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+---- Thread: Father issues. (/showthread.php?tid=26732)
Father issues. - Anonimity - 07-09-2012
Right off the bat I'll explain that this will be a long and pretty complicated story. Still I hope to receive some advice from elders and people who might have been in the same situation at one point.
Well, the main question is: "Should I allow my biological father a final chance?" though the answer seems to be a tough one to find.
Right now I live in a different country than my father, and until a few years ago I did not know or remember him and only knew about him through the stories my mother and brother told me of him. A few years back I went to my country of birth and together with my brother (then 25 years old) I met my father for the first time. I didn't remember him from when I was younger nor did I have any particular feelings for him. It was incredibly odd. Now, on to the reason why I'm not sure if I want anything to do with him.
When I was only three years old my father and my mom were still married. Though things weren't well at all. My father would drink a lot, he was (and partially still is) the stereotype of an alcoholic dad. He'd get drunk, come home, and beat the crap out of my mother and brother and sister (14 and 16 years old at that time). His behavior became so extreme that my mom would have to flee the house with the kids to even stay alive. Truly, my father was terrifying person. At one point when my mom wasn't home when he came back drunk he gave my sixteen year old brother a loaded AK-47 and told him to shoot his mother upon sight (this was all around 15 years ago, just after a war, so rifles were incredibly common). Understandably at one point my mom finally couldn't put up with my fathers behavior anymore and she got her kids, divorced him, and moved to a completely different country to assure we were save. Because I was only four years old when we left my father I completely forgot about him, I didn't have any memories of my life with him nor did I have any sort of emotional feelings towards him.
The point being, after I saw him for the first time in 10ish years it didn't change anything about how I felt about him. If anything, I felt only more disgusted knowing that person standing in front of me smiling was the person who did all those horrible things to my family. To this day he dares to tell me that my mother is a liar and that he isn't the bad guy she made him look. What I want to ask is if there is any reason for me to even try and build some sort of relationship with him? Even my brother who has horrifying experiences with my father says to me that he is still my father and that he loves me. I, however, have no feelings towards him. I do not hate him nor do I love or like him. I simply feel like there is no reason for him to suddenly become a part of my life after not being for many years.
I would really appreciate some fresh perspective on this all.
RE: Father issues. - Annuit Coeptis - 07-09-2012
Of course, why should you all of a sudden let him become a father figure toward you? You are an adult now and the fathering days are over. My advice to you would to just treat him like a family friend. He should not expect you to like him or to call him father, but given that you remember nothing about him as a child, you ought to give him the chance to get to know you. Think about what it might be like in his position. Perhaps he knows that he was a bad father but he just doesn't want to admit it, and all that he wants to do now is prove to you that he isn't a bad person. The burden is on him to make you like him, not on you to tolerate him. I hope I am making sense. What your brother said about your father "loving" you is false. He can't know that information because he isn't your father. He is only saying that out of what he believes is the platonic relationship between a father and a son. Only your father really knows. I am not entirely sure about what you mean by final chance, but if it means just letting him into your life then I think you should give him that chance.