12-25-2010, 10:37 PM
Well to start off, I'm freakin crying right now. I feel like I just cant go on with life much longer. I feel like Im depressed. I have all the material possesions I could ever wish for and my family isnt the richest, but I have money, most of the time.
I just feel sad all the freakin time. Look at me, I mean damn Im a freakin 16 year old and Im sitting here crying, contemplating freakin suicide. How could this freakin happen to me? I ask God to help me and I pray for a sign he can help me. But nothing. I still feel like a worthless being.
A few weeks ago I met this girl on a social website. She lives in a neighboring town and goes to a neighboring school. Shes not the kind of person I would usually associate myself with. She is more of a gothic type. Usually I would avoid this type of person for being, different. I dont know what made me add her, but I did. When I talk to her I feel amazing, almost as if Im, in love with her. We txt alot and talk on the phone. Now, if someone told me that they thought they were inlove with someone they havent even met in person, I would probably laugh at them.
Am I being punished by my freakin God, for becoming what I once despised? I feel like it. She has a boyfriend. Since I met her she has had two different ones. We decided we are going to hang out sometime soon.
All these thoughts are running through my head. What is the point of life? Why are we humans making all this technology and advancing our cilvilization if one the the universe is going to end? Its like Im starting to see life as playing a game that is one day going to be destroyed, so what is the point of playing it?
Suicide has crossed my mind millions of times, but never have I honestly thought about carrying out action. Until a few weeks ago. Yes me. The person with all the material possesions I could want. My social life has been in decline since the start of highschool. I see myself getting pushed to the bottom of the food chain everyday.
Back to the suicide part. I was sitting on my bed. I had a bullet in the chamber of the freakin gun goddamn it. I cocked the hammer back and put the gun to my freakin head. I had my freakin finger on the trigger, fudge. 1/4th of an inch of finger movement and I would cease to exist. I couldnt freakin do it.
I sometimes get images in my head. Bad images. Of me. Mass murder sprees of people. People I blame. But then, the blame points back at me. And thats when I start focusing less on the destruction of my enemies and more of the destruction of myself.
I feel like if I cant have this girl, then I cant live. This girl that I havent even met goddamn it. Why? This is foolishness. Yet, I dont understand. Am I, crazy? But no, I cant be. Crazy people dont know they are crazy, do they? These thoughts, they just wont freakin leave.
All of this, is how I feel. The truth. But its so crazy. I dont even believe it, as I read over it for spelling errors. Its like looking in a mirror, but I cant believe what I see. I mean fudge, I look at my life from a 3rd person view. And I cant freakin believe it. Me. You wouldnt believe all of this if you knew me in person. All of this stuff, by me.
I keep the gun and one bullet. Only one bullet. So I always have a way out. I dont know what Im going to do. I dont feel as if I can grip the reigns of life much longer.
I just feel sad all the freakin time. Look at me, I mean damn Im a freakin 16 year old and Im sitting here crying, contemplating freakin suicide. How could this freakin happen to me? I ask God to help me and I pray for a sign he can help me. But nothing. I still feel like a worthless being.
A few weeks ago I met this girl on a social website. She lives in a neighboring town and goes to a neighboring school. Shes not the kind of person I would usually associate myself with. She is more of a gothic type. Usually I would avoid this type of person for being, different. I dont know what made me add her, but I did. When I talk to her I feel amazing, almost as if Im, in love with her. We txt alot and talk on the phone. Now, if someone told me that they thought they were inlove with someone they havent even met in person, I would probably laugh at them.
Am I being punished by my freakin God, for becoming what I once despised? I feel like it. She has a boyfriend. Since I met her she has had two different ones. We decided we are going to hang out sometime soon.
All these thoughts are running through my head. What is the point of life? Why are we humans making all this technology and advancing our cilvilization if one the the universe is going to end? Its like Im starting to see life as playing a game that is one day going to be destroyed, so what is the point of playing it?
Suicide has crossed my mind millions of times, but never have I honestly thought about carrying out action. Until a few weeks ago. Yes me. The person with all the material possesions I could want. My social life has been in decline since the start of highschool. I see myself getting pushed to the bottom of the food chain everyday.
Back to the suicide part. I was sitting on my bed. I had a bullet in the chamber of the freakin gun goddamn it. I cocked the hammer back and put the gun to my freakin head. I had my freakin finger on the trigger, fudge. 1/4th of an inch of finger movement and I would cease to exist. I couldnt freakin do it.
I sometimes get images in my head. Bad images. Of me. Mass murder sprees of people. People I blame. But then, the blame points back at me. And thats when I start focusing less on the destruction of my enemies and more of the destruction of myself.
I feel like if I cant have this girl, then I cant live. This girl that I havent even met goddamn it. Why? This is foolishness. Yet, I dont understand. Am I, crazy? But no, I cant be. Crazy people dont know they are crazy, do they? These thoughts, they just wont freakin leave.
All of this, is how I feel. The truth. But its so crazy. I dont even believe it, as I read over it for spelling errors. Its like looking in a mirror, but I cant believe what I see. I mean fudge, I look at my life from a 3rd person view. And I cant freakin believe it. Me. You wouldnt believe all of this if you knew me in person. All of this stuff, by me.
I keep the gun and one bullet. Only one bullet. So I always have a way out. I dont know what Im going to do. I dont feel as if I can grip the reigns of life much longer.