11-07-2010, 08:01 AM
Let me just start by saying I apologize for any spelling mistakes as I will probably start to tear up while writing this.
When I was younger, both of my parents worked all the time, I was raised by my grandmother, this may not seem that important, but it plays a crucial part further into my story.
I wouldn't say my father was abusive, but he wasn't the greatest either, when my two dogs would fight, he would kick one of them across the room, I'd pick the dog up, and carry him up to my room crying because that dog was all I had that reminded me of a brighter time in life.
When I was 8, these two brothers whom lived near me started acting like they were my friends, but they just wanted to torture me, they would make me do idiotic things, stealing, drinking piss that they said was Mountain Dew, etc, and they said if I didn't, I wasn't their friends, they were my only friends back then, so I decided to swallow my pride and just do it.
One day while hanging out with them, they threw me to the ground and attempted to rape me, for lack of better words, luckily, my neighbor came out and asked if we were okay, and they ran off.
Next day, one of the brothers fell off a ladder and busted his head, they tried to blame it on me, so the police came to my house at 2am, I was 8 years old and I was being interrogated by police for a false allegation.
When I was 10, my grandmother died due to a medical test done wrong, I didn't get to say goodbye, I didn't get to say anything, my mother told me what happened, and I cried for days, I feel as if my grandmother was the last person to genuinely love me.
When I was 12, I started cutting to help deal with the feelings, my teachers had noticed and they called my mother, my mother took me to the hospital and they admitted me into the psych-ward for observation, this was 6 weeks before Christmas, I cried for days, I felt abandoned, I felt like there was something wrong with me.
I met a girl while I was staying there, she talked to me, she made me smile, she made me laugh, and she enjoyed everything I did, we played Starfox 64 together and Foosball, we'd watch the sunset before they locked us in our rooms, we promised each other we would meet again in a year near the river by the hospital.
I finally get out of the hospital a day before Christmas, only to find out my parents are living on different sides of town, I didn't even know they separated, I was crushed, even though my dad wasn't the greatest, it felt horrible when I seen him crying, he was always this tough guy on the outside, and I seen him as that, and when he cried I felt horrible, I felt as if it was my fault.
They finally get back together about 3 months later, and everything was good for the time.
When the time came for the girl and I to meet again, I sent her a letter telling her not to forget because I really missed her, and was looking forward to seeing her again, I had no car or anything due to me being only 15, so I walked 40 miles, that's how much I cared for her, I waited at the river for 3 days, she never showed up.
This is where the suicide attempts started, I started by overdosing on small things, Tylenol, Advil, etc, things like that.
When I realized those wouldn't get the job done, I started taking heavier pills, Ambien, Vicodin, Diazepam, Carisoprodol, Morphine, and the like, suicide attempts never succeeded, but I quickly became addicted to the feeling of carelessness, the numb feeling, I soon began mixing these with a heavy drinking problem, this was all at 16.
I was taking bottles of the pills at a time, I would go through a bottle of Vodka every 2-3 days.
Then, out of nowhere, that girl comes back into my life, we started talking, then we started hanging out, before you knew it, we were dating, after about a year, I proposed to her, she said yes, even though I had no ring, I told her feelings were stronger than any materialistic object, a lot of people told us that we were too young, but we were both nearly 17, and we had known each other for 5 years.
I get a job building pools in the summer, it gets quite hot here, and I was lifting 100-150lbs by myself on a daily basis, I'd get severe pain in my back and knees every once in a while, so I'd pop a pill or two, but I had stopped drinking and taking so many pills because she had asked.
About 3 months after I had proposed, she had told me she was pregnant, I was happy as could be, I couldn't wait to be a father, I wanted to be the father that my father never was, we had a name picked out and everything.
One day, she called me crying, her mother had come home drunk and started beating her, I rushed her to the hospital and we found out she lost the baby.
I was devastated, I didn't know what to do, I just held her and I cried.
Months go by and I start showing signs of the PTSD, I start becoming withdrawn, depressed a lot more, she said when she looked into my eyes, it was as if I was dead, as if my soul had left, and I was only a shell.
And she was right, I had no will to live anymore.
About a month later, she called me and told me it was over, and that she found someone else.
I couldn't help myself anymore, I slipped into my past addictions, including suicide attempts.
More than one point, I've had a gun held to my head, and I've pulled the trigger, due to my lack of care, the guns had become dirty and jammed.
I don't even want to get out of bed anymore, I just want to fall into a coma and never come out, a never-ending dream, because that's the only time I am partially happy.
Nightmares come more than dreams, but when I manage to have a dream, it's wonderful, the feeling of happiness, and then I wake up and realize it was a dream, and I take a few more pills to go back to sleep.
That's where I am now in my life, I have no ambition, no will to live, nothing.
I go through maybe $750-$1000 a week on pills and booze, not to mention the medical bills racking up due to suicide attempts. :/
I hope some of you read my story, and go that extra mile for the ones that you love, and protect them from any harm, maybe it'll save you from going through the distress I have been through, because I feel it's too late for myself to be saved.
When I was younger, both of my parents worked all the time, I was raised by my grandmother, this may not seem that important, but it plays a crucial part further into my story.
I wouldn't say my father was abusive, but he wasn't the greatest either, when my two dogs would fight, he would kick one of them across the room, I'd pick the dog up, and carry him up to my room crying because that dog was all I had that reminded me of a brighter time in life.
When I was 8, these two brothers whom lived near me started acting like they were my friends, but they just wanted to torture me, they would make me do idiotic things, stealing, drinking piss that they said was Mountain Dew, etc, and they said if I didn't, I wasn't their friends, they were my only friends back then, so I decided to swallow my pride and just do it.
One day while hanging out with them, they threw me to the ground and attempted to rape me, for lack of better words, luckily, my neighbor came out and asked if we were okay, and they ran off.
Next day, one of the brothers fell off a ladder and busted his head, they tried to blame it on me, so the police came to my house at 2am, I was 8 years old and I was being interrogated by police for a false allegation.
When I was 10, my grandmother died due to a medical test done wrong, I didn't get to say goodbye, I didn't get to say anything, my mother told me what happened, and I cried for days, I feel as if my grandmother was the last person to genuinely love me.
When I was 12, I started cutting to help deal with the feelings, my teachers had noticed and they called my mother, my mother took me to the hospital and they admitted me into the psych-ward for observation, this was 6 weeks before Christmas, I cried for days, I felt abandoned, I felt like there was something wrong with me.
I met a girl while I was staying there, she talked to me, she made me smile, she made me laugh, and she enjoyed everything I did, we played Starfox 64 together and Foosball, we'd watch the sunset before they locked us in our rooms, we promised each other we would meet again in a year near the river by the hospital.
I finally get out of the hospital a day before Christmas, only to find out my parents are living on different sides of town, I didn't even know they separated, I was crushed, even though my dad wasn't the greatest, it felt horrible when I seen him crying, he was always this tough guy on the outside, and I seen him as that, and when he cried I felt horrible, I felt as if it was my fault.
They finally get back together about 3 months later, and everything was good for the time.
When the time came for the girl and I to meet again, I sent her a letter telling her not to forget because I really missed her, and was looking forward to seeing her again, I had no car or anything due to me being only 15, so I walked 40 miles, that's how much I cared for her, I waited at the river for 3 days, she never showed up.
This is where the suicide attempts started, I started by overdosing on small things, Tylenol, Advil, etc, things like that.
When I realized those wouldn't get the job done, I started taking heavier pills, Ambien, Vicodin, Diazepam, Carisoprodol, Morphine, and the like, suicide attempts never succeeded, but I quickly became addicted to the feeling of carelessness, the numb feeling, I soon began mixing these with a heavy drinking problem, this was all at 16.
I was taking bottles of the pills at a time, I would go through a bottle of Vodka every 2-3 days.
Then, out of nowhere, that girl comes back into my life, we started talking, then we started hanging out, before you knew it, we were dating, after about a year, I proposed to her, she said yes, even though I had no ring, I told her feelings were stronger than any materialistic object, a lot of people told us that we were too young, but we were both nearly 17, and we had known each other for 5 years.
I get a job building pools in the summer, it gets quite hot here, and I was lifting 100-150lbs by myself on a daily basis, I'd get severe pain in my back and knees every once in a while, so I'd pop a pill or two, but I had stopped drinking and taking so many pills because she had asked.
About 3 months after I had proposed, she had told me she was pregnant, I was happy as could be, I couldn't wait to be a father, I wanted to be the father that my father never was, we had a name picked out and everything.
One day, she called me crying, her mother had come home drunk and started beating her, I rushed her to the hospital and we found out she lost the baby.
I was devastated, I didn't know what to do, I just held her and I cried.
Months go by and I start showing signs of the PTSD, I start becoming withdrawn, depressed a lot more, she said when she looked into my eyes, it was as if I was dead, as if my soul had left, and I was only a shell.
And she was right, I had no will to live anymore.
About a month later, she called me and told me it was over, and that she found someone else.
I couldn't help myself anymore, I slipped into my past addictions, including suicide attempts.
More than one point, I've had a gun held to my head, and I've pulled the trigger, due to my lack of care, the guns had become dirty and jammed.
I don't even want to get out of bed anymore, I just want to fall into a coma and never come out, a never-ending dream, because that's the only time I am partially happy.
Nightmares come more than dreams, but when I manage to have a dream, it's wonderful, the feeling of happiness, and then I wake up and realize it was a dream, and I take a few more pills to go back to sleep.
That's where I am now in my life, I have no ambition, no will to live, nothing.
I go through maybe $750-$1000 a week on pills and booze, not to mention the medical bills racking up due to suicide attempts. :/
I hope some of you read my story, and go that extra mile for the ones that you love, and protect them from any harm, maybe it'll save you from going through the distress I have been through, because I feel it's too late for myself to be saved.
I sit in this small hole and think
the voices aren't real
but they have the most beautiful ideas.
the voices aren't real
but they have the most beautiful ideas.