05-29-2013, 10:02 PM
I'll try to keep it to the point. I'm erika, and I'm 18.
When I was 12, I made a 17 year old friend. We were extremely close & inseparable. He was the first person I confided in that I was being molested.
A few months later I had to move to a dif state. He told me I should come out about my problem before moving, but I decided against it, and ended up coming out about it months after moving to the new state.
He was mad, cuz the case could not be closed due to me being unable to fly back to testify, but regardless, he was there for me emotionally.
Over the next few years, we had our ins & outs, but no matter what he'd always reconnect with me and shake me out of my stupid teenage phases.
Anyways, he had a way with making me feel better, and safe.
But as time continued his depression become more apparent, he began drinking, experimenting with drugs from time to time, and talking of suicide almost every convo.
I'd tell him it'd be ok, but I never put in as much effort as he had for me all these years.
January of 2012, we had a skype convo. He told me he had had it, he would off himself soon. He said he was too far from normal and couldn't handle it. I told him I loved him, and begged him not to talk like that. But still brushed it off within minutes.
That was the last time I'd hear his voice and see his face.
He had msgd me on fb in November, but me being me, I ignored it; I wasn't interested in his problems at the time. And I'll always regret putting him aside.
A week later, after a great night with friends, I received a msg that he was found dead that day. He had overdosed.
I hate myself for not being there for him. He cried & begged for help, but I ignored all of his calls.
It's been over half a year and I'm still not accepting his death & I can't forgive myself.
Some days I'm ok, but the moment I think about him I spiral down with guilt, self-hatred, and pain. I want to think of him in a loving, memorable way, but my faults block all the great memories.
I don't know how to cope with this.
When I was 12, I made a 17 year old friend. We were extremely close & inseparable. He was the first person I confided in that I was being molested.
A few months later I had to move to a dif state. He told me I should come out about my problem before moving, but I decided against it, and ended up coming out about it months after moving to the new state.
He was mad, cuz the case could not be closed due to me being unable to fly back to testify, but regardless, he was there for me emotionally.
Over the next few years, we had our ins & outs, but no matter what he'd always reconnect with me and shake me out of my stupid teenage phases.
Anyways, he had a way with making me feel better, and safe.
But as time continued his depression become more apparent, he began drinking, experimenting with drugs from time to time, and talking of suicide almost every convo.
I'd tell him it'd be ok, but I never put in as much effort as he had for me all these years.
January of 2012, we had a skype convo. He told me he had had it, he would off himself soon. He said he was too far from normal and couldn't handle it. I told him I loved him, and begged him not to talk like that. But still brushed it off within minutes.
That was the last time I'd hear his voice and see his face.
He had msgd me on fb in November, but me being me, I ignored it; I wasn't interested in his problems at the time. And I'll always regret putting him aside.
A week later, after a great night with friends, I received a msg that he was found dead that day. He had overdosed.
I hate myself for not being there for him. He cried & begged for help, but I ignored all of his calls.
It's been over half a year and I'm still not accepting his death & I can't forgive myself.
Some days I'm ok, but the moment I think about him I spiral down with guilt, self-hatred, and pain. I want to think of him in a loving, memorable way, but my faults block all the great memories.
I don't know how to cope with this.
