Personality problem

[NekoChan]

Okai, I never really talked about with anyone, other than my bestfriend, his gf and my ex.

Hmm, how to say this. Im just wondering what to do. I have to 2 personalitys. Im pretty sure its not a disorder or anything like that. Well here is my story.

At first, I was a normal kid, who got bullied alot in school and off school. I had a rough childhood, beated up constantly, then I started bonding with a popular dude from our school and got beat up less. He was kinda bad guy type. With him I started drinking, smoking, stealing, breaking in to cafes and what not. I got beat up by him too rarely, when we had an huge argument. Cuz he was very strong, but I had kinda like "no fear" phase or what ever. Well, then I started bonding with a friend, who is my bestfriend and have been over 6 years. He is much stronger dude, so beatings stoped, when I started bonding with him, he is not popualar at all tho. I started being like him, he was kinda role model to me. I stoped caring about others opinions, went very lazy and laid back, and got less violence, now I even hate violence. Well, here is the problem. At first I was a violent and a dark dude, who got beat up alot. Then I started pressin my emotions down and new emotions up. Now Im 2 sided, whenever I go out. Sometimes Im very evil, sometimes very friendly and warm. But recently with all the crap I deal with, my "evil" side is taking over more and more. If somebody outside "fucks" with my friend, my evil self takes over instantly. Meditations and nothing help but yeah, my depressing or "evil" side is taking over and I don't like it. Even if I think about changing like that, I can feel the adrealin and power growing in me.

Lets say, if Im in my peacful said, all life is sacred for me, and I would sacrifice my own life to save a animal or anything really.
With my "evil" side, I would kill anybody or don't care about deaths and all that. But online, I my evil side have never occured.

Sry for this being epic long.

[Fragma]

I have a similar problem.. For me, I have a slight personality change when I'm at college to when I'm at home or out with mates around my estate.. If I'm at college, I'm a nicer person, I'm more caring & considerate. When I'm out with other mates, I get into trouble, I feel a bit more angry, & the constant getting into trouble sometimes leads to feeling a little bit depressed.

I think this is pretty normal & probably, the same happens with a lot of people...

Although I think if you're starting to feel like you could kill anybody, you really need to figure out whats causing you to feel like this & try to do something about it.

Sorry If I'm not much help.

[NekoChan]

Yes, that is normal what you feel. You feel different around with your friends when ur out.

But its not the same for me, its really like I could snap anytime. And yes, Im afraid I could and will kill somebody like that.

[Sam]

Perhaps you do have dual personalities? If you feel like you can snap anytime.

[Elektrisk]

Well, does your personality change based on your environment? This is very common. But, you should adjust your "evil" personality. First, stop calling it "evil". That just fuels the fire. It's just an alternative personality. Everyone has different "moods". No one always has the same personality, if you understand what I mean. You need to identify what puts you in these moods. Is it being with your friend? Well, really, having different personalities isn't a bad thing. But, when one personality drives you to break the law and do criminal activities and such, then it becomes a problem. When you realize you are going to do something bad, you need to check yourself. In truth, no one is forcing you to do anything. You know that. You can't blame it on your personality if you do something like break into a café.

Let's say your alternate personality encourages you to beat up a guy weaker than you. You need to put yourself in that guy's shoes. You have been in his place before. Think about how your actions are going to affect others before committing them. If you are just going to beat up this guy (hypothetically) for fun, then don't, 'cause clearly he isn't going to be having fun when it happens.

Then, let's say that it's something not as harmful, like cussing at a random guy on the street. Think about that.. it might even ruin his day. Not everyone is impervious to other people's words. In fact, most people aren't, no matter what they say. Words can hurt just as much as fists, if not more. Bruises are temporary, but memories don't just fade. If you mess with a guy and call him a jerkgot and stuff like that, he's gonna remember it for years to come. I used to get harassed by guys in 8th grade (two years ago) and I still remember what they would say verbatim. You don't just forget things like that.

You learn Tai Chi, right? OK, well, after seeing some of your threads, I assume you are a spiritual person. You need to learn how to harness this bad energy that is manifesting into an alternate personality. How do you feel when you are occupied by your alternate personality? After all, your body is just a shell.. it's your spirit that gives it life, right? Your spirit dictates what your body will do. This bad energy in your being is causing you to do bad things, from what it sounds like. Do you really wnat to go through life as an apathetic guy? To be honest, I would much rather be close to a guy who was friendly, as you described your first personality to be.

Having your first personality occupy your body all the time will be hard, but once you grow out of puberty, it'll become easier. Mood swings are not uncommon during adolescence. I don't have them as much anymore, but I used to have them bad when I was like 13.

Good luck.

[NekoChan]

Its not a mood, its hard to explain. But yeah, if I have a "evil" personality, idc about things like him being in my shoes or anything. I do before I think. Sometime Im just evil out of nothing. Im yes a spiritual person. Im like a monk or something. Thasts really helping me out of that darkness. The madness in my body is growing.

1 time, I was in school, trying to chill alone and listen to music with my mp3. Some brat was trying to cool infront of his class, trying to curs me and what not. I ignored him alot, I finnaly told me if he bothers me more, it won't turn out good. He bothered me again, and I threw him against the wall across the room. Then he just walked away.

But you may be right Elektrisk, who knows.

Thnx for the help tho, guys. Much appriciated ^_^

[majordave]

The yin and yang relationship of extreme opposite polarities exists in all of nature, fitting together as integral elements of a greater whole, balancing each other out. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. With few exceptions, no one is truely "all good" or "all evil." All of us contain elements of both. We all have some traits of practically every mental illness and disorder that exists, and it's actually critical to our very survival. Without vanity, we would have no ambition.

"Without evil, there is no good." Evil is necessary for good to even exist as a concept, if for no other reason than to provide us with a basis for comparison. No true joy without sorrow. No emotion without indifference.

Our emotional nature as human beings, makes it very difficult, even close to impossible to acheive and maintain a perfect balance. Our inner pendulum, swings in one direction, and then to the other. Sometimes we swing too far in one direction, and then seek to compensate. However in doing so, we often overcompensate, swinging too far in the opposite extreme.

I think the problem you may be facing is that you were too good, too mild, too meek, and as a result you got bullied. You had all you could take, and sought to correct the situation. You did this by finding someone who could help you become more assertive. And it worked too! But unfortunately, a little too well, and now you fear that you're becoming what you dispised.

The journey to finding your balance is actually the journey towards acheiving wisdom. That you recognize this problem within yourself is a major step towards this goal.

I wish you the best of luck!