12-15-2011, 12:51 PM
(12-14-2011, 11:57 PM)Cykn Wrote: I've never had friends. At all. Never anyone to count on or trust. And when I think about what it would be to be happy, I mainly think of having friends. When I think of what I wanted out of life, too. Throughout my entire life, I didn't talk to people. People didn't talk to me, except if they felt like calling me a whore. My mother made my suicide attempt about her. She said I was trying to manipulate her. I heard her tell someone it made her afraid I was going to hurt her. Like suicidal and homicidal are the same. I don't feel like I'm ever going to be able to feel like anyone else does, because I don't think or act like anyone else does. I wish I'd had friends in school. I wish I would have gone to parties instead of getting drugged up and felt up at the pool across from the school. I wish I could have had fun in the summer while school was out. I wish I could have had careless fun. And now people my age are changing and moving on without me. Getting jobs and getting broken hearts. Babies, even. They are real people. People that grow up and change. The time to do the things I wanted to do is ending. So I've given up on having hopes. I feel better giving up. A numbness, really. Not like before, when I had expectations. There was another life that I should have had, but I'm having this one. So this... giving up? Is this acceptance?
I wouldn't worry about the past, you can still go to parties and crap now. You can also do some drugs, fudge it. It makes everything x10 better. Just don't do anything really bad like crystal meth or something like that. Because that is bad lol. Also, if you are scared to go to parties just think of two things, for one, If everyone is drinking, everyone will be so drunk, they won't even know who you are and if they do know who you are, then they will be nice because they are drunk and don't care. If someone is mean when they are drunk, you can just laugh at them because they are drunk and will most likely act stupid. If that doesn't work, just bring some weed and everyone will love you. <3