Not Creative Writing, but need C&C / Proofread

[Astrael]

Wrote this essay as a college transfer essay. Need some C&C / feedback / someone to proof read. Thanks guys.

I do not know where to begin. These last two years have been quite a ride to say the least. I have been trying to work my way up a college chain in order to finally move away from home and get an education. I have been commuting to school and I must say that it feels very lacking in terms of fulfillment of the “college experience.”

Now, based off the preceding paragraph, one might be thinking: “Okay, but why Pitt?” Well, I’d be lying if I said Pitt was the only school I applied to. It would be foolish of me to put all my eggs in one basket, per say. However, Pitt is my first choice and if accepted I would, without a doubt, be going to Pitt. There is just something alluring about Pittsburgh, its essence, as a whole, is simply breathtaking. I have had a fascination with the city of Pittsburgh since I was young; always selecting their sports teams in sports videogames. I cannot explain why I feel this way, all I can say is that I am drawn to Pitt and would very much like to attend.

At this point I believe I should be addressing why I, despite my GPA, should be accepted. This is hard to explain in a matter that does not sound absolutely crazy. I suppose the easiest way would be to say that I am a risk taker. Time spent worrying about failure is time wasted. This is not to say that I will jump into any situation without fear of failure, but rather that if I have an idea that I believe is good then I will attempt to turn that idea into a plan, and hopefully implement that plan and turn it into something real.

I spend a lot of time reading and writing about personal development. In fact, I actually run a website devoted to helping people with various subjects, including personal development. Web Design is one of my various skills because when I have an idea there is usually a large amount of learning involved when trying to implement that idea. Some of the things I have learned, and some of the programs I have worked with involve: Programming languages C++, Java, Python, HTML, PHP, and Javascript. I have used the programs Photoshop, Corel, GIMP, Sony Vegas, Adobe After Effects, Blender, Cinema4D, as well as a variety of less popular products. I primarily focus on video editing and graphic design.

I suppose that I have rambled a bit, but I would not necessarily say that is a bad thing. Essentially what I would like to get across is that I do a lot of learning outside of the classroom. I have a weekly schedule where I go to the gym, and am working on building my self-discipline. I do not smoke or drink. I have done a lot of freelance graphic designing. I design, run, and maintain my own websites, some of which have generated over a thousand dollars in profit. I love Photoshop, and art in general, graphic design is one of my favorite hobbies. We are living in an era of technology, and I am very ‘tech savvy’ to say the least. People are only just now learning about the true potential of the internet in terms of marketing and monetizing, and I have been tapping into that resource for years now. I would really, truly, love to attend Pittsburgh for the remainder of my college career, and I hope that this essay has somewhat enlightened you to the person you may be accepting today.

[Swat Runs Train]

2nd paragraph, 3rd line:

something alluring about Pittsburgh, its essence, as a whole,

Missing an apostrophe in the "it's".

[Astrael]

2nd paragraph, 3rd line:

Missing an apostrophe in the "it's".

No. "it's" would be it is.

[Swat Runs Train]

No. "it's" would be it is.

No, it's is also a possesive term, so when you say it's essence, you are saying it belongs to something.

[Astrael]

No, it's is also a possesive term, so when you say it's essence, you are saying it belongs to something.

Can't tell if you're trolling or if that's what you honestly believe. :l

It's = it is
its = possessive

[Swat Runs Train]

Can't tell if you're trolling or if that's what you honestly believe. :l

It's = it is
its = possessive

Perhaps I've been out of school for too long lol.

[Astrael]

Perhaps I've been out of school for too long lol.

lol, it's all good. At least you tried XD

[Swat Runs Train]

lol, it's all good. At least you tried XD

I would change this:

have grossed over a thousand dollars in profit

Gross is generally referring to total money brought in before expenses and overhead are subtracted, profit being the resulting figure so it doesn't make sense to use both to refer to the same amount of money.

I would also replace:

I have used the programs

With either:

I have experience with these programs...

Or

I have used many programs, including...

[Astrael]

I would change this:

have grossed over a thousand dollars in profit

Gross is generally referring to total money brought in before expenses and overhead are subtracted, profit being the resulting figure so it doesn't make sense to use both to refer to the same amount of money.

Switched to generated.