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+---- Thread: A Cold Winters Day (/showthread.php?tid=24745)
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A Cold Winters Day - BreShiE - 01-21-2012
Smurof Troppus, a place where everyone is usually happy and playing around with their sticks and stones. Smurof Troppus is a little Island just off of the Bew, it's not quite that populated but there are many children who like to run around and have fun. You can usually take a walk down the streets and bump into people and have a nice chit chat as they're very polite to others and is a very well civilized civilization, but today, was A Cold Winters Day.
There's no one about today, it may be because of the coldness. There's the usual sticks and stones, but no children playing with them. I seem to be the only person out, which is quite extraordinary for Smurof Troppus. Oh, by the way, my names Phillip, Phillip Watson, I'm quite new to Smurof Troppus as I've only been here for around a year or two now. I'm quite settled in, everyone knows me and I know everyone, but enough about me, let's carry on. So as I'm walking down Lareneg Lane, a place mostly overrun by the sounds of childrens laughter, whether it's cold, warm, hot, or snowing. Today is definitely not the worse I've seen it, yet no one is around. I can't figure out why, people have just left their cars with doors open, even their houses doors are open, what's going on? I'm shouting through peoples doors trying to find someone, but it seems to be deserted, could I be in the wrong place? No, surely not, there's Mr. Progant's car, who's also left his doors open and his houses? Hmm, something is definitely wrong here.
Walking along, still can't see anybody, the road seems to be going on forever and looks different, almost changed since yesterday. It usually... Oh, Look! A person, let me run over quickly and find out what's going on...
5 minutes later...
Okay, so, erm, oh dear! This is what happened, I walked over, to say hello, the person was looking away from me so I politely said "Excuse me sir, how are you?" it didn't turn around. So I tapped it on it's shoulder, that's when it turned around, and to the shock of my life, realised it had no face! A head, but no face! This is extremely troubling, what's going on? I'm starting to get a bit freaked out now, almost, scared... I'm just going to carry on walking. Hmm, I'm nearly at Mrs. Catrige's house, I better pop in to make sure she's okay...
Okay, so I'm hear now, let me step in and see if she's in. "Hello, Mrs. Catrige? Are you there" I cried. No reply. I walk upstairs to see if she's home, nothing, not even her cat. Something weird is going on here, Mrs. Catrige hasn't left her house in over 35 years! I walk back downstairs to find out that the door has closed, I give one last shout just to check if anyone's home... Nope, better go back out then. Hmm, that' weird, now I'm outside and I'm in a tunnel? But how can that be? Also there's snow everywhere, in a tunnel?!?! Okay this is really starting to freak me out now!! I start trecking through the snow, trying to find a way out. 5 hours later I realise that I'm just going in a circle. But wait, what's that? Something's coming out of the ground!! WOW, WHAT'S THAT??!?!?! OH MY GOD HELP ME, OH KNOW, PLEASE, NOT HIM!! IT'S HIM, BUT IT CAN'T BE!! WE BURIED HIM 15 YEARS AGO, NO, HE'S GRABBING ME, BUT, IT'S...
That's when I woke up...
A Cold Winters Day
Written out of boredom,
By BreShiE
RE: A Cold Winters Day - BreShiE - 01-21-2012
Has anyone got anything to say about this? It was freestyle story writing. (Think of the story as you're writing it) that's why it may seem a bit unstructured. So, tell me what you guys think please?
RE: A Cold Winters Day - Death Disturbance - 01-21-2012
I actually quite enjoyed reading that peice of writing. Well done BreShiE, good job sir
-Death Disturbance
RE: A Cold Winters Day - BreShiE - 01-21-2012
(01-21-2012, 04:45 PM)Death Disturbance Wrote: I actually quite enjoyed reading that peice of writing. Well done BreShiE, good job sir
-Death Disturbance
I highly doubt you read it as there is a lot there haha, but if you did, then thanks!
RE: A Cold Winters Day - BreShiE - 01-21-2012
Hasn't anyone else got something to say about this? I'd like at least some comments, even if they're bad.
RE: A Cold Winters Day - BreShiE - 01-22-2012
It would be nice if others posted on this to save the post from looking like it's just been me posting, because I will keep bumping it up if it can't support itself. It took me quite a while to type this out for you guys, not complaining because I did it out of boredom, but still.
RE: A Cold Winters Day - Daniel Faraday - 01-22-2012
It sounds like you're trying to sound better at writing than you are. Saying this is a little rude, but it looks like you're trying to hard.
RE: A Cold Winters Day - BreShiE - 01-23-2012
(01-22-2012, 10:58 PM)Daniel Faraday Wrote: It sounds like you're trying to sound better at writing than you are. Saying this is a little rude, but it looks like you're trying to hard.
It's funny, because I didn't try to write this. I just typed it as I went through the story, completely from the top of my head. I used to be a story writer when I was in school, so I thought I'd give it a go again.
RE: A Cold Winters Day - BlackChaos - 01-24-2012
Well, Smurof Troppus seems like a great place to have fun.
The story was quite well written and the concept was good as well. It had me until the last couple paragraphs where you seemed to be rushing towards the end. That was a bit annoying.
Stories like this where you would want the reader to be threaded along until the finale would generally have to run slowly and steadily. Also, there were points where you seemed to clump together to many parts of a sentence. Although its supposed to be in First Person and someone may in fact talk/think like that, it doesn't do well for the reader. Just adds even more to the "rushing" effect.
Seriousness aside, I really had a nice laugh at the end.
RE: A Cold Winters Day - BreShiE - 01-24-2012
(01-24-2012, 06:57 AM)BlackChaos Wrote: Well, Smurof Troppus seems like a great place to have fun.
The story was quite well written and the concept was good as well. It had me until the last couple paragraphs where you seemed to be rushing towards the end. That was a bit annoying.
I honestly thought I was dragging it on to long, and if I carried it on people may not read it. That's why it finished where it did.
btw (Click to View)
(01-24-2012, 06:57 AM)BlackChaos Wrote: Stories like this where you would want the reader to be threaded along until the finale would generally have to run slowly and steadily. Also, there were points where you seemed to clump together to many parts of a sentence. Although its supposed to be in First Person and someone may in fact talk/think like that, it doesn't do well for the reader. Just adds even more to the "rushing" effect.
Seriousness aside, I really had a nice laugh at the end.
So did the ending come as a shock to you?