01-24-2011, 12:33 AM
I have this secret, you see. I've had it close for many year now, and I only... half-talk about it when I mention it at all. You might know the effect, but you don't know the cause. I can do fudged up things to myself without causing mutilation or physical harm. I can do things to myself that might seem stupid, but really, I think I just deserve it. I force my eyes open each night. It's not out of fear; it's not out of anger. It's not because I have a mental condition that keeps me up. I think sometimes that I'm worse than I actually am. I have to tell myself later that it isn't true; that I'm passable as a nice person. But then I think; I do this a lot. Whenever I'm on my laptop playing games or listening to my music or I'm not talking. I think. And I think...My Mother told me when I was very young: "Good boys get good things, and bad boys get bad things." So I tried to be a good boy…at first for the reward, then to avoid the bad things. Who thinks like that? Me. Later, I questioned god. And I questioned my parents. For someone like me, for someone who wanted to do things or know about things, I was given a religion which closed off experience, and parents which closed off activity. Did I do something wrong? What deserves this punishment?
These days I question why I'm alone. I look once. I don't put myself out there. I am not good enough for someone. I am not enough for anyone. I'm a burden to those around me. So I try not to borrow anymore. I do my best to give what little I have or earn. Then I look closer. I look at people on TV or around me. People, who are good to their partners, people who can be there. I don't be-grudge them. They're good people. Then there are people who are with others, but are not good to their partners. They aren't good enough to be with them, or they aren't enough for them. I think they're like me. But they're not, because they're with someone. I'm beneath those who are bad to others. So I am left alone, by others or maybe by choice. The world itself hates me, it is how I feel, and I don’t question it. Why should I question it? It's my fault anyways. Every night I think of these things. Every night I think that I deserve the way I feel. I've been a bad person, so I deserve bad things. This is what I refer to my 'Insomnia'. This was how I hide my inability to sleep, so that I didn't worry others.
Now that you read this, you’ll see the real me, not the person you knew, the one who was all smiles, mostly happy, didn’t ask much and often a helpful hand. It may change everything you thought, or it may change nothing. I feel like it is finally time I let it all out, that it’s time I let everyone know my thoughts. I don’t care who reads this, I don’t care if anyone comments, I don’t care if you ignore this. I don’t want your sympathy. I don’t want encouragement, I don’t want comfort. I don’t deserve it. The funny thing about writing all of this is that tomorrow, I’ll be thinking the same thoughts, and not a damn thing will have changed.
These days I question why I'm alone. I look once. I don't put myself out there. I am not good enough for someone. I am not enough for anyone. I'm a burden to those around me. So I try not to borrow anymore. I do my best to give what little I have or earn. Then I look closer. I look at people on TV or around me. People, who are good to their partners, people who can be there. I don't be-grudge them. They're good people. Then there are people who are with others, but are not good to their partners. They aren't good enough to be with them, or they aren't enough for them. I think they're like me. But they're not, because they're with someone. I'm beneath those who are bad to others. So I am left alone, by others or maybe by choice. The world itself hates me, it is how I feel, and I don’t question it. Why should I question it? It's my fault anyways. Every night I think of these things. Every night I think that I deserve the way I feel. I've been a bad person, so I deserve bad things. This is what I refer to my 'Insomnia'. This was how I hide my inability to sleep, so that I didn't worry others.
Now that you read this, you’ll see the real me, not the person you knew, the one who was all smiles, mostly happy, didn’t ask much and often a helpful hand. It may change everything you thought, or it may change nothing. I feel like it is finally time I let it all out, that it’s time I let everyone know my thoughts. I don’t care who reads this, I don’t care if anyone comments, I don’t care if you ignore this. I don’t want your sympathy. I don’t want encouragement, I don’t want comfort. I don’t deserve it. The funny thing about writing all of this is that tomorrow, I’ll be thinking the same thoughts, and not a damn thing will have changed.