It’s 1am Sunday night, and I’m in the hospital sitting next to my father’s bed. Early Wednesday morning he had a heart attack. Thursday morning my girlfriend and I flew here, and on Friday my dad had a major open heart surgery. Yesterday, after being unbelievably cold and terse with me since Friday morning, my girlfriend started an argument in the parking lot, stormed off, called me to come talk to her again, had another explosion, then left to go back to my parent’s house by herself.
This morning she flew back home.
I’ll fill in a lot more detail on the above in a moment, but in short: during the most difficult and scary ordeal I’ve ever been through the one person I am supposed to be able to lean on treated me like she hated me, told me she had to go home and is not here when I need her the most. I’m very, very hurt, and too drained from the added stress to be as angry as I would otherwise be.
She and I have been together for over 7 years, living together for most of that time. I'm in my mid thirties, she is just past 30.
On Monday her grandfather passed away. We both adored him and had just returned from spending a few days with him. He was very ill, but we thought we had much more time. When we heard of his passing I was ready to immediately fly back there so that she could be there for the funeral. Her father, who is like a second dad to me, insisted that we didn’t need to and should stay home. She still wanted to go and I told her that if she wanted to, she should. This was before my father’s heart attack.
When we heard the news about my dad, her father called and insisted even more that we not attend the funeral and instead go to my dad. I gave my girlfriend every opportunity to go to the funeral instead and made it undeniably clear that I understood the situation and that what she needed to do was more important than going with me to be with my dad. She said no, and was adamant that she come with me. So, we flew here.
After arriving on Thursday she was wonderful. Kind and supportive to my family, warm and supportive to me - everything one would want and expect. Then Friday morning it’s as though someone else replaced her in her sleep. She was intensely cold, distant, wouldn’t speak to me unless she absolutely had to, and then just terse replies. During my dad’s surgery she was off working on the laptop - not even on the same floor. I was nervous and scared and I needed her, but she had a client project to finish so I tried to be understanding. She finally came back just before the news that my dad’s operation had finished, but she was still sitting with the laptop around the corner, working out of sight and away from us all. I walked up to tell her surgery was over and went well, and she glanced up and said “great” then went right back to work. I stood there for a minute, just wanting to hug her because I was so relieved that my dad was going to be OK and she continued typing. I had to ask her to stand up. I had to say “Can I please have you for a minute?” She did and then went back to what she was doing.
We had to wait about another 45 minutes before we could go see my dad. My girlfriend went for a walk by herself for about 20 minutes. She got back just before they called us in to see him and had obviously been crying. She was rigid, quiet, wouldn’t talk or get close to me. When they called us in she went with us. Seeing my dad in that much pain was just awful. Pain meds weren’t working and suffice to say it was extremely hard to see him hurting like that. My girlfriend stood with me and seemed somewhat OK again for a short while but it didn’t last. Soon she was colder than ever, wouldn’t stand closer than a foot from me, wouldn’t talk to me or look at me. I tried to be understanding and let her have whatever room she needed. This went on for the rest of the day and night. While driving back to my parents house (doctors made us all go home so my dad could rest at the hospital) she didn’t say a word. Once there, she went inside and laid down without interacting with me at all. I got our bed ready, then went to wake her up and put her in it. She was ornery, pushed me aside and got into bed. I felt like I slept alone that night since the woman that’s usually sleeping in my arms all night didn’t want to be anywhere near me.
In the morning, Saturday, I had to leave at about 5am to get back to the hospital. She got up, and I gently told her she didn’t have to, that she could sleep for a while longer, take the other car and come to the hospital later on. She’d have time to herself with no one else around and I thought that she might need that. She said OK, although still ornery and I left. She came to the hospital only about an hour and a half after I got there - much earlier than I expected. Once there, she was like a statue. Wouldn’t talk, get near me, look at me… she wouldn’t even sit down, and when I’d ask how she was doing she’d just say “I am fine, thank you” in a tone that said exactly the opposite. A few hours later my mother asked her to go with her to run an errand or two and get lunch. My mom could see how upset my girlfriend was and wanted to help. Apparently they had a nice time together, my girlfriend was talkative with her, kind, supportive… and once she was back still cold to me. She asked to take a short walk with me then, so we went. On that walk she spoke kindly to me for the first time in days, but only to tell me she thought things were going well here and she should probably think about when to go back home. I was really hurt at this point. Not angry or agitated, just deeply hurt. I calmly and kindly said “we’ll book a flight for you to go home tomorrow”. I then gently, as kindly as I could, asked “can you tell me what was happening yesterday?” She blew up. She told me she thought she was “handling things very well, considering”. I never raised my voice and kept telling her I asked because I love her and could see that she was upset and wanted to help. She yelled about doing her “very best, but that just isn’t good enough” and then she stormed off in a rage - walked away from me. And I let her go.
About 20 minutes later she called my cell phone and asked to meet me in the lobby of the hospital. So, I went. We walked around the corner where she blew up again, this time even worse. I got her to calm down, again never raising my voice and telling her that I cared about her. She never reciprocated those sentiments in any way. We walked to the cafeteria to sit down, I hadn’t eaten in 12 hours. While eating she finally warmed up just a little bit and was talking gently to me, although still having the same discussion as before. She told me how she had no support structure here. She said "I need to be with my family and my friends." Who the hell am I? and my family? They've been totally supportive of her and her loss, even my dad as he laid there in so much pain he could barely talk he made sure she knew that he cared about her and was sensitive to her loss.
I convinced her to take the car back to my parents house to have some time to herself. She went. Once there, she sent me a txt that she’d booked her flight for early the next morning, then drove back to the hospital. Once back at the hospital, she was ice cold, stonewalling me and back to not looking at or talking to me. We sat with my mother and sister in the cafeteria and she talked kindly to them. Any time I’d say something, she’d spit venom at me. Then she went back to my parents house for the night. I stayed with my dad and mom at the hospital and was up all night.
Sunday, today, I drove back to pick her up at 6:30am to take her to the airport. While in the car, she tried to start yet another argument. She couldn't understand why I didn't go back to the house with her, or ask her to stay at the hospital with us (although she never asked about it that night). I told her several times that I was just too worn out to argue and she finally stopped. We drove in silence and I dropped her off.
I hate to say it, but I felt much, much better once she was gone. She added so much extra stress to what was and is already an extremely difficult situation. I'm on the verge of bawling like a little kid, but can't because no one else is here. I can't even call my girlfriend for support and that just makes it so much worse.
Once she got back home today at about 3pm she sent me a polite txt saying she was home and hoped my family was well. No expression whatsoever of any caring toward me, personally. It was just enough to be polite, nothing more. I didn’t reply because I was too hurt by all of this and rather angry about how she treated me. She sent another txt at 10:30pm saying Goodnight, but again no expression of any caring at all for me. I didn’t reply to that either… Honestly I don’t want to talk to her right now. I can't deal with whatever is going on with her as my dad lays here fighting to stay alive. I'll be here at least another week, possibly two and I'm glad for that. I need time away from her right now, and I'm not sure at this point if I can continue this relationship once I go home.
I’m stunned at how she behaved. I understand that she had her own grieving to do but why on earth was it acceptable to her to treat me that way? I’ve thought about it constantly since she left and can’t find one place where I was rude to her, said something insulting, was inconsiderate of losing her grandfather, didn’t give her space… But I’m pretty sure she thinks she should have went to the funeral and resents me for that. Even considering this, I can’t understand why she’d treat me SO badly. I couldn’t imagine doing this to her. At this point, it’s very hard not to have serious thoughts about whether or not this relationship can continue. If I can’t count on her to be here for me when my father is critically ill, how can I count on her for anything? She checked out when I needed her the most. I would say I still need her this minute, but... she's not here and isn't going to be so it really doesn't matter. About a week before all of this, she even told me how important it is that I allow myself to lean on other people and lean on her. Then when I need to do exactly that, she refused to be there for me. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach.
This is obviously a lot to read and I don’t expect that anyone has made it this far, and that’s ok. I just needed to get this out somehow. I've been staring at the walls in this hospital room for days and just need to get this out before it eats me alive.
This morning she flew back home.
I’ll fill in a lot more detail on the above in a moment, but in short: during the most difficult and scary ordeal I’ve ever been through the one person I am supposed to be able to lean on treated me like she hated me, told me she had to go home and is not here when I need her the most. I’m very, very hurt, and too drained from the added stress to be as angry as I would otherwise be.
She and I have been together for over 7 years, living together for most of that time. I'm in my mid thirties, she is just past 30.
On Monday her grandfather passed away. We both adored him and had just returned from spending a few days with him. He was very ill, but we thought we had much more time. When we heard of his passing I was ready to immediately fly back there so that she could be there for the funeral. Her father, who is like a second dad to me, insisted that we didn’t need to and should stay home. She still wanted to go and I told her that if she wanted to, she should. This was before my father’s heart attack.
When we heard the news about my dad, her father called and insisted even more that we not attend the funeral and instead go to my dad. I gave my girlfriend every opportunity to go to the funeral instead and made it undeniably clear that I understood the situation and that what she needed to do was more important than going with me to be with my dad. She said no, and was adamant that she come with me. So, we flew here.
After arriving on Thursday she was wonderful. Kind and supportive to my family, warm and supportive to me - everything one would want and expect. Then Friday morning it’s as though someone else replaced her in her sleep. She was intensely cold, distant, wouldn’t speak to me unless she absolutely had to, and then just terse replies. During my dad’s surgery she was off working on the laptop - not even on the same floor. I was nervous and scared and I needed her, but she had a client project to finish so I tried to be understanding. She finally came back just before the news that my dad’s operation had finished, but she was still sitting with the laptop around the corner, working out of sight and away from us all. I walked up to tell her surgery was over and went well, and she glanced up and said “great” then went right back to work. I stood there for a minute, just wanting to hug her because I was so relieved that my dad was going to be OK and she continued typing. I had to ask her to stand up. I had to say “Can I please have you for a minute?” She did and then went back to what she was doing.
We had to wait about another 45 minutes before we could go see my dad. My girlfriend went for a walk by herself for about 20 minutes. She got back just before they called us in to see him and had obviously been crying. She was rigid, quiet, wouldn’t talk or get close to me. When they called us in she went with us. Seeing my dad in that much pain was just awful. Pain meds weren’t working and suffice to say it was extremely hard to see him hurting like that. My girlfriend stood with me and seemed somewhat OK again for a short while but it didn’t last. Soon she was colder than ever, wouldn’t stand closer than a foot from me, wouldn’t talk to me or look at me. I tried to be understanding and let her have whatever room she needed. This went on for the rest of the day and night. While driving back to my parents house (doctors made us all go home so my dad could rest at the hospital) she didn’t say a word. Once there, she went inside and laid down without interacting with me at all. I got our bed ready, then went to wake her up and put her in it. She was ornery, pushed me aside and got into bed. I felt like I slept alone that night since the woman that’s usually sleeping in my arms all night didn’t want to be anywhere near me.
In the morning, Saturday, I had to leave at about 5am to get back to the hospital. She got up, and I gently told her she didn’t have to, that she could sleep for a while longer, take the other car and come to the hospital later on. She’d have time to herself with no one else around and I thought that she might need that. She said OK, although still ornery and I left. She came to the hospital only about an hour and a half after I got there - much earlier than I expected. Once there, she was like a statue. Wouldn’t talk, get near me, look at me… she wouldn’t even sit down, and when I’d ask how she was doing she’d just say “I am fine, thank you” in a tone that said exactly the opposite. A few hours later my mother asked her to go with her to run an errand or two and get lunch. My mom could see how upset my girlfriend was and wanted to help. Apparently they had a nice time together, my girlfriend was talkative with her, kind, supportive… and once she was back still cold to me. She asked to take a short walk with me then, so we went. On that walk she spoke kindly to me for the first time in days, but only to tell me she thought things were going well here and she should probably think about when to go back home. I was really hurt at this point. Not angry or agitated, just deeply hurt. I calmly and kindly said “we’ll book a flight for you to go home tomorrow”. I then gently, as kindly as I could, asked “can you tell me what was happening yesterday?” She blew up. She told me she thought she was “handling things very well, considering”. I never raised my voice and kept telling her I asked because I love her and could see that she was upset and wanted to help. She yelled about doing her “very best, but that just isn’t good enough” and then she stormed off in a rage - walked away from me. And I let her go.
About 20 minutes later she called my cell phone and asked to meet me in the lobby of the hospital. So, I went. We walked around the corner where she blew up again, this time even worse. I got her to calm down, again never raising my voice and telling her that I cared about her. She never reciprocated those sentiments in any way. We walked to the cafeteria to sit down, I hadn’t eaten in 12 hours. While eating she finally warmed up just a little bit and was talking gently to me, although still having the same discussion as before. She told me how she had no support structure here. She said "I need to be with my family and my friends." Who the hell am I? and my family? They've been totally supportive of her and her loss, even my dad as he laid there in so much pain he could barely talk he made sure she knew that he cared about her and was sensitive to her loss.
I convinced her to take the car back to my parents house to have some time to herself. She went. Once there, she sent me a txt that she’d booked her flight for early the next morning, then drove back to the hospital. Once back at the hospital, she was ice cold, stonewalling me and back to not looking at or talking to me. We sat with my mother and sister in the cafeteria and she talked kindly to them. Any time I’d say something, she’d spit venom at me. Then she went back to my parents house for the night. I stayed with my dad and mom at the hospital and was up all night.
Sunday, today, I drove back to pick her up at 6:30am to take her to the airport. While in the car, she tried to start yet another argument. She couldn't understand why I didn't go back to the house with her, or ask her to stay at the hospital with us (although she never asked about it that night). I told her several times that I was just too worn out to argue and she finally stopped. We drove in silence and I dropped her off.
I hate to say it, but I felt much, much better once she was gone. She added so much extra stress to what was and is already an extremely difficult situation. I'm on the verge of bawling like a little kid, but can't because no one else is here. I can't even call my girlfriend for support and that just makes it so much worse.
Once she got back home today at about 3pm she sent me a polite txt saying she was home and hoped my family was well. No expression whatsoever of any caring toward me, personally. It was just enough to be polite, nothing more. I didn’t reply because I was too hurt by all of this and rather angry about how she treated me. She sent another txt at 10:30pm saying Goodnight, but again no expression of any caring at all for me. I didn’t reply to that either… Honestly I don’t want to talk to her right now. I can't deal with whatever is going on with her as my dad lays here fighting to stay alive. I'll be here at least another week, possibly two and I'm glad for that. I need time away from her right now, and I'm not sure at this point if I can continue this relationship once I go home.
I’m stunned at how she behaved. I understand that she had her own grieving to do but why on earth was it acceptable to her to treat me that way? I’ve thought about it constantly since she left and can’t find one place where I was rude to her, said something insulting, was inconsiderate of losing her grandfather, didn’t give her space… But I’m pretty sure she thinks she should have went to the funeral and resents me for that. Even considering this, I can’t understand why she’d treat me SO badly. I couldn’t imagine doing this to her. At this point, it’s very hard not to have serious thoughts about whether or not this relationship can continue. If I can’t count on her to be here for me when my father is critically ill, how can I count on her for anything? She checked out when I needed her the most. I would say I still need her this minute, but... she's not here and isn't going to be so it really doesn't matter. About a week before all of this, she even told me how important it is that I allow myself to lean on other people and lean on her. Then when I need to do exactly that, she refused to be there for me. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach.
This is obviously a lot to read and I don’t expect that anyone has made it this far, and that’s ok. I just needed to get this out somehow. I've been staring at the walls in this hospital room for days and just need to get this out before it eats me alive.
