06-14-2011, 11:12 PM
Hello,
I have been struggling with something for a while and I would appreciate some feedback.
I have been in a relationship with a loving and caring guy. I know he loves me a lot and would never do anything to hurt me. And I don't want to hurt him. BUT: there are a couple of things that bother me and I don't know exactly how to deal with them. FIrst of all, he doesn't realize it, but he acts a bit effeminate (and he's NOT gay). I mean not so much the way he looks, as the way he behaves. He's squeamish when it comes to things like small spots on food that can easily be removed but just don't "look right" to him, he has to clean the bathroom before he goes to the toilet and he won't go if it's not clean enough... OK, not too bad so far. But when we go out, he acts like a pushover. Often it is me who has to ask a waiter to bring something that is missing - it's as if he thought it was not right to bother them. Lets say we go to a concert - he will take his place behind all the people even if he can't really see and sort of resign to the situation, rather than try make his way ahead or find a better spot. This kind of thing really drives me crazy. I am all for living by some rules, but when we're walking down the street he won't even cross on the red when there's nothing coming and it's late at night. He follows ALL the "rules", because the instructions said so, or because "that's how it's done", and I for one think sometimes you have to improvise or at least put your own touch into something.
No it's not all. He wants to go out and do things together, but he never makes a plan. Sometimes we talk about some options of what to do together, but when the day comes, he doesn't take any initiative. He doesn't make a reservation at the restaurant, doesn't call to ask if he needs to book tickets to a performance, he simply seems to think it will all be there and available when we get there. And most of thetime it doesn't work so flawlessly. This irritates me the most. He says he isn't able to plan anything ahead because his brain is wired to think last minute. But I simply can't deal with that. It ends up being me always asking "have you called?" and making the decision about what to do, even when I have told him many times sometimes I'd like it if he took the initiative and just made a plan and told me "today we're doing this" - I would like a surprise like that. But he's afraid that if he plans something I may not like it. And I am getting tired of this because I'm not his mother, and I want to see he has a brain he can use on his own. We've had this talk several times. The last one was not so long ago when nothing went as expected (again there was no reservation, no planning ahead, no alternatives thought out), and I told him it would have been a funny situation if it hadn't happened so many times before. And when I look annoyed, because I can't help it - most of the time I try to seem cool - it's ok we'll handle it - but this time it was too much and I didn't want to say "it's OK" anymore. So when he sees I'm displeased, he just stands there looking sheepish like a little boy who's about to cry because he's ashamed of what he did and afraid of his mother's wrath. And THAT makes me feel the worst of all. FIrstly, I'm NOT his mother. Secondly, he's not dealing with the situation, he's not confronting it in ANY way, just standing there quietly, not looking for solutions, not talking to me, just expecting ME to make decisions again. Expecting me to tell him what to do or yell at him. And I did neither, and it took a long while and he still didn't do anything except stand beside me. So I got tired of it and I talked. I shouldn't have said anything but I simply don't know how to handle this. I told him (calmly) how I didn't want him to just stand there and feel sorry for what can't be changed and instead to look for some solutions. After that, he felt a bit better and I pretended to feel better too, but inside, I felt and still feel confused. Here's this loving and loyal and good person, who's given me a lot of support by just being there, and yet has not been able to support me in a way that made me feel I could entrust him with a complete project. When I'm down he's upset and he wants to help me, and he comes and sits beside me or holds me or lies down beside me. But he doesn't say anything and he doesn't do anything. He's just there. I know that is important, but I've even told him that at those times, I need someone to sort of make decisions for me, like take me by the hand and say, today we're doing this. Or, Just plan a surprise outing. When I'm feeling down I want to stay in bed but I WISH that he would instead of sitting there helplessly and looking miserable, rather take my hand and say "come on, we're going" and I don't even have to know where, just get out of the house, or have some change. Yes, I have told him this. And yet, he's never made a change.
And then here's the last thing. This is a bit girly and I know I'm not the only one. He has done a lot for me - in way of treating me to dinner, paying for groceries when I needed to save my money, treating me every time we go out. But here's the thing - he never thinks of bringing a gift - and I don't mean anything at all expensive. I mean - flowers. I have told him several times I liked flowers, and it made me happy when I got them. He got them for me once, and that was specifically after I had asked for flowers for my birthday, because I couldn't stand not getting them. It would be so nice if he thought of it himself at least once. Or perhaps even something cheap and small like a keychain. Again, I got it once - for my birthday. He likes to give gifts that aren't material, such as a movie ticket, for birthdays and holidays. But I am always disappointed to get no little trinket to go with it - as a souvenir at least. Once I got him a framed picture of us. He hasn't even thought of doing something similar - and it's not expensive at all.
I had to write this all down because it bothers me and I don't know exactly what to do. I don't want to pretend to be OK about all those things anymore. I want him to be a man and stand up for himself and for me if need be and to be able to fend for himself in the world and not be a pushover. He doesn't respond to hints, nor to any of our previous talks. What to do? I don't even know if this makes sense to those of you out there. But thanks for reading anyway, and hope there will be some response. Oh, I just want to add that we are both adults, close to a decade past college age. Thank you.
I have been struggling with something for a while and I would appreciate some feedback.
I have been in a relationship with a loving and caring guy. I know he loves me a lot and would never do anything to hurt me. And I don't want to hurt him. BUT: there are a couple of things that bother me and I don't know exactly how to deal with them. FIrst of all, he doesn't realize it, but he acts a bit effeminate (and he's NOT gay). I mean not so much the way he looks, as the way he behaves. He's squeamish when it comes to things like small spots on food that can easily be removed but just don't "look right" to him, he has to clean the bathroom before he goes to the toilet and he won't go if it's not clean enough... OK, not too bad so far. But when we go out, he acts like a pushover. Often it is me who has to ask a waiter to bring something that is missing - it's as if he thought it was not right to bother them. Lets say we go to a concert - he will take his place behind all the people even if he can't really see and sort of resign to the situation, rather than try make his way ahead or find a better spot. This kind of thing really drives me crazy. I am all for living by some rules, but when we're walking down the street he won't even cross on the red when there's nothing coming and it's late at night. He follows ALL the "rules", because the instructions said so, or because "that's how it's done", and I for one think sometimes you have to improvise or at least put your own touch into something.
No it's not all. He wants to go out and do things together, but he never makes a plan. Sometimes we talk about some options of what to do together, but when the day comes, he doesn't take any initiative. He doesn't make a reservation at the restaurant, doesn't call to ask if he needs to book tickets to a performance, he simply seems to think it will all be there and available when we get there. And most of thetime it doesn't work so flawlessly. This irritates me the most. He says he isn't able to plan anything ahead because his brain is wired to think last minute. But I simply can't deal with that. It ends up being me always asking "have you called?" and making the decision about what to do, even when I have told him many times sometimes I'd like it if he took the initiative and just made a plan and told me "today we're doing this" - I would like a surprise like that. But he's afraid that if he plans something I may not like it. And I am getting tired of this because I'm not his mother, and I want to see he has a brain he can use on his own. We've had this talk several times. The last one was not so long ago when nothing went as expected (again there was no reservation, no planning ahead, no alternatives thought out), and I told him it would have been a funny situation if it hadn't happened so many times before. And when I look annoyed, because I can't help it - most of the time I try to seem cool - it's ok we'll handle it - but this time it was too much and I didn't want to say "it's OK" anymore. So when he sees I'm displeased, he just stands there looking sheepish like a little boy who's about to cry because he's ashamed of what he did and afraid of his mother's wrath. And THAT makes me feel the worst of all. FIrstly, I'm NOT his mother. Secondly, he's not dealing with the situation, he's not confronting it in ANY way, just standing there quietly, not looking for solutions, not talking to me, just expecting ME to make decisions again. Expecting me to tell him what to do or yell at him. And I did neither, and it took a long while and he still didn't do anything except stand beside me. So I got tired of it and I talked. I shouldn't have said anything but I simply don't know how to handle this. I told him (calmly) how I didn't want him to just stand there and feel sorry for what can't be changed and instead to look for some solutions. After that, he felt a bit better and I pretended to feel better too, but inside, I felt and still feel confused. Here's this loving and loyal and good person, who's given me a lot of support by just being there, and yet has not been able to support me in a way that made me feel I could entrust him with a complete project. When I'm down he's upset and he wants to help me, and he comes and sits beside me or holds me or lies down beside me. But he doesn't say anything and he doesn't do anything. He's just there. I know that is important, but I've even told him that at those times, I need someone to sort of make decisions for me, like take me by the hand and say, today we're doing this. Or, Just plan a surprise outing. When I'm feeling down I want to stay in bed but I WISH that he would instead of sitting there helplessly and looking miserable, rather take my hand and say "come on, we're going" and I don't even have to know where, just get out of the house, or have some change. Yes, I have told him this. And yet, he's never made a change.
And then here's the last thing. This is a bit girly and I know I'm not the only one. He has done a lot for me - in way of treating me to dinner, paying for groceries when I needed to save my money, treating me every time we go out. But here's the thing - he never thinks of bringing a gift - and I don't mean anything at all expensive. I mean - flowers. I have told him several times I liked flowers, and it made me happy when I got them. He got them for me once, and that was specifically after I had asked for flowers for my birthday, because I couldn't stand not getting them. It would be so nice if he thought of it himself at least once. Or perhaps even something cheap and small like a keychain. Again, I got it once - for my birthday. He likes to give gifts that aren't material, such as a movie ticket, for birthdays and holidays. But I am always disappointed to get no little trinket to go with it - as a souvenir at least. Once I got him a framed picture of us. He hasn't even thought of doing something similar - and it's not expensive at all.
I had to write this all down because it bothers me and I don't know exactly what to do. I don't want to pretend to be OK about all those things anymore. I want him to be a man and stand up for himself and for me if need be and to be able to fend for himself in the world and not be a pushover. He doesn't respond to hints, nor to any of our previous talks. What to do? I don't even know if this makes sense to those of you out there. But thanks for reading anyway, and hope there will be some response. Oh, I just want to add that we are both adults, close to a decade past college age. Thank you.