09-27-2011, 04:05 PM
and really i just need to tell someone
(this is all the factors imo that i think have contruibuted)
Basically i've just stared Universty (i don't think this is a contributing factor) which is fun i'm "happy" being away from my parents. So i've just had freshers week got smashed and ended up texting a girl that i love her (i've had like a crush on her for ages), come next morning i get a text saying did you have a party last night, continue on yeah sorry, have a short convo with her and just before she goes i say that i ment it. she asked how can i when i hardly know her, i replied that i knew you very well we used to stay up till like 2 chatting during my exam period about things we like what we do and just having a laugh. She says we'll go back to that when she gets better (she seems to tire really easilly) and that she feels she can come to me with anything. Not talked for a week i've tried to start convos but fudge all happens.
Now a few days a go for some reason i got thinking about my life, not really what i've left behind but more everything i've missed. my ability to interact socially is piss poor (i used to love solitured so i never really learnt how to interact, i'm getting tired of solitured now) as you would expect this has ment i have no friends in university, Heck if i wasn't thrown together in a house with some people i would have a total of 0 friends. My sex life is, to be blunt, "hello right hand" and nothing more. I havn't had a meaningful relationship, the last relationship i was in was me just thinking why did i do this (i had acceptance issus back then, still do really)
I though to my self
I'm a clever and very visual person but what use is being clever if i can't interact with society get myself out there.
at this point i started to just sit there on my bed as the walls effectivly spread out to cover a vast area so i was basically just feeling along and cried thinking about how crap everything is I can't interact with society, I can't find someone who loves me, I don't have a clue whats going do with formentioned person as i can't talk to her because she wont answer.
scarily, i'm not going to lie, thoughs of suicide have crossed my mind however they get shot down quickly i still have the sence to dismiss them thinking along the lines of "what would my family do if i just left?"
I know there is no really question or anything there, but i just needed to tell someone, and get it out there.
(this is all the factors imo that i think have contruibuted)
Basically i've just stared Universty (i don't think this is a contributing factor) which is fun i'm "happy" being away from my parents. So i've just had freshers week got smashed and ended up texting a girl that i love her (i've had like a crush on her for ages), come next morning i get a text saying did you have a party last night, continue on yeah sorry, have a short convo with her and just before she goes i say that i ment it. she asked how can i when i hardly know her, i replied that i knew you very well we used to stay up till like 2 chatting during my exam period about things we like what we do and just having a laugh. She says we'll go back to that when she gets better (she seems to tire really easilly) and that she feels she can come to me with anything. Not talked for a week i've tried to start convos but fudge all happens.
Now a few days a go for some reason i got thinking about my life, not really what i've left behind but more everything i've missed. my ability to interact socially is piss poor (i used to love solitured so i never really learnt how to interact, i'm getting tired of solitured now) as you would expect this has ment i have no friends in university, Heck if i wasn't thrown together in a house with some people i would have a total of 0 friends. My sex life is, to be blunt, "hello right hand" and nothing more. I havn't had a meaningful relationship, the last relationship i was in was me just thinking why did i do this (i had acceptance issus back then, still do really)
I though to my self
I'm a clever and very visual person but what use is being clever if i can't interact with society get myself out there.
at this point i started to just sit there on my bed as the walls effectivly spread out to cover a vast area so i was basically just feeling along and cried thinking about how crap everything is I can't interact with society, I can't find someone who loves me, I don't have a clue whats going do with formentioned person as i can't talk to her because she wont answer.
scarily, i'm not going to lie, thoughs of suicide have crossed my mind however they get shot down quickly i still have the sence to dismiss them thinking along the lines of "what would my family do if i just left?"
I know there is no really question or anything there, but i just needed to tell someone, and get it out there.