me, insecurity and relationships

[robcooley123]

I'm insecure, my life has been a train wreck: I was bullied until 9th grade, girls never really got along with me and even ran away from me in disgust because of my social awkwardness. I'm now in college, and it hurts to see everyone of my friends in a relationship. It just hurts... I'm in college, college is the time to get someone...

And now, everyone's telling me that "insecurity is a huge turn off in guys". I get it, insecure people can be controlling, abusive and life-destructive, but if you took the time to really understand them, you maybe find a very loving, understanding and caring person, and MAYBE those flaws would be no more. Plus, not every insecure person is controlling, abusive and life-destrucrive. And no, I wouldn't mind to date an insecure girl, I know what's like to have the universe bite your hand off everytime you try to reach out of it, when things have no chance of going wrong, and then everything just falls apart. And yes, there's a limit, if she passes it, I just break up with her. But overall, I understand why some people are insecure!

I have nothing against people who live life happily, life can be cool sometimes. I just hate when people start teasing and shunning insecure people. Let's use "Chad" as an example. Chad is the proverbial confident, optimistic and cheerful guy everyone knows and likes. When people ask him for advice on how to pick up chicks or how to succeed at that job interview, he just tells them to "be confident, because chicks dig it and confidence is key". Yes, even if you're a freaking idiot, if you show a little bit of confidence, people will follow you to the ends of the earth. Yes, confidence is cool because it's an indicator of past success, but you, my dear friend Chad, find it easier to take those chances because, very early on, you had positive results from taking them. You are confident when talking to girls because you ALWAYS had them saying "yes" to you every time! You don't know what I'm talking about because you never had it any other way. Now go and relive your life as the weird kid, the fat kid or the poor kid. Reach ages 12 or 13, and watch girls give you the same look they give to a spider they found in the bathtub, with a body language that says "get the hell out of my sight, you creepy ass weirdo!". Go back and live your life in a universe that bites your hand off everytime you try to reach out of it. Then see what your confidence is like at age 23. You see, confidence is the result, and not the cause, of your past success. Confidence is not some secret sauce that solves everything! Sometimes, if you're confident in yourself, you're probably too stupid to know what failure feels like. Next time you tell this to insecure people, just remember that a caged bird thinks flying is a disease, it's gonna take a lot of time before he starts to fly around like a free bird.

I'm not looking for reasons to be insecure, I just want people to look at things the way an insecure person does, in order to understand why he/she feels like this, instead of randomly bashing, ignoring and/or judging them like a bunch of mouthbreathers.

You know what's the only thing I'm confident about? My book smarts! You want to know why? Because when I was in elementary school, every single teacher told me they loved to read my texts and following my clean and concise thinking, and my test grades were good most of the time! Yes, I had a few failures, but when you're used to being smiled at by life, you face them with a new light! I'm not saying I'm a genius(the more I know, the more I don't know xD), I'm good at school, just that xD.

As I told Chad, my only insecurity is in the relationship(or social) department. I'm afraid I'll have to end up alone because of my insecurity issue, although I don't think it's the biggest personal issue possible for someone to have. I don't get it, why don't people know that there's actually LOTS of intelligent, loving and caring people who just happen to be insecure because of a deep-seated problem, and ignorant, idotic confident people?

[AndreR]

Feeling insecure can be such a frustration on life. Any hopes, dreams and wishes for the future can be suddenly overwhelmed by the fear of judgement, to then ask yourself ‘what’s the point, if I try I will end up withdrawing from what I really wanted because of my fear of trying, failure and what others would think’.

Social insecurities do tend to form from early childhood. If comfortable to do so, consider taking some generous time to reflect on your early years, what situations made you feel uncomfortable, the times of shyness, maybe feeling you were made to do something where you had to be in the spotlight of onlookers? Consider if you felt if you were pushed into showing care for others, possibly pushed into showing physical affection.

Although maybe difficult and possibly upsetting at times, reflect on the whole scenario, how you felt and afterwards. You may begin to see how similar behaviours from the past still play out in present scenarios.

Your frustration about other people not understanding and knowing about insecure people is valid. But in reality you may hold onto to these questions forever and not seek the answers. People have their own idea of how the world is to them. Without going through what you may have experienced would make it difficult for another to understand.

Bitterness towards others not understanding could only deepen your bitterness leading to resentments. Try not to let insecurity lead you to believe others are at fault and inconsiderate because they don’t understand. You may end up with a lifetime of pain as others may seem without it. But taking the decision to deal with insecurity yourself can be very rewarding and can build strength, courage, confidence and respect for yourself as a person able to overcome insecurities that have no right to stop you enjoying life..

Maybe reflecting and talking about these difficult experiences may help release tensions and well as gaining some perspective on how past experiences affect behaviours today.

I wish to share a statement, a powerful and in my experience a real proven action that does help someone out of insecurities and extreme shyness and over time as it is practised leads into confidence.

Remember this and repeat it to yourself whenever finding yourself in a situation of insecurity when you really want to do something. It is to: “Do it...Afraid”.

How do I know it works? Because it did for me.

Also a quote that has had a lot of influence in my life which you may also find helpful to read now and then and of comfort:

"If you believe that life is keeping you in chains, then as
Long as you believe you are in chains, how can you release yourself?.
And when you do release from them, it will be simply because you no longer believe in them, withdrawing the faith that these invisible chains can hold you, and placing it in your freedom instead".

Take care
Andre

[soul3]

If you'd like to boost your confidence, how about spending some time getting good at something that you might enjoy... maybe some sport you might like? Ideally a social sport... coed soccer, etc.

Also, if you are good at school, have you ever thought about being a tutor? It could help you gain some social skills, where the context is around an area you feel very confident with(school work) instead of an area where you feel less confident (relationships). Eventually, you might be able to use those socials skills everywhere.

[Good vibes]

I hope your situation has improved since this post was created! The people who responded made serval great points.

I just wanted to add the small additional reminder that we all bare scares on an emotional level. Most of us mere mortals have experienced hurt, sadness, grief, or betrayal at some point in our past. Some of us have endured more pain and struggling than others, but the result is typically the same - toxic reoccurring thoughts of "what if.. I should have.. I'm this way because that's how I was back then." It's not easy to forget the past, but when you do you're met with the greatest sense of freedom you could ever imagine. Shutting off the past, as if locked behind a steel wall, creates a space which allows you focus on the present. Where you are in life right **Now** Not where you used to be, or thinking about where you could be. But right this very instant. You can only step from where your standing. Put the past behind you, take it one day at a time, be nice to yourself, and remember -- You are not your past.

[Clark]

You need to start with your confidence, because you can't love others if you don't love yourself. Since this has been something that's been going on for awhile I highly recommend seeing some kind of psychologist. You need to change the way you perceive yourself and that won't happen overnight. Once you can recognize your good qualities you can really start to move forward.

[Roger]

Hey guys, new to this site but I really like what i see so far. I have just gotten out of a relationship, not by my choice, it was hers. This was a relationship I never thought would end, the person I wanted to and still want to marry. It has been 7 weeks or so, and I still feel the same way. I will admit that I have not necessarily handled the break up the best way, for example, she asked for some space and I did not give her as much as she probably needed. Needless to say that now that I have not really been contacting her, I am hoping it is not too late.
I have taken stock on the reasons she gave for leaving me. One of them was not being emotionally connected enough to her, she also thought that after being with me for three (3) years that we should have been much further along as a couple and she also felt that I did not look after her needs for emotional support and even sex enough. I am of the opinion that I can fix these. The distance while not easy has forced me to take stock of my life as an individual and I have since put things in place which demonstrates more independence and taking responsibility for my life overall.
However as i said above, I still want to have a relationship with my ex. I know she still loves me, but as she has said, it takes more than just love for a relationship to work. How can I demonstrate to her my willingness to work on the issues we had, considering all I have said.

[pgcar]

I'm insecure, my life has been a train wreck: I was bullied until 9th grade, girls never really got along with me and even ran away from me in disgust because of my social awkwardness. I'm now in college, and it hurts to see everyone of my friends in a relationship. It just hurts... I'm in college, college is the time to get someone...

And now, everyone's telling me that "insecurity is a huge turn off in guys". I get it, insecure people can be controlling, abusive and life-destructive, but if you took the time to really understand them, you maybe find a very loving, understanding and caring person, and MAYBE those flaws would be no more. Plus, not every insecure person is controlling, abusive and life-destrucrive. And no, I wouldn't mind to date an insecure girl, I know what's like to have the universe bite your hand off everytime you try to reach out of it, when things have no chance of going wrong, and then everything just falls apart. And yes, there's a limit, if she passes it, I just break up with her. But overall, I understand why some people are insecure!

I have nothing against people who live life happily, life can be cool sometimes. I just hate when people start teasing and shunning insecure people. Let's use "Chad" as an example. Chad is the proverbial confident, optimistic and cheerful guy everyone knows and likes. When people ask him for advice on how to pick up chicks or how to succeed at that job interview, he just tells them to "be confident, because chicks dig it and confidence is key". Yes, even if you're a freaking idiot, if you show a little bit of confidence, people will follow you to the ends of the earth. Yes, confidence is cool because it's an indicator of past success, but you, my dear friend Chad, find it easier to take those chances because, very early on, you had positive results from taking them. You are confident when talking to girls because you ALWAYS had them saying "yes" to you every time! You don't know what I'm talking about because you never had it any other way. Now go and relive your life as the weird kid, the fat kid or the poor kid. Reach ages 12 or 13, and watch girls give you the same look they give to a spider they found in the bathtub, with a body language that says "get the hell out of my sight, you creepy ass weirdo!". Go back and live your life in a universe that bites your hand off everytime you try to reach out of it. Then see what your confidence is like at age 23. You see, confidence is the result, and not the cause, of your past success. Confidence is not some secret sauce that solves everything! Sometimes, if you're confident in yourself, you're probably too stupid to know what failure feels like. Next time you tell this to insecure people, just remember that a caged bird thinks flying is a disease, it's gonna take a lot of time before he starts to fly around like a free bird.

I'm not looking for reasons to be insecure, I just want people to look at things the way an insecure person does, in order to understand why he/she feels like this, instead of randomly bashing, ignoring and/or judging them like a bunch of mouthbreathers.

You know what's the only thing I'm confident about? My book smarts! You want to know why? Because when I was in elementary school, every single teacher told me they loved to read my texts and following my clean and concise thinking, and my test grades were good most of the time! Yes, I had a few failures, but when you're used to being smiled at by life, you face them with a new light! I'm not saying I'm a genius(the more I know, the more I don't know xD), I'm good at school, just that xD.

As I told Chad, my only insecurity is in the relationship(or social) department. I'm afraid I'll have to end up alone because of my insecurity issue, although I don't think it's the biggest personal issue possible for someone to have. I don't get it, why don't people know that there's actually LOTS of intelligent, loving and caring people who just happen to be insecure because of a deep-seated problem, and ignorant, idotic confident people?

Hi Rob,

I enjoyed reading your post, because I've been there before myself. For me it was moving around all the time as a kid. I was that guy who had lived in four different states by the time I was 10 years old, and while I was generally a fairly happy and well-adjusted kid, I had "new guy" syndrome and chronically felt like I was an outsider. For the better part of middle school and high school I felt somewhat lonely and insecure. Eventually things got better, largely because I had parents and a brother who always stood by me, but it was a long road.

Anyways, I hope you're able to figure it out Rob. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. I really do think it's true that people tend to reflect the feelings they see in others - anger begets anger, sadness begets sadness, and unfortunately fear can beget fear, which is easy to misinterpret as rejection. For what it's worth, there's an iPhone app called Empath all about empathy and emotional support that you might like. I've found it to be helpful.

Phil

[pgcar]

Hey guys, new to this site but I really like what i see so far. I have just gotten out of a relationship, not by my choice, it was hers. This was a relationship I never thought would end, the person I wanted to and still want to marry. It has been 7 weeks or so, and I still feel the same way. I will admit that I have not necessarily handled the break up the best way, for example, she asked for some space and I did not give her as much as she probably needed. Needless to say that now that I have not really been contacting her, I am hoping it is not too late.
I have taken stock on the reasons she gave for leaving me. One of them was not being emotionally connected enough to her, she also thought that after being with me for three (3) years that we should have been much further along as a couple and she also felt that I did not look after her needs for emotional support and even sex enough. I am of the opinion that I can fix these. The distance while not easy has forced me to take stock of my life as an individual and I have since put things in place which demonstrates more independence and taking responsibility for my life overall.
However as i said above, I still want to have a relationship with my ex. I know she still loves me, but as she has said, it takes more than just love for a relationship to work. How can I demonstrate to her my willingness to work on the issues we had, considering all I have said.