(03-26-2011, 05:27 PM)cody8295 Wrote: if i sit still for a moment
and just tune out,
i hear the sound of my mind
fighting my imagination.
and i see the images of my dreams
come to life moving and bouncing about,
but if i listen real close, my brain tunes in
to a station unfamiliar, from lands unknown.
all that i can hear is none that i can see,
all that i can see is all that i cant hear.
and then He whispers in my ear,
my mind tunes back, what did He say?
i dont remeber anything, i was there for a day.
if i recall what He said, i can journey there
for the words that he speaks, are the passwords back

Again I focused less on rhyming and more on what's going on.

Rate out of 10 and C&C. Thank you in advance.

(03-26-2011, 08:16 PM)Calx Wrote: I'm going to stress again my advice that I left on your other poem: you should focus more on narrative poetry. And tbh, this is too short for that. You need more description, more vibe, and more descriptively, coherent enigma, and more depth. And that's why I am rating this about 4/10. Take me where you are, let me hear the voice, let me see my surroundings, and allow me to mentally follow you during these different phantasms.