Don't know if I want help or know what to do..

[WhatToDo?]

Please note before you read this, it has been put through Google Translate from English>Italian>English to ensure no one who knows me could identify my style of writing, should they find this site. I'm sorry for the bad grammar, spelling, punctuation or anything else wrong with this thread.

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I do not know how to start this, so I'll just begin.
I think I have social anxiety. I can not function in social gatherings, I can not even say hello to anyone without feeling as if I messed up. I do not really have many friends I could call 'friends', people who i could count on or would care about me, but even if I have 2 people I can talk to about any thing I constantly feel like I'm wasting their time, or that i don' t really matter, and I'm just an inconvenience. Besides this, every time someone looks at me, all I can think of is the negative things that they could be thinking of me. I can not talk to people properly, or embrace anyone properly, not even my parents. I feel that do not fit in anywhere.
I always feel as if someone is watching me, wherever I am. Do not know why, I can not help it.
I think I suffer from depression as well. I am never happy, even if I pretend to be happy in school in front of my friends. I see no purpose in life, I never achieved anything, and I can not see that I ever will. I've been accepted to college, but I feel I'm still not good enough for this. I can't see me ever managing to marry, have a family, or settle with anyone because I honestly see no reason why anyone would want to waste their time with me. I'm useless, worthless, ungrateful, pathetic and a waste of human life. I have no reason to feel this way, I have a life other people who give their right arm for, but I still can not be happy. I do not deserve the life I have. I have great parents, caring friends, but I am still unhappy.
I want to die, I see no reason to live, I'm just ruining the lives of others. I have researched different methods of suicide, but I do not know if I can bring myself to do it.
I tried going to get the help of the counselor at school, but I felt like I'd just be wasting their time, that I am not worthy of help. I also feel as if I do not want help, I'd rather just end it all. The other reason is I do not want to get help I feel they will only call it attention seeking, or put me on suicide watch, or put me in a psych ward ..
Every day, there is a small voice in the back of my head, It say suicide is the answer, and I honestly do not see any reason not to kill myself, except I would upset my family / two closest friends. But even then, people will eventually learn to live with it, and I feel like I have to improve their lives by going through with it. My life will never amount to anything, I can not do anything useful, there's really no reason to live ..
Even sitting here, writing this, I feel like I will be wasting your time, as I am too insignificant to be even remotely important, I do not matter.
I do not know what to do .. I do not know if I want to die, if I want to ask for help, if I want to get out of this .. I just do not know .. Suicide seems like the right answer ..
Thanks for any help.

[Crystal]

Well you should definitely consult a consular or a doctor.. It doesn't matter if you waste their time they will be paid for it so ... Also suicide is never a option... Can you image that if one of ur friend suicides how would you feel? Or if anyone in ur family does this kiddish act how would you feel? Its not easy to move on when you loose your kid so never even think about it..
I think you need to consult the doc or maybe talk to one of ur parent whom you think is close to you and tell them all this.. They will understand and show you the right way.

Wish you luck in life.

[King]

Forget seeing a doctor. Just work on it. You have a fear of being put on the spot. But the only fear you should have in this life is fear in itself. Use the benefits of being an introvert to find success and along the way work on your social skills. Don't care what people think of you.

[///ViNcE]

As King said, don't worry about a doctor nor a therapist & don't worry about what people think. Me & you unregistered, we both are alike but we are different in the sense that I overthink everything.

Lets look at this whole thing, are you really useless??? You are attacking everything when really there's no need. Like, the feeling of you are wasting peoples time. Look at it as you are spending time. Are they happy??? Look at it as there we're times where you made them happy also.

The feeling that you can't do anything good in life, look at trying to strive to do something. What do you like doing??? Hobbies???

Also maybe start writing in a journal, that usually helps with getting everything down, figuring out the next step.

I really hope that you can answer & as a reminder, suicide is never & should never be an answer!

[Guest]

I can't not worry about what people think, that's the problem.
I feel useless, and even if someone looks like they are enjoying talking to me, I can't help but think they're just pretending, and that they don't actually want to talk to me.
I've tried hobbies before, but I just become bored and uninterested after a short amount of time..
I might try your suggestion of writing in a journal, hopefully that will help.
Thanks for your reply, and I know suicide shouldn't be an answer, but it just seems as it's the only answer..

[///ViNcE]

It should never be the answer & it really does hit you hard. Look into not actually thinking they are pretending & just fall into a conversation. Don't even try to think as if they are actually enjoying, just look at it as they are they for helping you.

If you don't mind me asking, is there a chance we could talk a little personally??? I mean, hobbies which are hard??? What hobbies could be so hard that you get into it??? It usually just doesn't go with how hard you try but the approach you go with learning.

[Guest]

I still feel like I'm wasting their time, no matter what I think, or what they say..
And I'm not sure I understand what you're saying regarding the hobbies..

[Soldier]

I know what you mean with social anxiety. I guess our cases are different in that I became real reserved after my tours I just didn't feel like talking about anything to anyone. To be honest I found that if you just tell yourself to man the hell up and pull your boots on you'll soon get over it.