07-17-2011, 03:33 PM
hi everyone,
have wanted to get some support/advice since last wendsday,and as per usual it takes a while to process thoughts and put it into language.
am sorry if it ends up being long which it probably will do-am not the best at putting written language together,but am just looking for some
support mainly.
-am going to be refering to staffs [as in support staffs],and residents whom shall be called [girl b],[guy a] and [guy b],we all live in a residential centre for people on the severe or profound spectrums of autism.
....last wendsday we had all gone out in the minibus for a ride out whilst one resident was being dropped off.
due to having a routine with seating; was sat in the back row with [girl b] as always.
was sat with head towards window,in a trance like state from the motion,its just a sensory trait.
with no warning or provoking at all,[girl b] starting taking small chunks of flesh out of upper arm with her nails; was quickly startled out of the trance by this,only to see [girl bs] arms flying towards head.
this instantly triggered a fight or flight response,and had blacked out at this point.
having a accute fight or flight response is a part of autism for many of us.
when was slowly coming around; was unable to see;was lying sort of side ways against the lowered back of the minibus chair infront and was hearing staff screaming jesus christ,what has she done that for.
when vision gradually came back, had looked around wondering where we were and what was going on,and had seen [girl b] stuck in the corner.
she was covered in blood.
had tried to lift self off the back of the chair but was in severe pain, and just ended up flopping over hand.
it was fairly obvious from the way it felt and looked that had fractured
some small bones in hand including a knuckle.
had looked at the rest of self and realised was covered in blood but it wasnt mine,well some of it was from the damage she had done but that was localised to arm.
was slowly piecing it together that had done something to [girl b].
staff were quickly trying to get her out of the back row,but they kept shouting to get out so they coud get her out.
was being practically restrained almost and made to move away from her but had had no hate towards her,they kept saying why had chosen to ignore them when they were shouting stop punching her,
and also said woud likely be moved to another place.
they thought her nose was broken and we all had to go together to the hospital to drop her and a staff off,while several from home drove up to go in with them and the rest of us coud go home.
was treated like crap by the staff that came up,and they were all over [girl b] like she is an innocent little girl who someone just chose to attack for no reason.
her nose wasnt broken.
-felt like utter crap,staff kept saying woud probably be moved now because of hitting back.
because was fully non verbal at the time;when we got home had pointed to wrist and even used PECS and typed out that hand/wrist was bad and they ignored it,so had felt perhaps this meant people are saying it was deserved and shoud shut up about it.
-our manager was on annual leave so the manager on the childrens side [we are an adults and childrens/teens centre] took over and got the whole story off the staffs who were in the mini bus, neither of them knew what was going on because one was driving and the other staff who was sat in the middle row was chatting to them,she only saw [girl b] being punched and that is how she put it to the manager.
had felt absolute crap.
it honestly felt like was hated by all staff and had hated self to.
to punish self had reached for some secretly stashed razor blade pieces and tore into this badly scarred flesh,had lost enough blood to feel dizzy but it quickly clotted.
next had gotten a airtight bag and a thin cable [or ligiture as they like to correct other staff with here] to tie around it and yeah well can guess the reason behind it.
had had enough,was going through a depressive episode though no one else knew about it,and had been retroactively diagnosed with lifelong RAD [reactive attachment disorder] last year,coudnt take anymore unpredictibility and moving.
the next day had found a cable and used that,also smashed head in on the wall.
but the manager came and had a long chat in the evening.
she said will be allowed to stay; but only if follow a few conditions,and if any of these were broken once-am going to be moved.
the conditions were:
a]type a letter to [girl bs] parents to say sorry and why it happened, she said to put about past in there to show partly why am likely to react like had done.
b]have to pay to replace the t shirt that [girl b] was wearing if all the blood doesnt come out. [it did come out].
c]was not allowed to go horse riding this week as punishment.
d]am not allowed to self harm in any form again.
-was totally fudged off because [girl b] had got away with no responsibility in this,plus it wasnt fair that was being forced to write a letter of apology to her parents when she didnt have to do one.
-woud likely have done one anyway but its the fact had been forced to that does it-everyone said its probably to legally cover themselves so that her parents dont remove her and they dont lose the contract as she brings in a lot of money.
the letter had also opened up a lot of long hidden memories that shoud have stayed away,was told to put in the school bullying and violent upbringing to.
those are very very sore points which am now being crippled by every day.
and have been head banging every day since a toddler [hence the reason may sometimes use photos of self in a helmet as have had a lot of brain and head injury due to banging,and can recall cutting as early as infant school [though back then it was using finger nails].
-so am not going to stop head banging and cutting is not going to stop
like that,its an absolute f-king stupid rule they come up with.
support staff agreed and got her to change the rule.
she put it on a contract and we both had to sign it.
one more thing though this isnt on the contract...am not allowed to sit in the same place in the minibus anymore,they said if want to be able to go out have got to sit in [girl bs] seat and she sit in mine.
their reasoning for this is that if she ever attacks again they can get her out.
have always sat in the same position-at the back left seat in any transport,its a lifetimes routine and they want to change it like that.
so yeah,aint gonna happen,had been stuck in bed every day all day last week because did not have the spare driving staff to go out.
everyone else was getting out on nice day trips every day including [girl b] as she gets extra funding thanks to coming from a richer borough.
every day am living this painful torture.
if anyone else has literally spent day after day after day with nothing to stimulate them,just the walls around them and the bad thoughts in head to go over and over,then will know how it feels.
am so fed up of this.
if anyone has read that,am very greatful-if anyone can relate at all to anything,please give own thoughts/experiences.
woud just like some interaction over this,am being driven insane by it.
cheers,
emma.
have wanted to get some support/advice since last wendsday,and as per usual it takes a while to process thoughts and put it into language.
am sorry if it ends up being long which it probably will do-am not the best at putting written language together,but am just looking for some
support mainly.
-am going to be refering to staffs [as in support staffs],and residents whom shall be called [girl b],[guy a] and [guy b],we all live in a residential centre for people on the severe or profound spectrums of autism.
....last wendsday we had all gone out in the minibus for a ride out whilst one resident was being dropped off.
due to having a routine with seating; was sat in the back row with [girl b] as always.
was sat with head towards window,in a trance like state from the motion,its just a sensory trait.
with no warning or provoking at all,[girl b] starting taking small chunks of flesh out of upper arm with her nails; was quickly startled out of the trance by this,only to see [girl bs] arms flying towards head.
this instantly triggered a fight or flight response,and had blacked out at this point.
having a accute fight or flight response is a part of autism for many of us.
when was slowly coming around; was unable to see;was lying sort of side ways against the lowered back of the minibus chair infront and was hearing staff screaming jesus christ,what has she done that for.
when vision gradually came back, had looked around wondering where we were and what was going on,and had seen [girl b] stuck in the corner.
she was covered in blood.
had tried to lift self off the back of the chair but was in severe pain, and just ended up flopping over hand.
it was fairly obvious from the way it felt and looked that had fractured
some small bones in hand including a knuckle.
had looked at the rest of self and realised was covered in blood but it wasnt mine,well some of it was from the damage she had done but that was localised to arm.
was slowly piecing it together that had done something to [girl b].
staff were quickly trying to get her out of the back row,but they kept shouting to get out so they coud get her out.
was being practically restrained almost and made to move away from her but had had no hate towards her,they kept saying why had chosen to ignore them when they were shouting stop punching her,
and also said woud likely be moved to another place.
they thought her nose was broken and we all had to go together to the hospital to drop her and a staff off,while several from home drove up to go in with them and the rest of us coud go home.
was treated like crap by the staff that came up,and they were all over [girl b] like she is an innocent little girl who someone just chose to attack for no reason.
her nose wasnt broken.
-felt like utter crap,staff kept saying woud probably be moved now because of hitting back.
because was fully non verbal at the time;when we got home had pointed to wrist and even used PECS and typed out that hand/wrist was bad and they ignored it,so had felt perhaps this meant people are saying it was deserved and shoud shut up about it.
-our manager was on annual leave so the manager on the childrens side [we are an adults and childrens/teens centre] took over and got the whole story off the staffs who were in the mini bus, neither of them knew what was going on because one was driving and the other staff who was sat in the middle row was chatting to them,she only saw [girl b] being punched and that is how she put it to the manager.
had felt absolute crap.
it honestly felt like was hated by all staff and had hated self to.
to punish self had reached for some secretly stashed razor blade pieces and tore into this badly scarred flesh,had lost enough blood to feel dizzy but it quickly clotted.
next had gotten a airtight bag and a thin cable [or ligiture as they like to correct other staff with here] to tie around it and yeah well can guess the reason behind it.
had had enough,was going through a depressive episode though no one else knew about it,and had been retroactively diagnosed with lifelong RAD [reactive attachment disorder] last year,coudnt take anymore unpredictibility and moving.
the next day had found a cable and used that,also smashed head in on the wall.
but the manager came and had a long chat in the evening.
she said will be allowed to stay; but only if follow a few conditions,and if any of these were broken once-am going to be moved.
the conditions were:
a]type a letter to [girl bs] parents to say sorry and why it happened, she said to put about past in there to show partly why am likely to react like had done.
b]have to pay to replace the t shirt that [girl b] was wearing if all the blood doesnt come out. [it did come out].
c]was not allowed to go horse riding this week as punishment.
d]am not allowed to self harm in any form again.
-was totally fudged off because [girl b] had got away with no responsibility in this,plus it wasnt fair that was being forced to write a letter of apology to her parents when she didnt have to do one.
-woud likely have done one anyway but its the fact had been forced to that does it-everyone said its probably to legally cover themselves so that her parents dont remove her and they dont lose the contract as she brings in a lot of money.
the letter had also opened up a lot of long hidden memories that shoud have stayed away,was told to put in the school bullying and violent upbringing to.
those are very very sore points which am now being crippled by every day.
and have been head banging every day since a toddler [hence the reason may sometimes use photos of self in a helmet as have had a lot of brain and head injury due to banging,and can recall cutting as early as infant school [though back then it was using finger nails].
-so am not going to stop head banging and cutting is not going to stop
like that,its an absolute f-king stupid rule they come up with.
support staff agreed and got her to change the rule.
she put it on a contract and we both had to sign it.
one more thing though this isnt on the contract...am not allowed to sit in the same place in the minibus anymore,they said if want to be able to go out have got to sit in [girl bs] seat and she sit in mine.
their reasoning for this is that if she ever attacks again they can get her out.
have always sat in the same position-at the back left seat in any transport,its a lifetimes routine and they want to change it like that.
so yeah,aint gonna happen,had been stuck in bed every day all day last week because did not have the spare driving staff to go out.
everyone else was getting out on nice day trips every day including [girl b] as she gets extra funding thanks to coming from a richer borough.
every day am living this painful torture.
if anyone else has literally spent day after day after day with nothing to stimulate them,just the walls around them and the bad thoughts in head to go over and over,then will know how it feels.
am so fed up of this.
if anyone has read that,am very greatful-if anyone can relate at all to anything,please give own thoughts/experiences.
woud just like some interaction over this,am being driven insane by it.
cheers,
emma.
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