12-14-2011, 04:13 PM
There are times when someone you are with who you have relatively compatible feelings for, such as a: friend/coworker/intermediate family member/etc, who may be holding a weight on their chest and feel you are the person they could tell, "their friend recently died", "their dog passed away", "there mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer" or such examples. To some this may deflect away from them because it does not directly relate to their lives, but sooner or later we all experience some forms of personal struggle. And for others this is a moment when you would like to comfort your friend, but you could be struggling with how to respond.
When your friend tells you this, out of the blue, you may feel awkward or scared, sad, lost for words, confused, even disappointed. I thought with my experiences and some past training I would give you a few tricks I have learned over the years.
1. One of the first things I already know I am going to say is, "I'm sorry to hear that".
I don't think there has ever been a time this did not go over well. I started using it probably 5 years ago. Back then I would say it immediately because I was not seasoned with 'how' to say it. As the time has gone on, however, I have been able to time it better. Asking a few not too hard questions, maybe a sigh of understanding, or even a small analogy of my own similar experience. When the moment is right, there is still something missing- "I'm sorry to hear that". Feels like a moment of a kind of closure.
2. Death is a part of life
A very important key to remember when someone is terribly longing to see their loved one is to help them focus on LIFE. Death is as much a part of life as being alive. It is not so much "the end" of life as much as it is the "start" of a new life. But this is not always enough to help soothe your friend aching. We all go there. Remember to not be over bearing. You don not need to lecture anyone or convince them of this because maybe they will disagree right then and that is natural reaction. Just be a reminder to them, and let their healing create the direction of your words.
3. You do not need to talk too much. The focus should be about them and their feelings, not yours.
At the moment you may feel stricken with anxiety, like you MUST make your friend feel better. This is fine, but be careful not to say something offensive, or even worse some inappropriate joke. If you do by mistake, stop- even in mid sentence- and apologize. Rest your hand on their shoulder and say you did not mean to joke, and they will understand.
This moment is about THEM. They just need to hear themselves 'say it'. Your job as a friend is to listen, and be an energy they feel is human. We are alive, they are missing someone who is not, they feel a different level of existence than you at this moment. Just breathe and try to give them the peace that life has to offer. A different subject matter should not be far off from discussion.
4. Moving on
When You have told them, "I am sorry to hear that", "death is a part of life", and listened to what it is they have had to say about how they feel and who they are feeling that way for, it is time to let it go.
You have to remind them that life is about living. That right now is important-- their lives are just as important, and that person, or pet, or anything, needs them to keep living. What matters in life is the relationships you have, the choices you make, and your overall physical and mental health. Some say everything happens for a reason, some might disagree. What matters is that you can become a role model for your friend. Because you wont make it hurt any worse, even if you cant make them feel better, and to help ease them into something they have to deal with either way; for better or worse. Take some of these lessons and apply to your own life. You may begin to understand what it is like to be in someone else shoes than your own.
When your friend tells you this, out of the blue, you may feel awkward or scared, sad, lost for words, confused, even disappointed. I thought with my experiences and some past training I would give you a few tricks I have learned over the years.
1. One of the first things I already know I am going to say is, "I'm sorry to hear that".
I don't think there has ever been a time this did not go over well. I started using it probably 5 years ago. Back then I would say it immediately because I was not seasoned with 'how' to say it. As the time has gone on, however, I have been able to time it better. Asking a few not too hard questions, maybe a sigh of understanding, or even a small analogy of my own similar experience. When the moment is right, there is still something missing- "I'm sorry to hear that". Feels like a moment of a kind of closure.
2. Death is a part of life
A very important key to remember when someone is terribly longing to see their loved one is to help them focus on LIFE. Death is as much a part of life as being alive. It is not so much "the end" of life as much as it is the "start" of a new life. But this is not always enough to help soothe your friend aching. We all go there. Remember to not be over bearing. You don not need to lecture anyone or convince them of this because maybe they will disagree right then and that is natural reaction. Just be a reminder to them, and let their healing create the direction of your words.
3. You do not need to talk too much. The focus should be about them and their feelings, not yours.
At the moment you may feel stricken with anxiety, like you MUST make your friend feel better. This is fine, but be careful not to say something offensive, or even worse some inappropriate joke. If you do by mistake, stop- even in mid sentence- and apologize. Rest your hand on their shoulder and say you did not mean to joke, and they will understand.
This moment is about THEM. They just need to hear themselves 'say it'. Your job as a friend is to listen, and be an energy they feel is human. We are alive, they are missing someone who is not, they feel a different level of existence than you at this moment. Just breathe and try to give them the peace that life has to offer. A different subject matter should not be far off from discussion.
4. Moving on
When You have told them, "I am sorry to hear that", "death is a part of life", and listened to what it is they have had to say about how they feel and who they are feeling that way for, it is time to let it go.
You have to remind them that life is about living. That right now is important-- their lives are just as important, and that person, or pet, or anything, needs them to keep living. What matters in life is the relationships you have, the choices you make, and your overall physical and mental health. Some say everything happens for a reason, some might disagree. What matters is that you can become a role model for your friend. Because you wont make it hurt any worse, even if you cant make them feel better, and to help ease them into something they have to deal with either way; for better or worse. Take some of these lessons and apply to your own life. You may begin to understand what it is like to be in someone else shoes than your own.