11-07-2011, 12:29 PM
I've never really explained everything that goes on in my life before, so now I'm going to try. This will be quite long, I will not provide a tl;dr.
I'm going to start of by explaining my childhood.
My childhood wasn't exactly a decent one, from that ages of 5-10, I never really had a father that was there. All of my other friends had a dad that would enjoy spending time with them, mine was so different. He was always so abusive, he never enjoyed spending time with me or my siblings. All I ever wanted was a dad that would be there, maybe kick a football with me from time to time, I never had that. I never had a dad I could talk to.He was always too busy with something else, he never had time, he didn't even acknowledge I existed.
From the ages of 11-15 I changed a lot, I started smoking, I started messing up at school, I got into smoking weed, I had friends. I miss those years, they were the best and worst of my life. Best because I had friends, I was popular and confident. I always had a girlfriend, I always had someone there.
From the age of 11-12 is when I started smoking, it was the cool thing to do, I remember how I was then, I was what you'd call a goth. I was a dark person then, I didn't really like anything. Still through these years I had no father figure to look up to, I started self harming at 12 for attention. I felt it was the only way I'd get anyone's attention, it never worked. I ended up getting obsessed with it, I started relying on it.
From the ages of 13-14 is when stuff started getting good. I was popular, I was wanted, I was confident and most of all I was happy. I changed a lot about myself at 13, I started changing my appearance, I got into the whole skinny jeans phase and tight t-shirts. I changed my hair style a lot, I went for the whole fringe over the face look. Those were the days I was the most confident, I loved myself, that's the only way I can explain it. At the age of 14 I was with a girl, I'd met at a gig, we quickly became in a relationship. I couldn't believe how lucky I was, around a month later she ended it. I still to this day don't know why. To get over it I went out with friends, I stayed out late at nights. I went out one night with my friends and we ended up getting jumped. This was the night that ruined my life, I started getting anxious whilst outside. It all started getting too much, I couldn't leave my house. I ended up taking my first overdose, I was in hospital for a few days. I remember when I woke up, thinking how the hell am I still alive, in total I took around 200-250 pills.
After this nothing interesting really happened, so I'll skip to 15 years old.
Things started getting good again at 15, I got my confidence back I wasn't anxious any more. Once again still no father figure, he still didn't acknowledge me. Being 15 was my best year, I had everything back. I had a girlfriend, I had friends, I was popular and wanted again. I started having arguments with my dad, he started telling me hated me and that I was a disappointment. I started self harming again, I lost my girlfriend because I wouldn't quit smoking. I was okay though because I still had my friends. I remember I had just finished school one day, it was wet and muddy. One of my friends fell over in the mud, I offered to help her up. She wouldn't let me, so I walked off laughing with my other friend. The next thing I know, I've been punched in the back of the head, I fell to the ground he looked at me and grabbed me by the hair, made me look at him. He started shouting in my face about how you don't leave girls on the floor, I tried to tell him she wouldn't let me help her up but before I could he punched me in the face, breaking my nose. I had my face on the grass, holding my nose. He started kicking me in the ribs, when I moved my hand from my face to try and cover my ribs, he kicked my in the face fracturing my eye socket. He grabbed me by the hair again, pulled my head up to look at him, punched me in the face and pulled my head back up again, this is when he ripped my lip piercing out. He walked off, my friend just watched, I was covered in blood, this was the most amount of pain I've ever experienced.
Then my anxiety issue's happened again, I could leave my house. I cut of all of my hair, stopped wearing skinny jeans and put on weight. I put on a total of 6stone, I was too scared to leave.
At 16, I failed most of my GCSE's. I got addicted to gaming, staying inside, avoiding all human contact.
At 17, the age I am now, I still can't leave the house, I took an overdose on Paracetamol. I once again survived (obviously) but nothing feels the same anymore, I have no one. I have no friends, nobody to share anything with. My parents couldn't care less, I'm sat in my room every night, doing the same thing over and over again. I've never felt so alone, so un-wanted. It feels like there's nothing worth living for.
When I look back at what I had before, I wish I could have it back but do everything differently. I see a psychologist every Monday to try and help.
I can't see anything helping. :/
I hope someone actually reads this.
I'm going to start of by explaining my childhood.
My childhood wasn't exactly a decent one, from that ages of 5-10, I never really had a father that was there. All of my other friends had a dad that would enjoy spending time with them, mine was so different. He was always so abusive, he never enjoyed spending time with me or my siblings. All I ever wanted was a dad that would be there, maybe kick a football with me from time to time, I never had that. I never had a dad I could talk to.He was always too busy with something else, he never had time, he didn't even acknowledge I existed.
From the ages of 11-15 I changed a lot, I started smoking, I started messing up at school, I got into smoking weed, I had friends. I miss those years, they were the best and worst of my life. Best because I had friends, I was popular and confident. I always had a girlfriend, I always had someone there.
From the age of 11-12 is when I started smoking, it was the cool thing to do, I remember how I was then, I was what you'd call a goth. I was a dark person then, I didn't really like anything. Still through these years I had no father figure to look up to, I started self harming at 12 for attention. I felt it was the only way I'd get anyone's attention, it never worked. I ended up getting obsessed with it, I started relying on it.
From the ages of 13-14 is when stuff started getting good. I was popular, I was wanted, I was confident and most of all I was happy. I changed a lot about myself at 13, I started changing my appearance, I got into the whole skinny jeans phase and tight t-shirts. I changed my hair style a lot, I went for the whole fringe over the face look. Those were the days I was the most confident, I loved myself, that's the only way I can explain it. At the age of 14 I was with a girl, I'd met at a gig, we quickly became in a relationship. I couldn't believe how lucky I was, around a month later she ended it. I still to this day don't know why. To get over it I went out with friends, I stayed out late at nights. I went out one night with my friends and we ended up getting jumped. This was the night that ruined my life, I started getting anxious whilst outside. It all started getting too much, I couldn't leave my house. I ended up taking my first overdose, I was in hospital for a few days. I remember when I woke up, thinking how the hell am I still alive, in total I took around 200-250 pills.
After this nothing interesting really happened, so I'll skip to 15 years old.
Things started getting good again at 15, I got my confidence back I wasn't anxious any more. Once again still no father figure, he still didn't acknowledge me. Being 15 was my best year, I had everything back. I had a girlfriend, I had friends, I was popular and wanted again. I started having arguments with my dad, he started telling me hated me and that I was a disappointment. I started self harming again, I lost my girlfriend because I wouldn't quit smoking. I was okay though because I still had my friends. I remember I had just finished school one day, it was wet and muddy. One of my friends fell over in the mud, I offered to help her up. She wouldn't let me, so I walked off laughing with my other friend. The next thing I know, I've been punched in the back of the head, I fell to the ground he looked at me and grabbed me by the hair, made me look at him. He started shouting in my face about how you don't leave girls on the floor, I tried to tell him she wouldn't let me help her up but before I could he punched me in the face, breaking my nose. I had my face on the grass, holding my nose. He started kicking me in the ribs, when I moved my hand from my face to try and cover my ribs, he kicked my in the face fracturing my eye socket. He grabbed me by the hair again, pulled my head up to look at him, punched me in the face and pulled my head back up again, this is when he ripped my lip piercing out. He walked off, my friend just watched, I was covered in blood, this was the most amount of pain I've ever experienced.
Then my anxiety issue's happened again, I could leave my house. I cut of all of my hair, stopped wearing skinny jeans and put on weight. I put on a total of 6stone, I was too scared to leave.
At 16, I failed most of my GCSE's. I got addicted to gaming, staying inside, avoiding all human contact.
At 17, the age I am now, I still can't leave the house, I took an overdose on Paracetamol. I once again survived (obviously) but nothing feels the same anymore, I have no one. I have no friends, nobody to share anything with. My parents couldn't care less, I'm sat in my room every night, doing the same thing over and over again. I've never felt so alone, so un-wanted. It feels like there's nothing worth living for.
When I look back at what I had before, I wish I could have it back but do everything differently. I see a psychologist every Monday to try and help.
I can't see anything helping. :/
I hope someone actually reads this.
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