11-19-2011, 06:31 PM
Well, let's start with the basics...
I'm almost 18, I never had a girlfriend. I have 2-3 good friends with who I drink most of the time and listen to rap music. In the school, I have maybe one friend who is a girl and we go to cafe-bar after school most of the time. She's my only female friend. I like her but she has a boyfriend. I get a feeling that other people keep ignoring me. I know I get sometimes annoying and everything but that's only because I don't know how to act around another people. When I'm out with my friends and they're with some girls, those girls don't even notice me. When they're introducing to another girls, they ask everyone what's their name except me. I'm crosseyed, which really sucks most of the time, because it ruins my self-confidence. At home I live in a dis-functional family. Everyone keeps fighting and yelling at eachother. My father suffers from PTSD which he got from the war that was fought in my country almost 20 years ago. So I can't really rely on him at all. We're broke most of the time. At school I can barely get enough money to buy myself a pack of cigarettes or a sandwich. That brings me to another problem, I don't like smoking but I smoke a lot everyday. It helps me to cope with all the sh*t I've been through. Other people think I'm stupid, when in reality, I'm above-average smart. I mean, I need 20-30 minutes to learn something and get an A whilst others learn for hours for a D or C.I suffer from depression, which isn't diagnosed because I feel weird coming to the doctors office and telling that. Also, I don't want them to put me of Prozac or Xanax to deal with it. Let's face it, that's all they do most of the time. I can see what the pills did to my dad, I don't want to end up like that. I lost interest in a lot of things in life. Other's seem so happy, while I feel like a damn ghost, wandering on this world. This summer I fell in love to a girl. I really like her, we had a lot of in common. But she kept ignoring me after time. I still see her at school, and it hurts me so bad when I see her. Only things that are keeping me on this world are alcohol and cigarettes. I know it's bad and it'll kill me. But better that then cutting your wrists, isn't it? My life is just a general mess. My childhood was, mildly said, *****d up. I've been on a gunpoint couple of times, I've seen my dad hitting my mother most of the time. Most of my family were an alcoholic (grandparents and such). I just wish to be normal for a bit, to blend in, not to stick out. I want to be loved by someone, to have a girlfriend, to kiss one. To feel important on this world. If there weren't for the weekends and school, I would have killed myself a while ago. Sometimes I feel it would be the best to steal my dads pill and just OD myself and die...
I'm almost 18, I never had a girlfriend. I have 2-3 good friends with who I drink most of the time and listen to rap music. In the school, I have maybe one friend who is a girl and we go to cafe-bar after school most of the time. She's my only female friend. I like her but she has a boyfriend. I get a feeling that other people keep ignoring me. I know I get sometimes annoying and everything but that's only because I don't know how to act around another people. When I'm out with my friends and they're with some girls, those girls don't even notice me. When they're introducing to another girls, they ask everyone what's their name except me. I'm crosseyed, which really sucks most of the time, because it ruins my self-confidence. At home I live in a dis-functional family. Everyone keeps fighting and yelling at eachother. My father suffers from PTSD which he got from the war that was fought in my country almost 20 years ago. So I can't really rely on him at all. We're broke most of the time. At school I can barely get enough money to buy myself a pack of cigarettes or a sandwich. That brings me to another problem, I don't like smoking but I smoke a lot everyday. It helps me to cope with all the sh*t I've been through. Other people think I'm stupid, when in reality, I'm above-average smart. I mean, I need 20-30 minutes to learn something and get an A whilst others learn for hours for a D or C.I suffer from depression, which isn't diagnosed because I feel weird coming to the doctors office and telling that. Also, I don't want them to put me of Prozac or Xanax to deal with it. Let's face it, that's all they do most of the time. I can see what the pills did to my dad, I don't want to end up like that. I lost interest in a lot of things in life. Other's seem so happy, while I feel like a damn ghost, wandering on this world. This summer I fell in love to a girl. I really like her, we had a lot of in common. But she kept ignoring me after time. I still see her at school, and it hurts me so bad when I see her. Only things that are keeping me on this world are alcohol and cigarettes. I know it's bad and it'll kill me. But better that then cutting your wrists, isn't it? My life is just a general mess. My childhood was, mildly said, *****d up. I've been on a gunpoint couple of times, I've seen my dad hitting my mother most of the time. Most of my family were an alcoholic (grandparents and such). I just wish to be normal for a bit, to blend in, not to stick out. I want to be loved by someone, to have a girlfriend, to kiss one. To feel important on this world. If there weren't for the weekends and school, I would have killed myself a while ago. Sometimes I feel it would be the best to steal my dads pill and just OD myself and die...