Getting this off my chest... [Long]

[Νinja]

Before you post, realize, I don't want help, I don't want support. I just want to get this off my chest. I don't want to repair my relationship with my father, nor do I want to even let him know how I really feel or think. I just wish to shut him out after I go to college.

You question my selfishness, I question my existence. Not in a suicidal way, but agnostically. You query as to why I only care about myself, and hate my 'excuses'. Yet you're the freakin one making excuses. You never think you're the problem in my life. You're the freakin one who's made me like this. You say other kids help their parents, yet I've never had the freakin opportunity when you've always been independent, only home for dinner. You wonder why I am the way I am when it's the only logical outcome spending years independently, only having to care for myself. Why should I start now dad? Having spent years caring for myself, in the shadow of my brother, always getting attention for his bullshit disorders. I believe I was forced to be this way. As a child my daily routine was school, dinner, bed. I barely had a father figure around, only to pay my bills and be that invisible inspiration. As a child, one respects and wishes to be their father. You were always gone, working. How was I supposed to take that as a illogical child? I clearly thought you were only caring about yourself by barely being there. Clearly, as a role model, that would have spread to me. As a child, I was always guided to be independent, and doing-so, I was often questioned as being selfish, yet I was trying to remove the need for anyone else, the dependency, so I could be self-sufficient, like you. I do things on my own, get good grades because I'm independent. That's what you taught me as a father, independence. I wasn't ever able to do much for you, because you were hardly around. I was with my brother and mother. My brother, I had hidden jealousy for because he was always with his friends, I felt he was the favorite because he was always talked about, always the center of attention with his 'disorders', 'problems', and other bullshit. Following jealousy came resentment. Living with resentment towards my brother, and soon-to-come mother, after I left her house. Not only was MIA father a factor, but forcing me to move back in with Mom, surely didn't help. That only made me resent and believe you didn't care about me more. Barely seeing my father, only for dinner, the man paying the bills, the supposed 'role-model'. For you to not see why I am the way I am is freakin pathetic. You're the one making excuses. You think I'm a little crap who only cares about himself, yet you're not questioning yourself. You think you're and were doing your job by providing for us, yet, all I really needed was your attention and guidance. By pestering and pressuring for good grades, that was the most important thing to me in my youth. Having such a high pressure of maintaining good grades, MIA father, and resentment... You think you 'know' me. But clearly you freakin don't. Having no one to rely on for 'emotional' support, but to keep it bottled up, I'd have resentment for just about anyone. Forcing me to go to therapy, only made it worse. It only made me hate everyone and everything. It only made me care less and less about everything and everybody. My favorite masks to wear are happiness, gratitude, and love. When you ask if I plan to take care of you when you're old, and needy. That just makes me freakin scream. Mother was the one, i think, who was always taking care of me, you're the one who wanted the abortion. You hardly took care of me, so why should I?

You talking about leaving the country when I'm 18 doesn't freakin help either. Who's there to back me up. Having a bunch of different girlfriends, makes you an unstable character in my life. You usually give most of your time to woman, disregarding your children, from my eyes. By talking about leaving the country tells me you are only taking care of me until you're no longer legally bounded to. It tells me you don't care. Growing up, being told these things, experiencing these things, it's ridiculous for you to even ask why I'm the way I am. When I was younger, and you used to lose your temper, that clearly didn't help. That just made me resent you, and everyone else. When I threatened to kill myself at the young age of 7-9, and you gave me the knife, telling me to do it. How freakin big of an impact do you think that made on me you freakin butthead? You freakin wonder why I don't care about anyone else, yet you freakin gave me a tool telling me to freakin 'DO IT'? fudge YOU. You pay for most of my crap, expecting me to love, care, and respect you. Respect, love, and care is made through human interaction. When you were absent most of the time, that is a hard quality to earn. Later in my life, you say now that your around more, you're learning more about me, and how I'm selfish. Are YOU freakin SERIOUS. Now that you're home more often you just expect me to freakin care about you and your retarded whores that you fudge. When you told me your ex said she asked about me, you expect me to admit that was nice of her? She never freakin even talked, or developed a relationship with me. She fudged you. That's all I ever knew about her. I believe that's why you started thinking about me in this way, is because I didn't care about her, when I have no freakin reason to. She's a married women. How am I supposed to respect or care for someone who cheats on her husband, no matter the situation. Know that you're learning about me, you think I'm selfish. Seriously. That's bullshit.. Are you even freakin thinking? That false respect you think I have for you. I don't respect you. I fear you mostly. As a young child, you were the most violent and anger filled person in my life. That impacted me clearly, by developing an underlying fear of you. That's why you'll never freakin see this. I can't get it out of my head. "Now that I'm home more often, I'm learning a lot more about you. And how you're selfish." You don't know how much I was restraining myself from going off on you. IS THAT the respect? NO. That's the fear you implanted in me from my youth. I hold back tears whenever you 'hate' or get angry with me, because my childish fears suddenly rush through me. The only good thing that really came from you, was the pressure I put on myself to succeed in school. The way you treat my brother, how highly you regarded grades. That's one of few pros I view I gained from you. You pay for my car, my food, whatever. You expect me to help you out, when you've been ALWAYS there to pay for crap for me. How can you expect me to automatically want to help out, when I've had everything handed to me, with just a theoretical view of who you actually are. Clearly speaking upon the past. Here I am. Left dull. Left 'careless'.

Now, how about you go fudge yourself.