Jumbled up venting

[matt]

I'm just writing this to get my thoughts out in text.

My mind is my worst enemy. I think too much, and it feels like I'm disconnected from reality whenever I'm outside. I'm in my head way too much, just thinking way too much. It's a burden, because that interferes with socialization and other things. I'm not bad at socializing, per say, but I'm always in my mind and never take the opportunities. Where do you go when your mind is your worst enemy? I strain to always better myself mentally. The more I learn about the world, the more I feel like offing myself. I constantly try to maintain my sanity and a perfect persona when on the inside of my mind It's like I'm having WW3 in it. I have nasty, nasty thoughts. But then again, is knowing too much a bad thing? My only problem is knowing too much and being self-aware. Whenever I look at a tree, I don't think about "Ahh, how beautiful is that?" I think "Paper is made from trees, there's lots of forests and tons of different types of trees" I basically think about every freakin aspect of the tree instead of simply seeing it as a beautiful thing. The worst part is dreaming. Oh man. It just unlocks pandora's box and unleashes all of the crap I wish I had and have desired for, and teases me with it. I wake up sometimes and smash my head into the wall because of this. I feel my sanity slipping away second by second. I hate everyone in the modern world, but at the same time I'm searching for something beautiful. Did you ever reach that point when you realized you're nothing in this world and you're not significant? You're not special and a God doesn't have some special plan for you? You see people who don't deserve to be in power, in power. You see injustice all around you, and people who don't deserve it rising to fame, glory, and wealth. You thought your life was a movie with happy beginning to ending, but it's just a piece of crap vicious cycle of natural selection and injustice. You realize that the movies you've watched as a kid have tricked you into believing that "everything will turn out alright".

[Mayhem]

I'm going to do my best to help you:

"My mind is my worst enemy. I think too much, and it feels like I'm disconnected from reality whenever I'm outside. I'm in my head way too much, just thinking way too much. It's a burden, because that interferes with socialization and other things. I'm not bad at socializing, per say, but I'm always in my mind and never take the opportunities. Where do you go when your mind is your worst enemy?"

I experience something like that as well. Sometimes I feel my head is screaming and that everything I say and hear seems as if everyone's shouting. Sometimes I want to lock the world away and go into my head. Where my dreams keep me happy and safe. Where everything seems great. About the disconnected feeling, it happens very commonly to me. A lot of times my classmates see me gazing at nothing, when I'm thinking a lot and start waving in front of my face trying to bring me back. What you have is not a curse though. Where do you go when your mind is your worst enemy? For one thing keep away from your dreams. Try to stay awake and aware. Your dreams is your mind conjuring visual pictures trying to keep you from the real world and it's problems. It may seem a good thing but it's not. It's restricting you and your abilities as well. Get together with friends if you're having problems and want to stay away from your mind. Go to parties, watch movies, listen to music, read books. etc. There is a world of things you can do but your mind is stopping you. Maybe you're not getting proper sleep as well.
Loss of sleep can cause problems. Trust me. Thinking too much isn't a bad thing. It's Gods gift to you. Use it. In the morning and/or evening, take some time to think on what you want. Go on the internet if you want to check something. Give some time to yourself when no one is there. But when in public stay aware. You need to control your brain. It doesn't control YOU!

"I strain to always better myself mentally. The more I learn about the world, the more I feel like offing myself. I constantly try to maintain my sanity and a perfect persona when on the inside of my mind It's like I'm having WW3 in it. I have nasty, nasty thoughts. But then again, is knowing too much a bad thing? My only problem is knowing too much and being self-aware."

There is no need to strain yourself. But to improve yourself mentally is a good thing. Like I mentioned above(the screaming/shouting-ness I feel), I have WW3 time to time as well. But that's alright. God made no man perfect. Nasty thoughts? Well we must be related because I get nasty thoughts 24/7. Hell they are wicked and demented time to time. Sometimes I feel like killing someone, just to know how it feels to kill. But do I? No. Why? Due to Self-control. Something which you can easily achieve if you try. Knowing too much is not a bad thing, it's good. It helps you look at the world in a new light and you understand things. Self awareness is a VERY good thing. Be VERY happy! Not many people are aware too much.

"Whenever I look at a tree, I don't think about "Ahh, how beautiful is that?" I think "Paper is made from trees, there's lots of forests and tons of different types of trees" I basically think about every freakin aspect of the tree instead of simply seeing it as a beautiful thing."

Same here. I think about a lot of things that happen because, by and to trees. But I manage to enjoy it's beauty as well. I would suggest going camping for that. Somewhere really green. And if that doesn't help, then it's alright! You have a different way of seeing things. You are NOT weird for thinking that way. You are actually unique, in a good way.

"The worst part is dreaming. Oh man. It just unlocks pandora's box and unleashes all of the crap I wish I had and have desired for, and teases me with it. I wake up sometimes and smash my head into the wall because of this. I feel my sanity slipping away second by second."

Read my reply to you on a different thread:
http://www.supportforums.net/showthread.php?tid=20439

"I hate everyone in the modern world, but at the same time I'm searching for something beautiful. Did you ever reach that point when you realized you're nothing in this world and you're not significant? You're not special and a God doesn't have some special plan for you?"

There is beauty everywhere, in the singing of the birds, music, the way a poet or author describes something so well. There are different forms of beauty but you'll need to clear your mind a bit to see it. You're not significant? Absolute S***. Everyone thing and everyone is significant in this world. Look at Charles Babbage, the inventor of the computer due to which we have progressed so far. He didn't think he was insignificant did he? If he wanted, he could have stayed locked up in his room and stayed away from the world. But he didn't did he? He faced it and became famous and successful. No one is insignificant. Not by a long shot. God doesn't have plans for you and you have no purpose? Why the heck did he let you be born? Why have you lived so long then? You could have died years ago if God had no plans for you. He has plenty of plans for you, that's why he gave you such a beautiful mind to go out and do what you need to. To fulfill your destiny. Think of the poor people born without properly functioning brains! God gave you your brain for a reason. You don't have any permanently broken body part or you didn't lose a limb did you? NO! You have a fully functioning body for a reason. But it's up to you whether or not you want to put it to use.

"You see people who don't deserve to be in power, in power. You see injustice all around you, and people who don't deserve it rising to fame, glory, and wealth."

That's Life. There will be injustice. People who don't deserve it will rise. But for what reason? They aren't taking all the stuff with them when they die are they? No, they're straight going to hell. God makes it tough for those who work hard to keep them hardworking and good. So many movies and stories where the hardworking poor man gets lucky and rich and later turns bad. It's all true. There are few genuinely good rich people out there.

"You thought your life was a movie with happy beginning to ending, but it's just a piece of crap vicious cycle of natural selection and injustice. You realize that the movies you've watched as a kid have tricked you into believing that "everything will turn out alright"."

No one said life will be happy beginning till end. Whoever did is a fool. In the movies as well, not one time did it start well for anyone. It started bad and then things got better because of hard work and good character. In the movies where it starts good, it turns bad usually due to the opposite reasons.

It's all up to you bro. Do what you feel is right. I hope I helped in some way. Best of luck!

[Qwazz]

If I were you I'd just throw yourself out there, it sounds like your almost afraid you may embarrass yourself. When in reality you'll be fine people don't remember every small event, they remember the people they share moments with. Would you rather be remembered or the guy who just sat there and didn't say anything?