12-10-2011, 01:20 PM
Hi.
This will be a really stupid post and you will surely find my situation completely ridiculous so I'll apologize on beforehand.
I feel really misunderstood. I will give you the long version of it all, since you won't understan it if I don't... sorry.
I was very bullied when I was 5-12 years old. First because I had knocked out my two front teeth, had little hair on my head and was rather slow, the two latter factors because of an undiagnosed illness that almost killed me as an infant. Later, when I got healthier and started understanding more I got bullied because of my unproportionally big front teeth that had grown out, of course they look better now, after about four or five diferrent braces.
The point being my self esteem when starting 7:th grade at a new scool was far down in a bottomless pit. Every boy I saw was an enemy, I sometimes daydreamed about the revenges I would take out on the boys who had bullied me, and in my eyes there were no such thing as a nice person of male gender except for adults and teachers. I did'nt talk to boys if I could help it, and only made friends with girls who did'nt look mean or bully-like. Of course there was bullying there as well, but not as severe as before, but then something else started happening that I could'nt understand.
The less annoying guys in my class (the ones who took the teachers more seriously than the cool morons) started imlying things when I was around, smiling for no apparent reason, looking like they knew something. All but one of them, a rather short, petite boy whom I had mistaken for a girl first time I saw him. Mostly because he had shoulder length blonde hair and girly socks (striped).
Then one day, when we were returning to the classroom after recess I saw something on a piece of paper I had left on my desk. Scribbled down really hard in a corner was a heart with the blonde boys name in it.
While I pondered this, feeling my heartbeat racing from shock and fear I felt stares sharp as laserbeams across my back. I had an audience waiting with suspense for my next move, so I proceeded doing what I always did when being bullied - acted indiferrent, tore off the scribbled bit, sat down and waited for the teacher to start the lesson. This went on, not scribbles, but a lot happened around me and him spanning across the three years we went to that school. Odd pairing in games, the stares, the ridiculing, once one of the boys even outright asked me if I liked the blonde boy. Of course their intentions were always good, though they eyojed themselves a lot with their deeds as well.
You must understand though, after being bullied I saw myself as someone impossible of being liked. All I saw in the mirror was an ugly, scrawny girl with crooked and big teeth. Ever thinking of one day perhaps being liked made me feel stupid. I took me more than a year to start suspecting it to perhaps being what it was - he liking me. And I was so happy. I felt like smiling so much, I felt butterflies in my stomache and this tingling feeling throughout my whole body, love, I guess.
I never said anything though, I averted by gaze, turned my head away and was as asocial as ever, I was so shy. But inside I wished everyday that he would talk to me, tell me what he felt so that I knew that I would'nt be rejected if I revealed my own feelings. But nothing happened. Ninth grade ended, then came summer vacation and later High School. I started in the school most central in our town, I had not gotten in to the one I had applied to and this was my second choice. We were all sitting in the big auditorium waiting for the principal to make some speech, and there he was. One row in front and two seats away. No matter from what angle he was I could always recognize him. Later in the cafeteria he was sitting at the table behind mine. Out of fifty voices talking all at once I could distinctly hear his, I never turned around.
Some week later I got a call from the school I had wanted to go to. They had a spot free after a student had dropped out and asked if I still was interested. I said yes. I really regret it now.
I started in my new school, met my new classmates. Later I heard that my friends had met the blonde boy and talked about me going to the new school, to which he replied that I did'nt, as he had seen me at his school. They explained it to him why it was so, and that was it for a long time.
One day I went to his school, found him and apologized for not understanding what he felt back then. It was a plan I had long been wavering about executing since I never had the courage to just say "I love you". And it was much later that I understood what a bitch I must have sounded like. I cant even remember what he said, only that we could surely hang out wiht our friends together. Then he went away with his classmates while I stumbled out of sight, collapsing from mental exhaustion on the nearest bench. Nothing changed after that though.
Later I joined Facebook and nearly choked on a biscuit when I saw who wanted to befriend me. Of course I accepted, being overjoyed about reading completely random stuff he had written. Then came the culture night, a rather new thing in our town when diferrent cultural things are being showed and displayed during the evening and night of a day in september. I was participating in a workshop, and he was playing in a band as I had read in a post of his. Summing up my courage I had even asked if I could come watch, and he had replied that it would be fun and that he could come to the workshop as well. Theres no words to what I felt, I was so happy I was crying. But he never came, and I never went to his show. A few days later I deleted him from my account out of anger.
Years passed, sometimes I saw him in town. From my friends I sometimes heard things, like him starting smoking, getting a girlfriend. Eventhough I heard all this I never stopped hoping, I just did'nt know what to do so I suppressed it. After graduation there was a big party and I really hoped he would be there, and he was, making out with a girl in a dark corner. I went home after seeing it, spending the rest of the night crying my eyes out.
I started college, dropped out, went to London as an au pair, came home, got a job, and now I'm working so that I can finance future studies. Yesterday I became curious about what he was doing and looked up his account on Facebook. I only skimmed cross the words "current location Stockholm, has a relationship with ..." before I broke down, feeling my life not being worth living anymore.
Everybody always thinks of me as a rather gloomy, daydreaming person. My best friend always talks about me needing to find a boyfriend and be more fun, but I can't. The reason I am like this is because of him. I can never replace what he is to me with anyone else, it's like my feelings have shut down while waiting for him. I've even dreamt about him, waking up either crying or euphorically happy.
For six years this boy, man, has been my sun. I can't even imagine a time when my thoughts did'nt revolve around him in some way. I always thought "I wonder if he-", if he would care if I became anorexic, or cut my hair or send him an e-mail, if he would perhaps be in town today.
Even if I did ever confess to everyting I am feeling, what am I? Plain looking, average grades, working in a factory without any hopes of a brilliant career in the future. I am already twenty. I can't even remeber the last time I saw him. He would surely think me insane if he read this. The only thing keeping me from laying down and not getting up again is my family. I can't ever show myself being this weak in front of them, I love them too much, and in the end its all my own fault that I am this unhappy. All I wanted was for him to take the first step, and because of that I ruined it.
.. Help?
This will be a really stupid post and you will surely find my situation completely ridiculous so I'll apologize on beforehand.
I feel really misunderstood. I will give you the long version of it all, since you won't understan it if I don't... sorry.
I was very bullied when I was 5-12 years old. First because I had knocked out my two front teeth, had little hair on my head and was rather slow, the two latter factors because of an undiagnosed illness that almost killed me as an infant. Later, when I got healthier and started understanding more I got bullied because of my unproportionally big front teeth that had grown out, of course they look better now, after about four or five diferrent braces.
The point being my self esteem when starting 7:th grade at a new scool was far down in a bottomless pit. Every boy I saw was an enemy, I sometimes daydreamed about the revenges I would take out on the boys who had bullied me, and in my eyes there were no such thing as a nice person of male gender except for adults and teachers. I did'nt talk to boys if I could help it, and only made friends with girls who did'nt look mean or bully-like. Of course there was bullying there as well, but not as severe as before, but then something else started happening that I could'nt understand.
The less annoying guys in my class (the ones who took the teachers more seriously than the cool morons) started imlying things when I was around, smiling for no apparent reason, looking like they knew something. All but one of them, a rather short, petite boy whom I had mistaken for a girl first time I saw him. Mostly because he had shoulder length blonde hair and girly socks (striped).
Then one day, when we were returning to the classroom after recess I saw something on a piece of paper I had left on my desk. Scribbled down really hard in a corner was a heart with the blonde boys name in it.
While I pondered this, feeling my heartbeat racing from shock and fear I felt stares sharp as laserbeams across my back. I had an audience waiting with suspense for my next move, so I proceeded doing what I always did when being bullied - acted indiferrent, tore off the scribbled bit, sat down and waited for the teacher to start the lesson. This went on, not scribbles, but a lot happened around me and him spanning across the three years we went to that school. Odd pairing in games, the stares, the ridiculing, once one of the boys even outright asked me if I liked the blonde boy. Of course their intentions were always good, though they eyojed themselves a lot with their deeds as well.
You must understand though, after being bullied I saw myself as someone impossible of being liked. All I saw in the mirror was an ugly, scrawny girl with crooked and big teeth. Ever thinking of one day perhaps being liked made me feel stupid. I took me more than a year to start suspecting it to perhaps being what it was - he liking me. And I was so happy. I felt like smiling so much, I felt butterflies in my stomache and this tingling feeling throughout my whole body, love, I guess.
I never said anything though, I averted by gaze, turned my head away and was as asocial as ever, I was so shy. But inside I wished everyday that he would talk to me, tell me what he felt so that I knew that I would'nt be rejected if I revealed my own feelings. But nothing happened. Ninth grade ended, then came summer vacation and later High School. I started in the school most central in our town, I had not gotten in to the one I had applied to and this was my second choice. We were all sitting in the big auditorium waiting for the principal to make some speech, and there he was. One row in front and two seats away. No matter from what angle he was I could always recognize him. Later in the cafeteria he was sitting at the table behind mine. Out of fifty voices talking all at once I could distinctly hear his, I never turned around.
Some week later I got a call from the school I had wanted to go to. They had a spot free after a student had dropped out and asked if I still was interested. I said yes. I really regret it now.
I started in my new school, met my new classmates. Later I heard that my friends had met the blonde boy and talked about me going to the new school, to which he replied that I did'nt, as he had seen me at his school. They explained it to him why it was so, and that was it for a long time.
One day I went to his school, found him and apologized for not understanding what he felt back then. It was a plan I had long been wavering about executing since I never had the courage to just say "I love you". And it was much later that I understood what a bitch I must have sounded like. I cant even remember what he said, only that we could surely hang out wiht our friends together. Then he went away with his classmates while I stumbled out of sight, collapsing from mental exhaustion on the nearest bench. Nothing changed after that though.
Later I joined Facebook and nearly choked on a biscuit when I saw who wanted to befriend me. Of course I accepted, being overjoyed about reading completely random stuff he had written. Then came the culture night, a rather new thing in our town when diferrent cultural things are being showed and displayed during the evening and night of a day in september. I was participating in a workshop, and he was playing in a band as I had read in a post of his. Summing up my courage I had even asked if I could come watch, and he had replied that it would be fun and that he could come to the workshop as well. Theres no words to what I felt, I was so happy I was crying. But he never came, and I never went to his show. A few days later I deleted him from my account out of anger.
Years passed, sometimes I saw him in town. From my friends I sometimes heard things, like him starting smoking, getting a girlfriend. Eventhough I heard all this I never stopped hoping, I just did'nt know what to do so I suppressed it. After graduation there was a big party and I really hoped he would be there, and he was, making out with a girl in a dark corner. I went home after seeing it, spending the rest of the night crying my eyes out.
I started college, dropped out, went to London as an au pair, came home, got a job, and now I'm working so that I can finance future studies. Yesterday I became curious about what he was doing and looked up his account on Facebook. I only skimmed cross the words "current location Stockholm, has a relationship with ..." before I broke down, feeling my life not being worth living anymore.
Everybody always thinks of me as a rather gloomy, daydreaming person. My best friend always talks about me needing to find a boyfriend and be more fun, but I can't. The reason I am like this is because of him. I can never replace what he is to me with anyone else, it's like my feelings have shut down while waiting for him. I've even dreamt about him, waking up either crying or euphorically happy.
For six years this boy, man, has been my sun. I can't even imagine a time when my thoughts did'nt revolve around him in some way. I always thought "I wonder if he-", if he would care if I became anorexic, or cut my hair or send him an e-mail, if he would perhaps be in town today.
Even if I did ever confess to everyting I am feeling, what am I? Plain looking, average grades, working in a factory without any hopes of a brilliant career in the future. I am already twenty. I can't even remeber the last time I saw him. He would surely think me insane if he read this. The only thing keeping me from laying down and not getting up again is my family. I can't ever show myself being this weak in front of them, I love them too much, and in the end its all my own fault that I am this unhappy. All I wanted was for him to take the first step, and because of that I ruined it.
.. Help?