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Better and Better - iDiDiT - 12-06-2011
I thought I would make this post as my first post for a couple of reasons. One is I have much experience with mental and emotional trauma. I have been seeing therapists regularly as well as psychiatrists since I was 12 years of age (15 years I am 27). When things seemed like they just couldn't get any worse, life has a terrifying way of showing you that it always can. Another reason I am writing this now is from experience. I will ask more questions than give answers for probably the next year or so on a technology forum, so why not start out with a post on a subject I am well acquainted with. I do not have many exact details to explain here. I would just like to describe some emotions I have gone through after one of the worst experiences of my life, and the end of the grieving process.
The last thing that happen to me was really hard. After I was kicked out of my home and lost my job at the end of 2010, I was madly head over heals for someone at that time in my life. During that time I struggled with getting back on my feet and the person I was in love with deserted me at a very crucial time in my life. I wasn't just deserted but I was humiliated and mocked. Not to mention my ex f****d a bunch women and rubbed it in my face, just as I was getting enough money to finally stand on my feet.
Speaking of money, I had finally gotten money from a settlement I had pending with the government for 5 years. When I got it I was living with a roommate of mine who turned out to be a very good scam artist, and I had no clue what was about to happen. He got me to "invest" mostly everything I received from the government with promises to more than double it. One day I came home and all his stuff was gone. I was back to being homelessness again AND a broken heart, and very little family support. This was all recently in August 2011.
So I was in a very tender position these last few months. Some days I struggled thinking how was it possible I am breathing? Suicide didn't really play through my head really except for the first few weeks it happen. And to be fair I almost did it, even checking out some tall buildings and truly considering jumping. Drowning myself was also something I thought of, even using a knife to cut out my own heart because I felt so horrible. Little things along the way I believe kept me from wanting to end it all.
Truly remarkable days I thought, "today is the day (I will end it)", and then some seeming magical event would take place which would then make me realize this, in fact, was not the answer. I wondered why is it just in time I was saved AGAIN?
So months passed, I wept everyday-- not sobbed, not cried-- wept.. my eyes turned dark brown from all the tears, and I gained some weight and then stretch marks appeared all over my body. I went to my doctor to find out why I had only gained 5-10lbs and I had all these stretch marks. They werent just on my stomach, they had gone from my legs, to my waist, to my stomach, the sides of my body, the sides of my breasts, and under my arms. I'm not kidding, it was not only hideous, but I am not even so fat, just plump, but not obese. When I went to see the doctor they told me there was a new law and I would have to get my insurance changed to see my doctor.
It took almost 3 months to fix my insurance. When I had finally fixed it I had already seen another doctor for the little cash I had and he said "sometimes that happens". Not only that but I take prescription medication and it was very difficult to keep my bottle filled during that time.
OK, enough of that, it was truly a hell of reality, and this isn't even the beginning of my troubles because since I was 21 I have been going through a tough experience the first time I became homeless at 20y/o. But that is not really exactly what this post is about.
This post is about feeling better. After everything bad that happen to me I always 'bounced back'. Even though this last time I couldn't see HOW I would ever bounce back. Honestly, I thought I was ruined. Heres what happen that helped.
I met someone knew who cared very much for me and was good friends with my ex, and helped me through all of this even today. I was so angry about being robbed, I stopped my studies in writing, and counseling, and begin avidly training in computers. I have fallen in love with my computer, I found a new apartment and have regular income, and it is so quiet here, I can study as much as I want with zero undesired interruptions. I used all kinds of creams and formulas on my stretch marks, and even lost the 5lbs I gained and they have reduced significantly.
But most of all I cried about the man that I loved. He was the world to me and he knew it. What he did to me was really mean and really wrong and it hurt so bad that it was what I wept over and the rest came 2nd to me. I couldn't understand how I would ever feel better about it and even now as I am writing this tears fill my eyes because it is the truth that he was my life and what he did was so evil. Even though I know what he did was enough to tell me he is no good for me, it hurt so bad, I just cry because of how bad it hurt, and not for him.
But I couldn't understand how to feel better until about 2 days ago. It occurred to me that if I still wanted to be with him I could. I left him because it was my choice to leave. Of course what he did left me no other option, if I had no morals I could have stayed and he would have let me. As soon as he told me he had done what he did I left and never went back. It still hurts, but realizing I made my own choice to leave gave me a sense of empowerment. Even though I am hurting and crushed that he did this, it makes me feel better to know that the reason it hurts so bad is because I no longer hear his voice, or see his face, and he doesn't deserve me to, not the other way around. Otherwise I could have stayed.
Maybe that sounds unconvincing in a post, but it was the answer for me today. There will probably be more moments that make me stronger. Even though I can break down any second, I can fight it better now. And little by little I start to realize I can bounce back from this, and soon I am going be stronger than ever.
RE: Better and Better - 13th - 12-06-2011
It's great to hear your slowly recovering and feeling better man, hopefully it all works out well for you.