08-12-2010, 05:17 PM
Hmmmm....
Its ok. Maybe the introductory where he was talking about Chris was a little fast in my opinion and maybe when he sai "Maybe it was the gun" you should say "Maybe it was the damn taser gun" for starts. The end of the paragraph maybe you could have him be disoriented and he misses a few words/sentances.
But idk what exactly your going for thats just what I was thinking should be fixed.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME!
Its ok. Maybe the introductory where he was talking about Chris was a little fast in my opinion and maybe when he sai "Maybe it was the gun" you should say "Maybe it was the damn taser gun" for starts. The end of the paragraph maybe you could have him be disoriented and he misses a few words/sentances.
But idk what exactly your going for thats just what I was thinking should be fixed.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME!
![[Image: Untitled-3.png?t=1281317974]](http://i899.photobucket.com/albums/ac195/xcvPro/Untitled-3.png?t=1281317974)
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