So Messed Up

[Steezman]

Hi everyone, this is my first post and I registered today. I have recently gone through a lot of bad crap lately and no one really understands me. So I am a freshman at college right now and I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for 2.5 years since high school and ended up breaking up with her first semester to figure out my life. I love this girl so much you have no idea, we are so much alike and words just can't explain it. Anyway she broke up with me second semester for the reason that "our relationship was screwed up and I broke her heart" and she did it over the phone while I was at school. This literally killed me, I have talked to so many people, tried so much but nothing really worked. I came home on weekend and we talked about things, and said we would take a month of to figure out what we want and try to work on our problems and then see what we wanted to do on from there. In the mean time though I have picked up smoking and just gotten drunk because I cant deal with the pain. Im not really happy, I never was unless I was with her. I know people say there are other girls out there but I am different, I am not your regular guy that just starts dating other people. All I am saying is that I know I have made bad choices but it is my only way of coping with the pain, the stress, and frustration. I am doing really good at my school and have a 3.85GPA and am ranked in the top 10% of my grad. class. I have a bad feeling that I will really get into smoking, and just end up never being happy. I hang out with friends but I feel very lonely, I am sad, and think about suicide. I know I won't do it but i just think about it.