long story short, I used to have hypnagogic hallucinations and sleep paralysis every night when I was young (4-10, I think). I pretty much had a phobia of sleeping. I used to believe in prayer, because of my Christian parents, so one night I prayed asking to stop dreaming. Well, turns out the placebo effect is pretty awesome, because the hallucinations stopped from there on out for the next 3 years. Then one night I had my first lucid dream, and did some investigating. I was sucked into the world of WILDs and DILDs and everything in between. I became better and better at lucid dreaming, and somehow parts of my dream world have become consistent (architecture, people, holidays even). I love living in the dream world. It's fun, and horrifying at times, but either way it's exciting.
But in the day, everything is drab. Living feels so dull and dead and repetitive and stressful. It's almost always so boring, save for when I'm doing graphics. Every now and then there are things I find I can appreciate. Last night I watched The Secret World of Arrietty with my girlfriend, and we were both quite happy. Then I was depressed, because the immersion was gone and I was back in the real world. I had to worry about whether I did my AP Physics homework for the weekend, and wonder when I should study for my AP US Gov test on Wednesday.
I get very depressed at night for reasons like this, and the only way to pick myself back up is by sleeping and dreaming. In the morning I might be groggy, but I'm usually functional until the afternoon. I used to play a lot of video games, but I've started restricting myself to a couple of hours a week, so that I could be more productive and practice making graphics more. I used to meditate to relax, but it's difficult finding time to do that in public school and at home. And now that I'm 18 and moving out soon, I have a growing pile of worries and problems. People keep asking me to plan things for the long term, I'm simply not that kind of person. I can plan ahead for maybe a year max, and I'm horrified when I hear my friends who have plans for when they're 27. To me that's a thousand years from now.
I love dreaming. I'm depressed when I'm not dreaming. Sometimes I wish I could dream and never wake up. I'm not suicidal or anything dangerous like that; I don't think I believe in an afterlife like that or anything. It just makes me sad how boring real life is compared to the adventures that exist in my own mind at night. And when I take a hard look at what I think consciousness is, to me there isn't much difference from being awake and being asleep. It's all stimuli and perception, and etc. Fundamentally either one could be reality, I think. Being asleep is just as important, but being awake is ten times more awful. The only things that make it worth it are my girlfriend, my graphics, and whatever art and media other people make to immerse me in their world.
I decided to post this here, since nobody I know seems to browse the Emotional Support section on SupportForums. I don't really want people to know I have this addiction to dreaming. You know how schools and parents and people are when someone is depressed. Always getting concerned over the most minute trivial things, offering counseling and maybe even medications. I don't want any of that. I think I want people to leave me alone, but then I'm not sure why I would post this if that was the case. I don't know what I'm looking for. I just feel like I had to put this info down somewhere. I got used to blogging my dreams for a while under the title "Adventures in the Hyperspace" on another community. I'm used to just putting info out there, and I need this info out there. Maybe there's people who can relate.
I'm going to stop ranting. I'll be going to bed soon anyways.
Long story short, I used to have hypnagogic hallucinations and sleep paralysis every night when I was young (4-10, I think). I pretty much had a phobia of sleeping. I used to believe in prayer, because of my Christian parents, so one night I prayed asking to stop dreaming. Well, turns out the placebo effect is pretty awesome, because the hallucinations stopped from there on out for the next 3 years. Then one night I had my first lucid dream, and did some investigating. I was sucked into the world of WILDs and DILDs and everything in between. I became better and better at lucid dreaming, and somehow parts of my dream world have become consistent (architecture, people, holidays even). I love living in the dream world. It's fun, and horrifying at times, but either way it's exciting.
But in the day, everything is drab. Living feels so dull and dead and repetitive and stressful. It's almost always so boring, save for when I'm doing graphics. Every now and then there are things I find I can appreciate. Last night I watched The Secret World of Arrietty with my girlfriend, and we were both quite happy. Then I was depressed, because the immersion was gone and I was back in the real world. I had to worry about whether I did my AP Physics homework for the weekend, and wonder when I should study for my AP US Gov test on Wednesday.
I get very depressed at night for reasons like this, and the only way to pick myself back up is by sleeping and dreaming. In the morning I might be groggy, but I'm usually functional until the afternoon. I used to play a lot of video games, but I've started restricting myself to a couple of hours a week, so that I could be more productive and practice making graphics more. I used to meditate to relax, but it's difficult finding time to do that in public school and at home. And now that I'm 18 and moving out soon, I have a growing pile of worries and problems. People keep asking me to plan things for the long term, I'm simply not that kind of person. I can plan ahead for maybe a year max, and I'm horrified when I hear my friends who have plans for when they're 27. To me that's a thousand years from now.
I love dreaming. I'm depressed when I'm not dreaming. Sometimes I wish I could dream and never wake up. I'm not suicidal or anything dangerous like that; I don't think I believe in an afterlife like that or anything. It just makes me sad how boring real life is compared to the adventures that exist in my own mind at night. And when I take a hard look at what I think consciousness is, to me there isn't much difference from being awake and being asleep. It's all stimuli and perception, and etc. Fundamentally either one could be reality, I think. Being asleep is just as important, but being awake is ten times more awful. The only things that make it worth it are my girlfriend, my graphics, and whatever art and media other people make to immerse me in their world.
I decided to post this here, since nobody I know seems to browse the Emotional Support section on SupportForums. I don't really want people to know I have this addiction to dreaming. You know how schools and parents and people are when someone is depressed. Always getting concerned over the most minute trivial things, offering counseling and maybe even medications. I don't want any of that. I think I want people to leave me alone, but then I'm not sure why I would post this if that was the case. I don't know what I'm looking for. I just feel like I had to put this info down somewhere. I got used to blogging my dreams for a while under the title "Adventures in the Hyperspace" on another community. I'm used to just putting info out there, and I need this info out there. Maybe there's people who can relate.
I'm going to stop ranting. I'll be going to bed soon anyways.
![[Image: 3djdbar2notglowing.png]](http://img175.imageshack.us/img175/9645/3djdbar2notglowing.png)