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Help - Sufferinginsecret - 05-21-2015
I grew up in an abusive household. I can still remember my mom twist pinching the middle of my arm because she was upset over something trivial, and it leaving a huge bruise. I told my grandma, but nothing ever came of it. I remember her telling me ever since I was a young child that if I didn't behave that police officer is going to get you, or that teacher is going to get you, that "person in authority" will do something to me. She even used to call me fat as early as the age 11. I was a tiny 80 pound girl but she found ways to make me feel sad.
I used to be such a free spirit before all of this. I used to climb trees, rollerblade down my street, pick flowers and feed bugs; I was a nature girl from the very beginning who was kind to everyone and everything. I think I lost myself in all of this abuse.My mother would even go as far as saying that if I didn't do something she wanted me to do, my father would spank me, not her. She said that all the time and I think that is also a factor into why my dad and I never had a good relationship. Years went by and I lived, I was happy for a little while, as much as I could be but I always felt isolated. I moved 7 times when i was young.My parents never let me socialize as much as I wish I could have. I wasn't allowed to go to school field trips, play outside, I wasn't allowed to spend the night at a slumber party, I wasn't even allowed to go to this church group because it ended too late for my parents, since they had to stay up and wait for me. They're excuse was it was too late. Around my teenage years I got really depressed, as you can imagine, as a teenager everything is heightened emotionally. I gained a ton of weight, I turned to food for emotional support because I wasn't getting any, I had no one.
My relationship with God was strengthened at the age of 16 and I said to myself I want to be a doctor. I was smart enough to get into the honors program, got into advanced placement, I started running marathons, dropped the weight and decided that I wanted to be in the medical field to help people. It became my passion up until I met someone. This guy, I dated for 10 years. It was an abusive relationship; he cheated on me numerous times, he hit me, shoved me held me down multiple times and I stayed; i became codependent, and the abuse seemed normal since my dad used to hit me and since my mom would emotionally and mentally abuse me as well. I just figured its okay I need to try to be better. I need to be a better person tomorrow.
One christmas eve, i got ready to go to a family party, got into an argument with my father, and admittingly I dared him to hit me and he punched me in the face, I fell backward and i spent christmas all by myself while they went to the party. I won't ever forget that christmas.I wasn't getting support from my family to become a doctor, so I decided to go into nursing school instead, get my BSN.
More years passed by, I was lucky enough to modeled for abercrombie & fitch, got my first car, thought i was okay but slowly but surely, being in this environment has given me the diagnoses of major recurrent depression as well as anxiety, ADHD and a medical condition that is still undiagnosed. I need help. I need emotional support and I need it now, please. I don't know how many times suicide has crossed my mind, but I NEVER hurt myself because I know I am better than that, I know I deserve not to be in an abusive relationship and that I was born for a reason and I have a purpose in this world and that purpose is to use my skills and wisdom to help heal the sick; but how can I do that when I'm sick too? I can't and I need emotional support from someone, anyone.
I am now in my last few months of graduating and I'm in danger of failing out of nursing school. I need to get out of this house its killing my spirit and kindness. I don't want to be a bitter sad person, but I look in the mirror and I look so sad now.I left that guy just last week, because I know I deserve to be in a healthy relationship, but my great aunt who was like my mom died recently and everything is caving in. Like i said i want to live, i want to help myself but i don't even know what makes me happy anymore, I get made fun of by nurses at school bc of my medical condition, Im always anxious and shaking like I'm waiting for something terrible to happen to me. Please help me. Advice anything. & yes I'm seeing a psychiatrist for professional help but it hasn't helped as much as i thought.
RE: Help - Bethany Rosselit - 06-07-2015
Thank you for reaching out, Suffering!
You've been through some emotional trauma, to be sure. Abusive situations can effect you on a subconscious level. Your mind felt unsafe in the situation, so now it is doing all it can to keep you feeling safe now. Whenever it detects something similar to any perceived threat in the past, it sounds an alert and leads you into a state of fight-or-flight.
How you are now is okay. You probably don't believe that, but you have always been doing the best with the tools you have. There are tools you can learn, to help you even further. Here is a post I wrote for BlogHER, that might help: http://www.blogher.com/understanding-and-managing-your-fight-or-flight-response?crumb=171493 .
Hang in there, and keep us posted!
Bethany
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org