Life seems to be crumbling away.

[Bleeding.From.The.Heart.96]

To be honest, it seems like you are depressed. I was like this once, and it can be a horrible thing. I know finding the motivation to pass school can be hard to find sometimes, but it is worth it. Most jobs require a High School Deploma. Not only that, but education can also lead to happiness. I suggest you to bury your head in the books, forget about that girl, and maybe go hang out with your friends a few times a month. It can't hurt to be happy, right? Do what you want to do, what ever makes you happy. I am sorry you feel this way my friend. If you ever need someone to talk to, send me a PM. I will respond, I will be kind and courteous, and our conversation will remain confidental.

Here is just something to help you pick you head up, and to see that others have it worse, and they keep trying to move foward. I really hope you read my thread.
http://www.supportforums.net/showthread.php?tid=23571

Thanks a lot for the post. I know i gotta keep moving on in life and that my education is important and everything. I get it. The will to do things is just gone. Same goes for doing what makes me happy. There's just something about my personality that prevents me from doing things I want to do because of caring about what others think of me. I get it that I should live my life to the fullest. I understand I shouldn't let opinion stand in my way. My peers effect my mentality in the most negative way possible whether they intend to or not.

I kind of look at my scenario and think "what the hell happened to me." It's almost like I'm not one in body and mind. I feel like I'm living my life physically but mentally, I'm just watching through an omniscient point of view.

It's the kind of feeling I can't really explain in words over the internet. I just feel like my life is falling into a bottomless pit. No matter how much I convince myself I'm going to change it, I can't pull through on that promise. I lack the will to because I lack the reason to have a will to move on. I lack the image of a good future. I lack the things that are meant to inspire and drive people to succeed in life. I can't see myself 10-15 years from now. I can't see myself living the kind of life I want to live.

It's monotonous. It's repetitive. It just keeps going on. That's what i think of when i think about my life. The same things over and over. I don't have the kinds of friends that are close enough to me to inspire me. The one person I ever talk to about anything like this is that girl I like. We talk to each other about everything. We understand each other. We're there for each other. Other than her, my other friends are completely shut out from my feelings, my thoughts, and my emotions.

I'm there with my friends; laughing and talking with them, but that isn't me. I live my life under a completely different expression than what I feel.

Things have gotten stressful since April and the stress just seems to build and build. I regret not putting 100% into doing everything I could to make up in school. I hate myself for not pursuing things that meant something to me. I can't stand how things always turn for the worst.

My father is a really serious, really strict, easily angered man. I butt heads with him a lot. Things come out like "I was just another mistake you wish you never made." or "I swear to God I'll throw your ass out as soon as you turn 16." or "I'll kick your ass so bad..." or even "I'll put a fuckin' bullet in your head, you smartmouthed piece of...(need I finish it?)
He claims I mean the world to him. He claims that everything he does is for the good of me, my brother, and my sister. I fail to see it. He expects me to be some kind of Harvard grad that I am not. He expects me to reach levels on the baseball field that just put toll and stress on me. He keeps me from doing things I love because it may be an inconvenience to him, or is something that he doesn't see as socially acceptable. (ex. I wanted to play hockey but Pops said its too expensive and I would never be any good at it. I want to learn the guitar, but Dad says "For what? Musicians never amount to anything.")

I grew up attempting to please my father in every way possible but I've grown so sick of it the past three years that it just turns into arguing and less-then-pleasant confrontations.

I always wanted to become a writer. I like the idea of carving a story for a reader and letting them fill in the details in the innards of their mind. My peers shoot things like that down right away because showing artistic ability surely means that you're going to forget about success in life.

Basically, you probably think I'm just too concerned with my image.You're probably right.

I read your thread and I have to say that you definitely have had a God awful time in the past few months as well. While I can't say I've dealt with suspension, I've dealt with fights and crap. I almost wish my parents would divorce sometimes because I look at them and think about how awful it must be, being bind to each other, constantly fighting because they don't want to upset their children. It takes an emotional toll on me.

I've logged enough hospital time recently to last a lifetime. I've seen family die right in front of me before. I've dealt with people I despise beyond perception. I've dealt with losing a girl because of people like that. I haven't started driving yet. I get my permit shortly after X-mas. I played on my school's football team as the starting safety freshman year, but missed this year due to my hospital issues. My coaches were bummed and I tore my hair out as my team went on to a winless season. I've never been mugged, jumped, ect. so I don't have experience with that.

This post is getting way out of hand in terms of length so on a sort of positive note, I just want to say your story is incredible. Being able to stay so positive after all of that is unbelievable. I want to make the kind of recovery from depression that you made and it may be the kind of inspiration that will fuel change. I can only thank you for everything I've learned from reading your story and hope I can make changes similar to yours in my own life.