Critique my writing (HP fanfics!)

[zerpkiller]

It's actually fanfiction (Harry Potter fanfiction), and as such I've published them on fanfiction.net.

So, there a short one that I'd like you to read, and then a WIP which I think sucks.

The short one:

Unrequited Soliloquy
Summary: Albus Severus Potter takes a look back at his life, unaware that somebody is listening. One-shot, and contains character death.

And the work-in-progress:

The Darkness Within
Summary: In this fanfiction, Albus Severus Potter is a special boy: he can communicate with the Elder Wand. However, not everything is as it seems... is there a darker truth beneath the apparent surface? During the course of Albus' fifth year, he will have to face off against Death Eaters, and deal with Scorpius Malfoy and Maxien Zabini (the son of Blaise Zabini). And then there's this whisper... just a whisper, about a Horcrux...

So yeah, I don't really like the beginning chapters of TDW for some reason. I like it better after chapter 10.
If you guys could leave some reviews on my stories (review button at the bottom of the chapters) that'd be really helpful!

[Mr. President]

Very good descriptive storys i liked the first one the best but the second one was good too. For the second you should create your own setting instead of creating one within the potter world.
i think it would have a fresher felling to it!
first one was great though=)