04-30-2014, 06:54 AM
When I first got with my husband he never had to chase me down or woo me. I was interested from the start. He never got me flowers, never tried to romance me, or take me on real dates (I don't count going down to the bar as a date). Eventually he took me out to dinner a few times as I complained about it. As we spent more time together and I learned more about his past (and still stayed) he started daydreaming out loud about getting married. He would say "so, you wanna marry me?" and I would ask if that was a real proposal (to which I would have said "YES!!"), but he would say that no, it wasn't. I ended up spending a week with him, and after I went back home he decided that he didn't want to have to be without me and asked me to move in. I told him I would on the understanding that we would be getting married at some point soon after and he agreed. Months went by without his "official proposal", but I foolishly assumed he wanted to get married, or else he wouldn't have ever brought it up. A couple months before I found out that he had been talking to other girls online (and possibly on the phone). I confronted him and he said (eventually, when he finally came to terms with the fact he couldn't lie his way out of it) he had stopped back in the summer. So I started discussing the details of our wedding with him, to which he would respond that he didn't want to talk about it, and that it stressed him out to think about it. He would later apologize for it, but it continued like that (back and forth) until about 2 weeks before we got married. Our wedding day was perfect! He cried and everything! For the first time in our whole relationship I felt like he really and truly wanted to be with ME, just me. The days following the wedding were just as perfect, he was thoughtful, caring, considerate. Over time (not very much time) he went back to "normal". We found out that I was pregnant 2 months after we married. I was excited....he was not. Every time we fight he threatens to leave me. And of course ALL of our fights are completely MY fault too! He apologizes and says he didn't mean it, but it's always on my mind now. I'm pregnant and tired and nauseous and emotional. I have no contingency plan for if this doesn't work out. I feel more and more like he hates that I exist, even when we aren't fighting. I feel worthless and miserable. I don't think that he loves me or ever did. I think he was living in a fantasy, and unfortunately I'm a real person.