04-15-2012, 11:22 PM
Let me start off, I'm not normally person who talks about feelings.. I've always been the one to keep it to myself.. It's just that the past few months have been the worst of my life.. For all my adult life, and part of my teens, I would sometimes get the feeling that I'm "not here". It would feel like it wasn't me.. I"d be aware that I was controlling me, but it just didn't sit right. It would usually go away within a couple hours or days.. I've also been accused of having OCD by a lot of people, on a lot of occasions, for understandable reasons. Back to the point- I sometimes felt way too out of it, but got over it. Then around Nov or Dec of 2011, I started feeling them more frequently, and worse. I still dealt with it. Around February 19 something "broke".. I got extremely hot.. I became disoriented, and wasn't sure what I was doing.. I just remember that it was such an unpleasant feeling that I got up (still feeling off), and looked for something to off myself with. I didn't, but I still remember the how serious the intent was.. Since then, I've had a myriad of different feelings and thoughts, as well as some pysical issues.. I drool sometimes, my motor skill are slower.. I know it's normal to forget words sometimes, but I sometimes forget whole sentences.. I still get bad heat flashes on occasion.. Headaches (which I've been used to over the past couple years, but they're getting weirder).. I usually just get them in one spot on my head (I do have migraines, so), it feels like that spot gets numb a lot. Like it feel asleep, or a ghost punched me in the head. I've had some issues with tunnel vision,.. Sometimes tv screens, etc, will start flashing like a disco ball, even though it's a still picture.. I'll stare off at something for 20 minutes at a time and not even notice I haven't felt normal or here since February.. I have occasional moments where I'm pretty lucid, this being one of them, but most days are horrible.. I don't always feel bad, but even when I'm calm and "happy", I am not here. I've always had issues with unwanted thoughts, or thoughts that pop out of nowhere, but they are getting dangerous now.. Sometimes while walking I'll hear the sound of a train, and I'll have to stop myself from running on the tracks. Even if I'm not unhappy or feel alright, I'll get the urge.. I just can't deal with this crap anymore.. I don't know whether to see a shrink or a neurologist, and don't have the money even if I knew.. I"m trying to pull it together because I've got a daughter and people to support.. I just don't know how to pull it together when I don't even feel like I'm here, and my head hurts..
