03-22-2013, 02:23 PM
Hello Everyone,
This is the first time I post a story but I decided that I needed to have someone listen to me before my inner turmoil and depression eat at me. I have no one to talk to. I had one very close friend but our relationship fell apart and now I am completely alone. Let me back up a little and tell you who I am. I am a 19 year old muslim girl living in Egypt and I have never felt like I don't belong as much as I feel towards Egyptians and 'our' culture. My parents are strict muslims (as are most Egyptians) but they believed that education was an important part of life and so they invested A LOT of money (we are not rich) into me and my brothers' education by sending us to an "international school" where they were using a similar curriculum to the one being used in the US. My teachers were mostly foreign and although the international students constituted very little of the overall student body, most of my friends were foreign. I was always a shy girl and had very few friends but I managed to live a fairly happy life till I reached the age of 17. At that age I was finishing my senior year of high school and I was known to be amongst the very few students who got good grades and I had one very close friend. My mom then suddenly got sick and had to leave the country for treatment (health care in our country beyond sucks), needless to say that it was very costly and really put a strain on our family emotionally. When she came back (after 5 months) it was during the time when applications for US colleges were due. I had finished all my applications, written all my essays, gotten all the paper work ready and all I needed to do was to pay the application fee in order to send in my applications. My parents, who had previously promised to take studying abroad into consideration, all of a sudden completely rebuffed the idea and refused to let me send in my applications. I was very worried about my mother at the time and glad to see her that I did not persist. After that I sunk into a great depression that for some reason caused me to open my eyes for all the things that are wrong with my country. I noticed how much Egyptians (and by my experiences Arabs as well) are incredibly hateful and judgmental. I noticed how intolerant and unforgiving they are. I noticed how hypocritical and sexist they are. I noticed how irrational and racist they are and I started to resent them ever so slightly. In January 2011, the Egyptian revolution took place and we lived in a time full of fear and worry. We would hear stories about thugs who would kill people, rape women and destroy properties. We couldn't leave the house without being harassed and then blamed for being harassed! My slight resentment grew into full blown hatred towards my people and my culture. I had always felt different from the people around me but I never realized how different I truly was until that time. From then on, I have this horrible feeling at the pit of my stomach and I don't know if I can take it much longer. I simply cannot live in this country. I don't know how to interact with the people, I hate how men treat me. I hate how the government is defining my role as a woman is to marry and produce offsprings. I hate how no one understands me because their culture is so different than mine. I feel like I am in a state of ambiguity where I do not feel like I belong in my country and yet I also do not belong to any other country! I am afraid to speak my mind. I am afraid to have feelings or be affectionate to a boy for fear of being arrested. I am afraid to admit that I do not think that homosexuality is wrong for fear of being disowned. I am afraid to tell my parents that I do not agree with all the teachings of Islam for fear they might hate me forever. I want to leave and I don't know how. I have applied for a transfer to a New York university but I do not think I will get in and now my biggest fear is that what I might do to myself if I indeed do not get in. I am now afraid for my life.
This is the first time I post a story but I decided that I needed to have someone listen to me before my inner turmoil and depression eat at me. I have no one to talk to. I had one very close friend but our relationship fell apart and now I am completely alone. Let me back up a little and tell you who I am. I am a 19 year old muslim girl living in Egypt and I have never felt like I don't belong as much as I feel towards Egyptians and 'our' culture. My parents are strict muslims (as are most Egyptians) but they believed that education was an important part of life and so they invested A LOT of money (we are not rich) into me and my brothers' education by sending us to an "international school" where they were using a similar curriculum to the one being used in the US. My teachers were mostly foreign and although the international students constituted very little of the overall student body, most of my friends were foreign. I was always a shy girl and had very few friends but I managed to live a fairly happy life till I reached the age of 17. At that age I was finishing my senior year of high school and I was known to be amongst the very few students who got good grades and I had one very close friend. My mom then suddenly got sick and had to leave the country for treatment (health care in our country beyond sucks), needless to say that it was very costly and really put a strain on our family emotionally. When she came back (after 5 months) it was during the time when applications for US colleges were due. I had finished all my applications, written all my essays, gotten all the paper work ready and all I needed to do was to pay the application fee in order to send in my applications. My parents, who had previously promised to take studying abroad into consideration, all of a sudden completely rebuffed the idea and refused to let me send in my applications. I was very worried about my mother at the time and glad to see her that I did not persist. After that I sunk into a great depression that for some reason caused me to open my eyes for all the things that are wrong with my country. I noticed how much Egyptians (and by my experiences Arabs as well) are incredibly hateful and judgmental. I noticed how intolerant and unforgiving they are. I noticed how hypocritical and sexist they are. I noticed how irrational and racist they are and I started to resent them ever so slightly. In January 2011, the Egyptian revolution took place and we lived in a time full of fear and worry. We would hear stories about thugs who would kill people, rape women and destroy properties. We couldn't leave the house without being harassed and then blamed for being harassed! My slight resentment grew into full blown hatred towards my people and my culture. I had always felt different from the people around me but I never realized how different I truly was until that time. From then on, I have this horrible feeling at the pit of my stomach and I don't know if I can take it much longer. I simply cannot live in this country. I don't know how to interact with the people, I hate how men treat me. I hate how the government is defining my role as a woman is to marry and produce offsprings. I hate how no one understands me because their culture is so different than mine. I feel like I am in a state of ambiguity where I do not feel like I belong in my country and yet I also do not belong to any other country! I am afraid to speak my mind. I am afraid to have feelings or be affectionate to a boy for fear of being arrested. I am afraid to admit that I do not think that homosexuality is wrong for fear of being disowned. I am afraid to tell my parents that I do not agree with all the teachings of Islam for fear they might hate me forever. I want to leave and I don't know how. I have applied for a transfer to a New York university but I do not think I will get in and now my biggest fear is that what I might do to myself if I indeed do not get in. I am now afraid for my life.