03-07-2011, 05:03 PM
Seems pretty good for a start. The biggest thing is grammar - it does actually take a bit away from the reading (using too many semicolons, commas, etc.).
How about making the ending a bit more foreshadowing by having "This is where the story starts," be its own sentence? Other than that, I'm intrigued!
How about making the ending a bit more foreshadowing by having "This is where the story starts," be its own sentence? Other than that, I'm intrigued!
Want to discuss Google's new Nexus 7 tablet?
Want to try and win Google Play credits and Nexus 7 cases?
Nexus 7 Forums
Want to try and win Google Play credits and Nexus 7 cases?
Nexus 7 Forums